After our fight,
Two days ago,
You apologized right away,
Saying you wanted to make amends.

You were so upset,
"I want to be friends,"
You told me over and over again.

But when I asked,
If you would stop by,
So we could speak, just
For a little while.

Your response was short,
And oh so simple,
A sad, cold,
"No."

I've come to find,
I tend to love the right people,
At the wrong time.

I'll write love songs on my wrists,
With old, metal blades,
And pretend you can hear the words,
Which I will never say.
But you will never see them,
And I will never speak,
My thoughts are just too heavy,
And my heart is just too weak.

I begged for you to stay,
And I'll never forgive myself for being that weak.

The feeling of his top lip and bottom
Were like a collision of before and after
And everything between was us and now
His lips were like two fragile
Old books pages which
Came alive once more against mine
Kissing him was like
Every good thing in the world happening
All at once and shared for
Just him and I to witness
A meeting of pure liquid against
Heated fire
And nothing could pull our lips apart
Except
Time.


And eventually...
It did.

I know now that you cannot give me,
What I truly want.
But that doesn't mean,
I'm okay with you leaving.

I don't want to waste my time on
Someone who won't be constant
But here I am
Here I am
Still wasting all my time on you.

Crack my spine grind my bones
My body has never been my own
Set fire to my skin
Watch how it makes me dance
Whisper in my ear, as if I have a chance
Take what little is left
Use it for your own
I'm already your puppet
My body is not my home.

I knew well enough not to get my hopes up,
But perhaps I was hoping,
That I would be more significant to you.
For if I were,
I would not be ashamed of what we do,
I would not cry because I'm letting it happen again,
And it has nothing to do with your feelings towards me,
Really,
It has everything to do with the lack of them.

You said we couldn't talk anymore,
So you helped our lips do other things,
And your hands joined in quickly
Until the knock came at the door
And with silence and a hug, we parted,
Maybe forever.

Today I came to a stark, sad realization.
I don't think I can be friends with you while you're with her.

What a strange thing it is,
To be so full of sorrow,
And yet be so painfully empty

Maybe I don't want to be sad anymore,
Maybe I want to stop crying.
But the pain just won't go away;
The only cure is dying.

I remember letting you read my books once and I think that's when I really let you in, when I told myself I was ready to once again trust someone to understand every explicit side of myself. Now you've made a nest inside, burrowed into the deepest corners, and I can't get you out and I can't let anyone in and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust you with my words again.

He says
"I love you but I'm not in love with you."
Who knew that
a small, two-letter word
could change so much.