they make goodbyes
sound easy
when they're at your door
late at night
and they scream your
name like a warning
from the bottom
of the staircase
you leave them,
until apologies make
your tongue as raw as
saw-dust
those nameless boys
the one's with
smoky breath,
they write your name
to the skies
constellate it to their
forefingers and cross it
over their forehead
like a baptism
those boys with hands
that eat like worms
at the dying heart
of your feelings
no, they don't love you
only death can
love you,
nameless girl
with the
countless faces.

I need to grow up but I don't know how
When my feet hurt I ask myself
Could that be? At this young age I have already begun to
        dilapidate?
Or is it just my brain weakening,
Panting, airless, reluctant -

I was not made to live this life, nor were you -

My mind says my legs were meant to
Traverse natural fields
And gape without scrutiny at the beauty
        of things around me
So my body tires walking on tiled hallways
Because it knows better than I
As to what this body was cut out to be -
But it's specifications don't fit
        any of these multitudes of molds
So I cram myself into angles and
        depressions unsuited
        because it's for the best
        it's for the betterment of society
        it's so I have a place on this earth -

But I already had a place, we all did,
Now our bent forms are unrecognizable to
Our Mother who wonders
"Why would my child pervert itself
        out of shape from its beautiful form?"

Through what common pair of eyes do we all see and
        at what point did we decide
        our own couldn't show us truth?

I understand the cutter.
Loving you is
My self-harm.

I cried over you but never cut.
When you asked me why I told you that the pain of heartbreak hurt more than razor blades.

Sorry
The last word in every one of my sentences to you
The first thing out of my mouth in the morning
Sorry is the the most frequent word in my vocabulary
Sorry is my lifeline
Sorry is my safe place

Don’t be
The first word in every one of your sentences to me
The last thing out of your mouth at night
Don’t be is the most frequent phrase in your vocabulary
Don’t be is your reassurance
Don’t be is your consolation

One day when I said sorry
You didn’t respond with don’t be
That's how I knew that it was over