Alice Julia Miller

Alice Julia Miller Oct 2013

"I'm not going to place"
I said
The literal instant
They called my name.

1st place is the blue ribbon
That's well known
But 5th is
Apparently
Green.
But you would have me think
It was perfect.
You would have me think
I'm perfect
And I don't know why.

You held me on your lap
And complimented me
And when I said those
3
HUGE
words
As I do for you because I mean them
You said them back.
And
I don't know
If I should trust you.

Alice Julia Miller Oct 2013

Silent Screams on a Monday Night

You ABSOLUTELY
FRUSTRATING
BEAST
My fingers curve sharply, wanting
To claw at my arms
To strike your pretty face
Then kiss you so hard our teeth collide and I
WANT my love to hurt you
I want there to be startling violence in my affection because
I can't stand to not care about you
Even if I can't stand the way you act.

Alice Julia Miller Oct 2013

Eat Me, Drink Me, Love Me

I want you to take me in
In that softsweet way of a lover
                                                                     I love your skin like I love the infinity of beauty of the world
You're a treasure to me and you do what
So few can, you make me SMILE
What more could I ever want and yet
You can't let Her go.
I know she was your forever but
You saw me.
                                                                                                                                                  Forever can end.
My forever is gone
Betrayed by a kiss I didn't even receive
And jealousy
And I had it so much better than you do now.
I ache for missing what I no longer love
BUT SHE HURTS YOU
And She isn't even yours.
                                                                            Don't ever let somebody who doesn't love you hurt you.

Alice Julia Miller Oct 2013

Hesitation

Be careful
With your words, little one
Anyone might say
You love me.
And you
Know they already
Have. They say you never
close your mouth about me but I just wish
You didn't close your heart.

Alice Julia Miller Oct 2013

Reaching Hand, Open Heart

I sincerely hope
That you understand that I
Love you.
I love you in a constant way, not a sometimes
Maybe it's romantic even if you won't let it be
But I love you.

And sometimes when you hurt you accept
That love
Like a salve on your open wounds
Slashes from people who say
Those same 3 words I do
But who are not constant.

Those people have good days
Bad days
Treating you accordingly
I have awful days
And worse days
And I love you with all of my soul.

I'd drop everything
I have dropped everything
To hold you to me
The half naked warmth and confusion
Of your panic attack
Preceded by kisses on your bed.
I was *******
As you were and you cried into me
And I stared at the paint splatter of freckles
On your strong, broad shoulder
And I said it was okay
And it was.

You tell me the anxiety comes in the mornings
How can I not want to be there?
If you have to wake up in panic
I want there to be a
Warmsympathetic form
In that bed with you to drink in your sorrow and
Kiss into you the joy of the world
Even if
That isn't
Me.

Alice Julia Miller Oct 2013

One Meal

I wonder
Is it possible to be
An Accidental Anorexic?

I eat one meal a day, typically speaking
Not for lack of hunger
Or food
Sometimes I eat myself into nausea
Without meaning to,
Devouring like a black hole
Then regretting it.
The hunger is not sated, but nausea rises
Am I breaking
What if I
What if
No.

Today I had dinner.
Yesterday I had lunch.
I don't hunger until 10 in the morning and
By then it's much too late most days
I wait for lunch
Starving
But it's like they don't try to make it food.
A deliberate insult to the gnawing pain,
Mocking my inability to stomach it
I can hear my mother
"You're not really hungry if you won't eat it"
But I am

I'm so tiny.
I've experimented
Eating nothing
Eating so much
The little needle doesn't care. It's the same.
Every.
Time.

I want to be able to change a part of me
Which is apparently a sign
That you're suicidal
That desire for control over some aspect of your life.
I won't cut my hair
So is it food?
Is that my control?
Am I
Accidentally Suicidal
Too?

Alice Julia Miller Oct 2013

BY MUTUAL AGREEMENT

I sit back
And my heart is warm
Physically
Like the heater in his car.
And I cannot, though it feels so good
I cannot stand it.

If I could pick my infinity
Any moment to live forever
Moments from today would be high on the list
Because nothing turned it bitter
I would most prefer
The last hour in the almost-dark

A moment from that would be beautiful
The soft reek of dog food and dogs themselves
Watching him work with the broad head
Of a Lab under my hand
Would be wonderful.

But I know what I want most.

I want the infinity of those kisses.
His lips softer than I thought
They always are, somehow
His warmth and his
THERENESS
I want that to be for me.
And I know I can't have it, I know
He cannot
Love
Me.

But this was by mutual agreement.
I signed myself over to confusion
As did he, but
I can't
Help but feel
That I long for
More.

I sit
Lean and trembling
And I want any part of my day with him
To be forever.

I love the sweetness of the coffee
Though it was too much
Because of the smile
In his eyes
I love his understanding
Of so much
My wants and my feelings
And I know
I will not find this elsewhere
But it's like
I promised
Not to give my heart and I know
If I did he would not take it.

Though he will hold me, and kiss me and
That
Is enough.