You're so far,
I can't breathe.
I need your light,
So I can see.

Keep me warm,
Keep me close,
Hold me tight,
Don't let go.

You love her.
Won't let go.
I love you.
You'll never know.

There are thoughts,
Swirling around in my head,
Meaningful things,
That I left unsaid.

You only live once...
More commenly known as YOLO
God, I'm such a nerd...Did I actually just say that?
...well that's new...

Anyways...
Though the song actually doesn't serve this message much good, (but has the capacity to get stuck in my head ALL THE TIME) this message is quite true.

I've been spending far too much time moping around about how my dreams never come true and a bunch of **** that means the world to me now and won't matter later....

I know this isn't poetry, but I wanted to get this out and write something that felt personal... Something that felt like me talking...almost...

So I realized that we really do only live once (duh) and that I don't want to follow the standard little path we're all started on and brainwashed into thinking  leads to success. I don't want to have a ton of money but hate what I do. Really, I'd rather just be happy.

When I'm older, I want to look back at my life and be proud of myself. I want to look back and think that I lived a happy life.

So I know I'm young. I know that 20 years from now I won't remember the cold winter night at 2:17 am that I wrote this. I won't remember why I had a crush on that one boy in 8th grade.

But, I will remember being happy, or more commenly unhappy and I don't like being unhappy, no one does.

Something's wrong and I think it's time to stop acting like it's not.

So yeah, I'm young. I've got a long road behind me and an even longer one ahead. I've got a lot of choices and mistakes to make. I've got a lot of things to fix.

I've got a pile of homework to catch up on, and a couple thousand ideas to write down.

It used to be when I grow up, I want to be a doctor.
An astronaut.
A figure skater.
A singer,
A gymnast,
A doctor,
President,
And so on,
But at this point, I want to be happy.

What would you do if I kissed you,
Would you return the gesture?
And when we pull away,
Would you lock your fingers between mine,
Stare deeply into my eyes,
And tell me how you feel?





Probably not.

If I kissed you,
You'd draw back.
And when you got away,
We'd never speak again.

There are dark parts in my mind.
Untraveled little crevices in which my most terrifying dreams dwell.
But there are even more things that I don't say.
Things I won't,
Things I can't.
Until of course I crack and the whole facade comes tumbling down,
Unveiling the walls that I worked so hard to keep up on the inside.

Sometimes I'm my best friend.
Sometimes I'm my worst enemy.
Sometimes I tear myself down.
Self doubt.
Until my barriers are crashing down.

But they mustn't get to me.
So I build up the walls,
Brick
By
Brick
Until I cannot hear anything,
Except the blood rushing in my head.

I need to leave.
I need to go somewhere the helps me,
Not hurts me.

I need to push.
I need to get myself out there and be seen,
Not ignored.

Something needs to happen,
I hope you can understand.

To all the times I spent alone.
All the times I made the same mistakes repeatedly.
All the times I wasted being unhappy.
All the times I spent being heartbroken over some guy I won't even remember 20 years from now.

20 years from now.
It's been awhile since I've thought about that...

In 20 years....
Well, I'd be older for one thing...
Maybe living my dream...
Maybe failed trying...

20 years from now,
I don't know who I'll be,
Where I'll be,
Or what I'll be.

But that's okay.
Because today,
I am happy.

If we spend all of our time thinking about the future, we'd become oblivious to the now.

We have the choice to live or to exsist.

This passed year,
I exsisted.
I didn't do anything too special,
And I wasn't particularly happy either.

In 2013 and every year to follow,
I'm promise to live,
And 20 years from now,
I hope I kept my promise.

Happy New Years everyone!