I like to look into your eyes
to see your heart and let you see mine

I like it when you squeeze my hand
it makes me smile and understand

That I love you and you love me
and together's where I want to be

i feel like a piece of my brain is missing
some critical set of synapses
that soothes and calms
lives within you

i want to slow down
and feel my mind settle
until it comes to a stop
to rest in the now

but how?

seeing their flaws
and loving them anyway

I have never felt this way before

My heart
it's singing

My head
can't help
but sing along

Like the breeze
that tosses my hair
this way and that

Thoughts of you
blow on by
and my mind
collapses
into your melody

Always subject to your wind
my thoughts have
slipped
out of my control

But I don't mind

sometimes all that's left to do
is surrender

last night we listened to my favorite song
you held me close
and hummed in my ear

the strongest sense of melancholy
hit me like a truck

because i don't think i could bear it
if i lose you
and this song becomes steeped with pain

please don't ruin
my favorite song

my throat constricts
my stomach shrinks and turns
my shoulders curl, tense
my fingers compulsively claw
at the skin around my nails

the thought of you
feeling how you feel for me
for somebody else
makes
me want
to
crawl
out
of
my
body

It is hard to believe
Just how beautiful
Life can be

Regular consumption of art
Careful observation of the outdoors
A challenge with which to grapple
Café au lait
Walking as a mode of transportation
Learning through conversation
Documenting how you feel
Going the extra mile for others (when you don't have to)
Chocolate bars eaten in their entirety
Exaggerated French accents
Shedding your inhibitions and embracing your bravery
Loved ones

there are entire continents of my world
that you have yet to know

discover me

acting this way,
it's playing with my heart

you're teasing me

but I must admit,
I'm a more than willing victim

is this ache
old and familiar,
displaced?

or is this
a fresh wound,
scarlet red and alive?

I will always fill the pantry
with your favorite snacks to eat

I will always rub your back
when you need help going to sleep

I will always take your call
and hold space for what you need

I will always do my best
to love you, unconditionally

there is no lonelier feeling
than lying next to someone
who is supposed to be your lover
and knowing they're not there

looking at your face
is like looking into the sun

bright, and warm

i can't bear to look for too long

but boy does it feel good
to turn my face towards your light
and let it wash over me

i've spent three years pining for your love
and now i suppose it's time for me
to pine for mine

this is new
the ears have been noticed

take me back
to rose colored glasses

I know what comes next
and I'm terrified

his bottom lip bears two (adorable) freckles
his arms are solid and curved in a way that is addictive to touch
his hair waves deliciously
his eyes reveal new colors each time I look into them
his eyelashes are a warm, soft brown
his stubble casts a handsome shadow along his jaw

lucky am I to behold these details

you, with an easy smile
lounging back on my white pillows
hair tousled
a laugh in your eyes

we ought to stay together

for he used to kiss my nose
and you now kiss my forehead
I am running out of real estate
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you warm my frigid hands
and call it your purpose,
thawing out my fearful heart until it melts
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you held me while humming my favorite song
and I couldn't bear it if that memory
one day became tainted with pain
if only for this reason
we ought to stay together

for you always make my coffee first
and you help me out of the crossword when I get stuck
and you gift me videos of spoken word love poems
if only for these reasons
we ought to stay together

I want to breathe you in

let your warmth
fill every inch of me

how divine,
how exquisite
would that be?

rules about what I can say
and what I cannot
are burying me alive

I can't breathe

I don't tire of being with you
it's as easy as being alone
it feels like coming home

is my love for you

it fills up every inch, every pore
it spills out of my mouth once i can no longer bear to hold it in
it runs constantly through my mind like a song stuck on repeat

i hope this never stops

I find myself
reflexively
looking for reasons
to evade situations that might cause pain

I'm always alert,
stockpiling excuses
like armor
for a rainy day

I guess those old lessons
have seeped into my bones

I want to yell into my marrow
"you don't need those anymore!"

why is it that
a wide open day
full of possibilities and options
leaves me feeling like
I've got to fight tooth and nail
to keep sadness at bay?

why does my own company
make my mind whirl?

why does my time
beg to be filled, planned, maximized?

The sun is coming out
And my heart is sputtering back to life

every glimpse i get of you
makes me want more

even the messy parts,
the dark parts,
especially those parts

you're no false god

you're whole
and complex
and flawed

i see you
and all i want is to get closer

listening to music
helps me remember who i am

my head was in the crook of his shoulder
as we discussed the following day's plans

i said, "believe me, i'm a planner"
he said, "i know, i've seen your lists"

i said, with a scoff, "you should see my brain"
and he said, "it would be beautiful"

and that was when I fell,
with a thud

there's no going back now

When I tell people
My dilemma-
To stay or to go-
It’s so simple to them

“Go forwards, not back”
“If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it”
“Do you love him, or are you in love?”
“Have new experiences, live your life”

I guess what I could spend
Hours and hours
And
Hours
Turning over in my head

Really isn’t so complicated
When you put it like that

i trusted in him
and let my love grow

now i see how his didn't
and there's no guarantee that it will

will this work?
i am terrified

it's remarkable how
just one little thing
can buckle my knees
and send my mind tumbling away

I've been without a home for a while now
Having as much adventure as time will allow

I have climbed mountains and I have seen stars
I've danced and I've traveled wide and far

But to be honest what gets me through
Are thoughts of coming on home to you

Of you being the last place I will land
Of yours being the roots upon which our home will stand

Because then when we adventure together I know
I will always carry with me a sense of home

sometimes words
slip out of his mouth
before he has a chance to notice

some people's unfiltered appraisals
are ugly, painful, taboo
not his

his are brimming with kindness
born of empathy
glimmers of an inside of pure gold

Nobody tells you
That you won’t be able to listen to music
Because it’s all insensitively about love
Or unbearably true to your pain

Nobody tells you
That you’ll lose control over your mind
Because every last little thing will remind you of him
So you’ll have to fight through each moment just to be okay

Nobody tells you
That your body will feel cold
That you’ll tremble
And ache

And nobody tells you
That sometimes you’ll feel fine
And that those moments are the scariest of all
Because that feels like you’re losing them
All over again

with each step that I take
wading deeper into these waters

echoes of waves past
wash over me

it's disorienting

my bedsheets smell like you
and my skin echoes
with the feeling of your touch

how am I supposed to sleep?

I can see the emptiness in your pixelated eyes
the effort in your virtual smile

This distance is like a glass plane
I can see your pain, but I can't reach it, can't reach you

If I could, I'd hold you close,
nuzzle into your side
scratch your back,
empty your mind

my baby this too will pass
but it doesn't feel that way just yet

they say that eyes
are the window to the soul

yours are a humble green
soft, and steady
they don't shout at you
but they make you feel safe, and warm

what rests behind that window
must be pretty beautiful

i could look all day long

i woke up to your absence
i feel hollow,
ghostlike

i decided to take a walk to try to feel okay

i pass through places
that once screamed with color
but now feel gray

a piece of me
left
when you did

it is your fault
that i am tethered
to my notifications,
like an addict

every passing moment
i can't help but sneak a glance,
take a hit,
go for an emotional ride

my mind is swirling
with hope
that yours is too

you said,
"I feel very
observed"

perhaps because
you're an unsolvable mystery
a dazzling wonder to behold

I can't help but analyze
every angle
every clue

you're captivating

just please don't scurry away
from the eye of my scrutiny

it must be no coincidence
that they call it "falling"

i'm afraid of heights

and the brink of love
is terrifying

even more so this time
now that i know
just how much it hurts
to lose

his fingers are my muse

they pluck out melodies on the guitar
with such ease,
such grace,
such control
they do his bidding
and create something beautiful

those same fingers
dance over my skin
sometimes they're soft,
sometimes they're rough,
they know how to make music out of me,
how to create something beautiful

i can see it in your eyes
say it

last night you told me that you love me

I felt hope,
and fear

I hope that you mean this
but I fear that you don't

I think I put up
more walls than I realized

to protect myself
in case things fell apart

I need you to show me
to help me understand
that your words are true

I so desperately want
to exhale

my love for him eclipses his for me
****, that hurts

I got too tired
of pushing against the grain

it just wasn’t worth it anymore

I don’t think that love
is supposed to have so much friction