I can still remember the way I stood shaking and screaming into the mirror clawing at my own skin, trying to make it all stop. Looking into my own eyes and seeing nothing but blurry lines of red and hopeless hands grasping my chest trying to catch my breath because I was getting light headed. I remember stepping into the shower and flinching under the hot water but only then turning it up even hotter and just standing there counting the goosebumps on my arms and the bruises on my thighs and in that moment I went from feeling everything to nothing. My breathing returned to normal and my tears evaporated into the stream of water bouncing off my skin. My heart stopped aching and I stopped scratching my own skin to try and get the feelings of you off of me. I remember how when I got out of the shower I stood again facing the mirror and raised my palm up to my chest simply to make sure my heart was still beating and when I looked into my eyes I didn't see anything. I didn't see fear and I didn't see her and I didn't even see myself. It was as if I was watching my reflection dig my grave as I ran the brush through my hair and dropped flower petals on my casket as I rubbed lotion on my skin. The first time something died in my hands it was myself because of you. You had pushed my heart and soul and willpower to the point of absolute destruction and despair and with that last breathless sob ripped out every piece of me to keep in your pocket as a keep sake. You knew. As soon as you saw me you knew. You knew I wasn't alive anymore but rather a shell of a person put on to keep up appearances and you ******* hated it. You hated that I wasn't seeking your approval or begging you to stop touching me and you hated that I didn't flinch when you said my name. It drove you to lengths I still can't comprehend and left stories I still can't force myself to recollect. The day I left it still drove you crazy that as I hugged you goodbye I didn't smile or cry or even say a word. I hugged you. I limply wrapped my arms around yours and didn't move when you whispered how much I would regret it in my ear. It drove you insane. It's still driving you insane. If only you knew that before I was two miles down the road I started sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe and screamed so loud I scared everyone around me. I just kept screaming your name and asking why and I pulled at my hair and hit over where you had already left bruises and I tried to comprehend how you were even worthy of living. If only you knew that still to this day I flinch when people touch me and cry when I hear the first verse of a certain song. If only you knew that despite the fact the first thing I ever held in my hands and watched die was my own heart, the first thing I watched break itself down into unimaginably small prices was also myself and the entire time while I watched I looked in the mirror at my eyes and screamed your name because it's been years and I'm still not ******* over you and I'm still not alive but I'm not dead either and I'm sitting in the inconceivable purgatory trying to forget the way your hands stung against my skin and your words cut into my soul. C.a.l