My fear designed this poem. I have a rare allergy to light and the summer is getting hot and bright, so my fear of burning and blistering is on my mind. I hope you like my poetic design.

I started counseling. I went to my second appointment today. I am going weekly on Wednesday at 9 am. I am finally building my own bridges so I can stand by myself. I have discovered I never had a self. I have body dysphoria and it's holding me back. I need to build myself to deal with the abuse I suffered. My ex did a lot of damage and I already was damaged. I worked hard to build a platform for myself and he tore it down in two years and I didn't have a chance to build it back because I was trapped for seven years in his abusive tactics. He neglected me when I needed him, he expected me to sacrifice everything for him and he did nothing but complain about everything blaming me for his discomfort. He caused me paranoia and anxiety because he broke my self esteem and security. He stole and lied to me. He gaslighted everything I did and tried to mock me and steal my work for himself. The dude made a blog similar to my own and got upset when he didn't get the same attention I get. When I worked hard to build my community, it took years for me to get my blog where it's at. He can't achieve the same thing in one post. He can't even write good poetry. His makes no sense. He needs to work hard to learn how to write poetry. I have been writing since I was seven years old, before I could write my mom wrote for me and I told her what to write. I am autistic too so I started out slowly. Building my blogs helped me improve my writing skills because I wanted to learn and get critical help from my readers. You guys are my muse and support. He doesn't want to work so he failed. He also made it harder for me to grieve for my mom after she passed. He wasn't supportive instead he was attacking me and accusing me of cheating when he was the one cheating. He bugged my apartment to collect evidence I was cheating. He got very mean when he couldn't get the evidence he wanted. My mom had to help me protect myself after he broke into my apartment and stole food and used my stuff in 2014. He never apologized or took responsibility for his crimes. Our community doesn't care about me either, they didn't punish him after he was reported and caught. They literally paid for the damages and he is free to cause more damage. He also murdered his cat while he tore apart his apartment and ended up in the hospital for mental health. He ended up breaking out of the hospital and walked home ****** and mentally unstable. I reported him but nothing was done. He brought dug dealers and prostitutes into his apartment. Pretended to not know they were criminal's yet he brought them in to make deals and feed his own addiction. I am forced to deal with the mental health issues he caused. Our justice system is broken, there's no protection or justice. I am proof. It needs to change. The lack of justice is damaging lives.

I've learned to use caffeine in a healthy way. I never drink more than one cup of coffee and I always take a few days off from caffeine before drinking it again. I only use it for migraines and severe pain. It helps me with my pain. It doesn't take much just a small amount. My doctor actually taught me how to use it. I have a rare brain disorder and the caffeine is helpful to keep my heart from slowing down, it also helps my migraines at bay alongside my medication because it can be caused by lack of blood flow to my brain from anxiety and I hold my breath too much. Caffeine helps me to breathe too. I have been suffering from the migraines lately and I found out about sugar free caffeine drinks that help me without giving me too much caffeine or sugar. I am very grateful for my healthcare providers too.

This is inspired by all of the cute cat videos and memes I’ve seen.

I have been thinking about the troubles our government has been displaying. I am sickened by the mockery we see. It’s become a stage for monkey’s and *******’s. I feel like toddlers are running our country.

Our government is more concerned with, How many likes can I get? How many people can I hurt before they ban this post? Look at me I am a free loader you call a government agency. I don’t give a hoot if you are happy or pleased with me, I am going to do whatever I please. Then they gloat about how great they are. I feel the same way about news stations and news casters.

It sickens me so I wrote this poem. You can find the original on my blog here https://gothicrealms.wordpress.com/2018/10/24/click-post-bang/

I have been suffering from cluster headaches since I was seven years old. I went into remission for three years before they returned in 2015. Doctors don't know enough about the cluster headaches to know what causes it. I do, it's passed on through family. My grandpa had them too. He was a simple man with health problems. I was unlucky my brother has no physical health conditions but he has mental illness as for me I got it all. I got a unknown neological condition on top of a rare movement disorder too. I recently found out I have been having stomach problems as well as fevers caused by the unknown neological condition. My immune system is confused because of my neurological condition. It's complicated. There's no treatment nor cure. I have tried treatments sadly nothing helps. I have to suffer through. To be honest I am use to it. I was born in pain. Hopefully I will find a doctor who will try new treatments and have some relief from these cluster headaches, someday.

I wrote this poem for my love Sean. He has struggled so have I but still we love each other. I will never be alone because I have him feeling the empty spaces in my heart. Through all the struggles our foundation grows stronger.