Shards
Of paper hearts
Floating away
On winter
Blizzard breezes.

Shards
Of dreamless hopes
Floating away
On glacial
Running rivers.

Shards
Of my life
Slipping through
Trembling
Bleeding hands.

Shards
Becoming
Infinitesimally small
Grains of sand,
Ground up,
Spit out
Until I am nothing.

I used to say
That it didn't really strike me
As unusual or odd in any way
When people would look at me askance
Without a second thought or glance
As too what I was doing with you
Walking around with the sky blue
And the weather hot as a desert
And us bundled like in a blizzard,
But the truth I've always kept hidden
Was that I know what was flippant
For you was actually a great trial to me.

I used to say
That the tremors and shakes
My hand gets when I talk to strangers
On the bus, train, taxi, or airplane
Were just due to the excess caffeine
I had consumed to keep me alert and breathing,
But the fact of the matter I never shared
Was that I was more than a little scared
Of being near, interacting with, relating to
People.

I used to say
I was okay...

I think you get my point
Without me having to spell it out,
Or do I have use the words
I'm not accustomed to?
The words I've refused to say
For going on two decades
Because I determined that nobody cared
Enough to listen to my voice
Unless I was pretending to be great
Like everyone else,
But that's just a masquerade--
One that I'm tired of dancing in now.

I used to say
I was okay.
But the truth is I'm not.
And I need some help.

A slice of pie changed my life.

I had worked so hard
To be a person worthy
Of someone else's love and care,
I had changed myself
To fit the mold of someone
Others could pay attention to.

Isn't that what we all do?
Make ourselves loveable?
Simply because that's the thing
We want most in this world:
To be loved.

But then you didn't know me,
You didn't see all the things
I'd done or the person I'd become.

You were there.
I was there.
And that was enough for pie.

It didn't matter to you
What I could do.
It didn't matter to you
Who I was too.

You loved and you cared
Because you wanted to.

A slice of pie changed my life.

Raise your glass.

This is for the man
Who taught me how to ride a bike
When I was five years old,
Who taught me how to lay a brick
Wall with my own two hands,
Who taught me how to love
My heritage and my roots
While embracing change and newness.

Raise your glass.

This is for the woman
Who carried me for nine months
Whilst giving me my love of steak,
Who read stories of imaginable fantasy
And sang crackling fireside songs
To lull me into slumber,
Who taught me to Love
Even when she herself had forgotten how.

Raise your glass.

This is for the women
Who know me better than anyone else
For they have grown with me
In ways only siblings can,
Who taught me to fight for myself
And simultaneously be merciful
For I am not a perfect person,
Who gave me all the love I need
And then some simply because
They wanted to.

Raise your glass.

This is for who we were.
This is for who we are.
This is for who we will be.

Raise your glass.

Some blood is thinner than water.
Some ties more easily severed.
Yet we live because they existed
If even but for a single moment
And for that,
We give tribute.

Drink.

There are days of restless worrying,
And sleepless nights of fear.

Then are days of numb oblivion
With nights of terror-filled dreams.

Like relentless waves pounding
The weakened beachhead of the shore.
Like bloodied knuckles punching
The shredded remnants of a sandbag.

This, my cycle of the
Inevitable,
Unavoidable,
Inescapable,
Unpreventable

Stirring­ up of the
Indescribable,
Indefinable,
Inexpressible

Anger that resides deep within
My broken soul.

Yet no one knows.

I am a calm, placid lake.

A deep and dark lake
Sitting in the mouth of an active volcano.

“Are you OK?” “Yeah.”
Not really, but you wouldn't understand

“How are you feeling?” “Great.”
Terrible but I can’t tell you because you’d ask why

“Where’d you get that cut?” “Rollerblading accident.”
That’s always the perfect excuse

“Is there anything you’d like to confess to?” “No.”
Yes

“Do you regret anything?” “Yeah, going ice skating.”
Being born.

“Have you felt sad lately?” “No, I’m really happy.”
I feel sad all the time

“Why were you crying?” “Just finished a sad book.”
You don’t want to know

“What book?” “Looking For Alaska.”
The book that told the story of my life

“Are you sure you’re OK?” “Definetly.”
*Definitely not

I walked up to you,
You said, "How do ya do?"
We chatted a while
'Bout how the weather was mild.
You paused as if you were done,
Then suddenly began to hum.
Your eyes twinkled as you took my hand
And then we began to dance.
It was that afternoon that I knew
What my father once said was true:

Being swept off her feet on an ordinary day
To dance with him in their kitchen,
*Will make any woman fall a little more in love.