When I die
don't you dare
come  to my grave
and tell me
you love me

because those words
were the only thing
I would have needed
to stay.

I got tired of waiting for you to be
the person you were


I began to accept the fact that the
person I loved was simply just an
illusion

I know I
said I wouldn't
be capable of
breaking someone's
heart,
but I guess I lied
because I have broken the
hearts of those I never
loved in return.

not one soul
can t o u c h me the way you do.
no arms, no legs, no bodies.
just your b a b y b l u e s on me,
and i drown.

i don’t think the sadness ever goes away.
at least in my case, not for long.

right before a genuine smile
my sadness reappears with a camera
that blinds me with a flash.
“say cheese” it taunts me,
“yes, just like that.”
fake. a portrait.

and just like that once more i am engulfed
in a ravaged state of despair.

when i sit with my mother to spend a moment together
inside i die knowing that i her little girl
doesn’t want to be anymore.
but i just can’t do that to her.
despite the sadness and madness i don’t ever want to imagine her hurting because of me.

so you see this sadness that never goes away... is tearing me both ways...

so tell me where do i go from here?

For months,

I've been wandering,
through winding
silences

hoping
I'd find your chaos
one day.