do you understand that i have loved you above all else in this world? at times, i have placed you all too high over my own head.
there are songs i swear you wrote for me
there was blood
there were tears and ***** shot glasses
there will be nights i have to go without you
when i still need you
need is an overused word.

might be the most honest thing i have ever said when i come to admit
i have never tried this hard for anything

I don't agree or like how it isn't normal or common or nice to say that I don't know if I'm supposed to be with you.
you make me feel so empty sometimes. like when I think of you saying her name or telling me those stories that send my heart to the bottom of my torso
how am I supposed to know if this is how it's supposed to be? sure, baby, you make me so happy. you make me ache with want. is that how it's supposed to be?
you know and I've said
love has never been worth it for me
and God it's never made sense
this doesn't make sense.
you make me feel like I'm running on empty, babe
you make me feel drained and sorry and restless and forever seventeen
you make me jealous and angry and you make me feel just as notgoodenough as the rest of em, love
why can't I just say this to you? it's not like it isn't any of your business. this could be a feeling that keeps my ring off your finger.

baby
baby
I wanna make your stomach flip
but I have never been deserved by anyone
I have always been too good
too kind
too much too soon
too ready to be loved
the way
I always should have been





I wish you would have been the first

wait
wait
i can't keep trying to skate
right over the ice of a heart never healed
scars poorly sealed
this sickness is unreal
and
the pain i feel?
surreal
slow down
slow down
as i drag you along at the speed of sound
i'll pick you up and pretend it was you
whose body smashed into the ground
but, please, take me around
show me your town
do you know what's happening right now?
of course i don't, i won't
i still am what i swear i am not
i will still love you when my body rots
a line on my leg is a tear on your face
when i am myself, i can't hurt you that way
it's still flying past me
a million miles
a millisecond
burning
aching
yearning
waiting

Quietly accepting.
We could let this drift away,
but I don't think you would.
Your poker face has even you fooled, love.
But over and over I'll put my cards on the table and I'll try not to stand up on my chair to tell you all about my heart and the things I know.

I was sure you were gone and sure you were the one.

i start by telling her i am convinced there are almost no moments that matter,
like really profoundly matter,
and i am subliminally convinced of this, especially when i am alone.
but then i swear to her, there i was all alone in a basement staring a small, blurry two dimensional copy of you,
and when i look at your smile in the photo, mine grows bigger
and i let out this soft, unintentional laugh,
at the exact moment i feel tears rolling down my face, and my body seems to know before my heart does, and my heart knows before my mind does.  
and i knew then.
i knew then that i was wrong, that i was not stuck in a series of inutile moments that in grand design, meant nothing at all. if all the other moments i thought a waste led me here, i valued them.
this moment was a brick wall and a cleansing rain. it was the absolute moment i knew i would spend my life happily earning your trust, your time, your heart.
i tell her this with relief on my breath because the hurricane in my head named after you has settled, and i am more than ready to start building back up.

What if I don't make it to where I'm supposed to be before I have a chance to change it all?