i fell again, the same wounds
they opened up.
took pieces of me away
took me away
took away my mask,
the happiness everyone was used to  
the smile faded

my body is a vessel that can't handle my emotions no longer
they spill out of me
my eyes- tears fall
my fingertips- i hold on too strong or not at all
my lips- chapped
my hugs- full of something.. longing
my emotions are showing in everything i do
i can't stop

i am exposed
i am raw to the bone

every feeling that touches me makes me fall
every comforting word makes me doubt
every hand to hold lets go

no one to turn to
no one understands
no ones comfort is enough anymore

even when i reach out
even when i try to get help
there's always something else
sorry i can't talk to you right now, i'm high as ****

the people i thought i could rely on, i can't
the people i love, don't get it
the people that have been there from the start- everybody's too consumed in their own lives
who am i to disturb them?

all i feel is pain
all i feel is the ghostly lips of the past on my forehead
..telling me to let go
all i feel is negativity

i'm too far gone
too far in
too late

sleep doesn't heal me anymore
drugs are no good

everything good that has been in my life
the good i've built for myself
has been spread upon the skin of others
has been left in the places i can no longer go
the places that hold my secrets
the places i left my feelings with

i'm emotionally raw
vulnerable
and i just want to be relieved

i've been strong
i'm tired of fighting

Look in the mirror
He said
And say these words
to yourself

You are beautiful
Just the way you are.

I couldn't
I couldn't say those words.

I couldn't even look
Look myself in the eyes

Not without crying
Not without dying

Why sir
Why should I do this
I cried to him
He just looked at me

You were made
To be perfect

You are beautiful
On the inside

That night I knew
I had to change

I couldn't do it anymore
Hating myself

I had to find peace
With myself

So that night
I looked in the mirror

But I saw something
Something strange

It was me,
But I could look into my eyes

So I did
And said those word

You are beautiful.

Please take note:
1. Give your heart to the boy with the crescent moon smile. Make sure it appears whole and perfect.
2. When he breaks it, tell him it's only a scratch. Polish it and hand it back to him with a smile. Do not hand him the magnifying glass. Do not let him see all of the other cracks. He has too many of his own, and you'll spend your time wishing you could fix them.
3. When someone lets you see the rough edges of themselves where the seams have been ripped and re-sewn, give them a hug and a smile and tell them that they are loved, tell them that you will listen. Talk to them like you would talk to yourself. To do this you will need to pretend you are normally honest with yourself. Do not ask them why it happened -- it is over now. Do not try to erase the scars -- they are there for a reason. They are scars for a reason. The body has healed them. Do not try to fix something that has healed. You will say too much and regret it.
4. When the boy asks you if you are upset tell him yes. Your smile is not strong enough for him to believe it. Do not tell him why you are upset. You are too strong to let it leave your lips. Do not let the cracks show.
5. If you are afraid or upset or lonely, write it down. Your words will seem silly in the broad light of day, but the feeling of pen on paper or fingers on keys will put you at ease. Let yourself be at ease. Listen to something beautiful and let yourself get sleepy. Let whatever emotion you are feeling come out as a sigh before you shut your eyes. Let sleep and music and words written be the charms that keep it away. Breathe out. Do not let the cracks show.
6. When you cry at something that should make you smile and your friends look at you like you're crazy do not explain. Tell them that you just can't contain your happiness. Do not tell them the way your heart feels hard and heavy in your chest and that the gift they sent you or compliment they paid you took the burden of hiding your emotions from your face just long enough for your eyes to let a few tears escape. They will not understand. Do not let the cracks show.
7. Finally, when you are alone and the door is closed and every living soul is gone and every emotion is pushing on the cracks from the inside out, let yourself be broken. Pour sadness and anger and hurt on the floor like a broken glass pours out wine. Look at everything you have spilled. Feel the shame from the first time you were broken and then feel nothing more. Grab a mop and clean the floor. Grab a towel and take a bath. When you are empty and naked and still alone, pick up each piece of yourself from the floor. Glue them together and smooth the seams away. Paint them to match your skin and polish them until they can't be seen. Get dressed. Fill yourself with food, music, writing, and smiles. Do not let the cracks show.

From body to box,
Sunday brought back the reminder that death,
is the only thing permanent in this world.

Tears burning a hole in my heart, thinking back of days
in which I was dying to die,
and what for?

I have yet to figure out why we
live, or what I'm supposed to
do. The complication of that thought
processing through my anxious mind
drives monsters in my stomach
and brain
to start tearing their ways out.
Leaving each new finger print
a face to forget, and each new sent
one to remember.


I'm confused,
as to why we bury what we love under
dirt, but really
why the box?

Why not let our remains be the sprout
to courageous wildflowers and
sweet nectar.


The past four years have brought change in
everyone, and everything loved. Battling with myself
for rights and wrongs and unknown
crumbling pavement.

Haunted with "Where will I go when I die?"
Who's to say when I'm dead, because by my definition
that was April 18th.


These questions
and jumbling
blurred
thoughts
pour out of my eyes, mouth, nose, and ears
Imitating some sort of overflowing volcano
of insanity.

Flesh eating virus, succumbed to all advances

Managed to influence my last white blood cell

Followed, every inch, we followed

You

Into that back room.

Deteriorating slowly

Every time those fingertips meet

These layers of skin

I am half of half of what I used to be.

It burns while it stimulates

My screams are confused

I can blanket this apartment

With the secretion of this chaos

Maybe we can learn to swim.

Maybe If we’d learn,

We’d quit.

You are the hell I’m living in.