I think I'm crazy when I count how many words I've written,
but I can't tell if I can't count, or if I'm just too exhausted to see.
When finally, all of the sleepless nights and tiring days catch up to me.
When I fall asleep in class because I can't fall asleep at home.
What if someone is in my house?
What if someone breaks into my house?
What if I don't wake up again?
When I actually contemplate going to sleep, because I don't want to wake up the next morning.
I want to take a chance and see what will happen, because I'm sick of waiting and I'm sick of being scared.
When my fear of what happens in the night while I'm not awake stops me from closing my eyes for more than five seconds,
Not allowing me to enter my peaceful world of dreams where all I dream about is that first kiss with you,
Even though
I know that it will never happen.
But then it catches up to me.
It hits me when I least expect it.
The warm wave of exhaustion covers me like my blanket does to my sleepless body at night.

You were gone,
And it was the time that I needed you most.

Lifeless and tired,
my body raises from my seated position,
dragging my heavy feet with gentle footsteps into the washroom.
The cupboard is clear.
Free of any medication that will numb the pain for an hour or two.
But it's only an hour or two.
For an hour or two I'd be emotionless.
For an hour or two, I'd be sitting in my room, staring at the wall,
unable to write or even to think.
But after that hour or two,
the pain would be back.
It would rush into my body faster than I could ever rush my body in front of a car
It wouldn't bother to creep up on my innocent soul, readying itself to pounce.
It would just speed into me, slamming its breaks after I've been hit, only to make sure that I've been affected, before continuing its journey through my body.
My body that's been drained from all emotion would suddenly **** alive, feeling the burning venom of the pain searing through my veins.
What happened to the blood pumping through me, keeping me alive?
Oh right, it's gone, because so am I.

I love you a lot.
Whether you do or don't have hair,
Whether you weigh 90 lbs or 200 lbs,
Whether you get straight A's or straight D's,
Because in the end,
None of that matters.

What really matters is what's inside.
How much you care about people,
And everything around you.
How loving, and sweet you are,
To everyone.
Whether you know them or not.

So when I tell you I love you,
Know that your outside is super cute too,
But it's the inside that I love.
It's your inside that is my favourite.
And by inside I don't mean your intestines,
I mean your heart. <3

That moment when you just feel so alone and unwanted that you basically beg to let the tears roll down your cheeks but can't bare to let them.
That moment when you just wish the ground would swallow you up and let you be alone.
The time when everyone is together except you and you feel so unwelcome that you just leave.
When you're in a room full of people but you feel an empty breeze and barely notice the looks on people's faces because you're too lonely to look at them.
That moment when people think you're a snob because they're too intimidating for you to talk to.
When they think you're stuck up because you never strike up a conversation, yet they can't either.
That moment when you just feel unneeded by the world and finally think about really leaving.

I can't wait to get the **** out of this place.