Today I thought, for the first time
in a while of apologizing
for my existence, and asking you to deal
with my own troubles.
Again.
Slightly shocked, I looked at myself, asking
how a person such as me has not thought
of a apologizing for her very being
in so long, and how you
have convinced me you truly want
to shoulder my burdens-
Yet again.
Slightly uneasy and in awe, I
trembled, asking the air, the
room, the world, the silence (but never
myself) if
maybe I truly am
enough for you, or if
I have convinced myself to forget
that I could never be, and so
cannot remember all the thousands
of unspoken apologies I am doomed to know
need saying to you and everyone
Again and again and again.

Just
give me a minute, please
before I walk in
to my house, I need
just a minute outside our
door, to breathe in the last whiff of fresh
air I'm going to get
in a while,
Just
give me a minute, please, I
can't think, my thoughts are
screaming their way around
my skull and my
music is trying
to drown them out and I
just want some quiet but that's
not something found inside
Just
give me a minute, please,
before I turn my key in the lock to try
and rearrange my face, try and turn
my mouth in a smile dragging
my lips apart and baring my
teeth a fraction harder than
actually necessary to grin try
and take a minute I need
to make it look like
I'm not trying so hard
not to cry.

The space between us is congested
with all of our unspoken words. I
breathe them in, feel the way
they cut down my throat as I swallow
my thoughts, choking silently. They explode
inside my chest, forcing
their way through my ribcage, shattering
the very framework of my body, until
shards of my own bones embed
themselves in my heart. They burn
inside my stomach, fueling
the automaton I have become, making my
movements strong, jagged, hasty, making
my smile too loud, my laughter
too jarring. Can you
feel them, too, or is this just
what you call air?