For a few minutes he just stares in silence, I stare back.
Wondering what he's thinking
As I think and overthink about the eagerness that swells in my belly when he stares into my heart. Hoping he won't read what I'm writing in my head. Don't stop staring.

i really don't feel like talking to anyone but you.
Just make that stare last forever.

I've loved you since before I knew what love looked like. But I had faith God wouldn't bring you if I wasn't ready. So I've loved you ever since because God kept us in touch and when I asked you what your story was you let me in and every night you beared a new piece. I've loved you since our intimacy was merely behind a screen and before we both knew what chemistry could grow to be. Ive loved you since you taught me how to be bare, fully clothed and still naked from all the things I thought I needed to be to be loved. When all along I just needed you.

I fell in love with him the way you fall asleep: slowly at first, then all at once.*

He is 6 hour skype calls until the sun comes up, laughing at how my upper lip looks like a mustache and his nose looks like the bell on the Taco Bell logo.

He is the lover of black women that says my poems are beautiful and my tans are healthy.

He is a conversation that never ends but never strays to flirtation nor awkwardness. A listener of my stories and the laughter that gives them meaning.

He is comfort in a place that is unknown. He is the unexpected friend that feels so close to something I've always known.

Oh how he is.

In love like the real kind
The kind you see in movies where people are crying because they are so moved by what another person can make them feel.
The kind you find in silence when you hear their voice and you respond by whispering I love you.
The real when you can ask anything say anything unapologetically
The real when you fall asleep and wake up in love one of the few consistent feelings you experience on the daily
The kind that makes you run to touch them when asked if anyone has changed you as a person.
They'd find my fingerprints all over you baby.

He sings me love songs
Even though he can't sing at all
Because he knows it'll make me smile
As he tries to hit that note
Stroking my cheek
As I hold back laughter
Humming the tune as he leans in
Looking me in my eyes
Tilting my chin up
To kiss me at the best part
And get so caught up in kisses
He just lets the song play out without him

Happy Valentines Day

I made this promise to myself that 20 would be the year of me.
Self love, self worth, self focus.
That in this year I would reflect on what truly is my purpose on this earth and how I can live out that purpose.
I promised I'd detach myself from anything that brought me pain in my teen years closing doors that I too long always kept partially cracked hoping something or someone would love me enough to eventually slip back through.

I swore I'd asexualize myself and turn off any urge to love someone with all of me..
That may sound unhealthy, but I reached a point where it's so exhausting I have to rebuild the strength back up to let someone new in.

I thought this day was a test to show how much love was out there for me, and I received so much love.
I had this expectation that that love would be shown by the one person I needed it most from.
I was mistaken.

I swore I'd let it go if today wasn't what I needed.
It wasn't.
Just as nineteen is gone, he is too.

Happy birthday to me.

Each night after  you close your eyes to the day
But before you open your eyes to the dawn
Picture her running towards you.
Arms extended, playfully laughing a love song.
Can you hear yourself?
You're the sweetness in her laugh
The gleam in her eyes
The glow in her smile
Just ask yourself "why does she seem more beautiful than ever?"
She's a woman in love.

What is it like to be real friends?
Can we do it?
We used to know how but that was before we were face to face
Facing attraction that we can't seem to avoid.
I don't think I can because when my mind daydreams it always comes back to that Wednesday morning
That night we slow danced
And so many others
Is it possible?
Because last night you said you love me like the real kind
(And even though I don't know what that means)
I think I feel the same way
So are we kidding ourselves
Or am i just delusional misreading memories and words you say?
Morphing them into what I want
Confusing myself more along the way

And in that moment we are infinite*

Anger stretching my jaws wide enough to belt
chants from the deepest corner of my gut

Finding strength in the numbers
Strength in the hands that were raised along with mine
allies becoming my brothers and sisters

Lights glared green, yellow, red, blue as we halted the city
In that moment we were what the city feared
what the city needed wanted and dreamed
all at the same time

Bodies in solidarity finding ourselves in a foggy mist
Screaming through the streets to be seen and heard
and in that moment we were

infinite

forever our memory will be pressed as the newspapers reflect on the protest that demanded that our lives matter.
While some studied, we struggled. together, passionately, some in tears, but all without fear.

in that moment.

Does time exist? Does it matter even?
If I loved him then, will I love him forever?
If in a matter of weeks he becomes a stranger
Did I ever know him at all?
As the days fade, and new memories are created
I wonder what he could possibly be doing that doesn't cross my world.
But then again we went 17 years without crossing paths.
What's another 17?
In that time will my love become dormant and
arise with the first sight of him?
I'll only know then. Hibernating.
Time waits for no one, but if it doesn't exist
I can be waiting forever subconsciously.
Never noticing until I see what I've been waiting for.
That moment when I come across a stranger with whom memories I share.

Tune into another day, I do
Playing sentimental love songs that describe me oh too perfectly
"I can't get over you, you left your mark on me"
"I love you enough for the both of us"
"it's yours"
"you act so different around me"
"but i stayed down, i always stayed down"
i nod my head, as my heart aches with the bass

It's not your fault that the stars told you to be vulnerable. You went from not loving enough, to smothering. Mistaking constant showering of attention as vulnerability. Hanging in the waiting for him to return it, only to realize he loved you more when you held back. You were more interesting. So you tried to soak up those showers and were unsuccessful because by then the stars said it was love at first sight, that you would feel enchanted to this person whom you barely know but you've already put so much of yourself into it that you'll believe it. You want to believe it. It's not your fault you just want to be loved. Why not listen to the stars above? They're closer to god, and god is love. You just assumed they knew.

Of all the things I dreamed for,
I never knew you were one of those dreams.
Somewhere hidden in my cranium behind reality, could've been, and meant to be.

Just keep praying
You're allowed to cry
Be frustrated
Demand answers
But just keep praying

Akin to second hand smoke
rage passes on
she isn't cognizant of the idea that when she yells
her words cut through me too

I become both their emotions
angry like my mother
saddened like my sister
my emotions contradict themselves
stuck in a middle counting down until I can escape again
Was it this bad a year ago?
Perhaps my absence causes the rage to reach all time heights because
Without me it's even emptier
neither have someone to run to, a confidante
Who's there to save the hero?
I feel my headache as it accompanies my cramps
Tears said he'd be here in twenty
I'm sick of both of them at this point

I ran in the rain and
as I reached the car
I wondered
*Why hadn't I ran until my feet gave out?

Idk if that's a good thing or bad thing, but we gone make every day count when we're together when I get back. Promise*

It's scary that after a month I get so anxious to not be next to you. What's worse is a month is going to turn to five. Can we make these days count forever? Love me as if you never knew how to love someone else. As if waiting is the only possible option you have because nothing else feels quite the same,

...because that's how I feel about you.

So if you ever feel like you're in this alone, remember there's someone in South America that feels just as alone as you.

It's snowing outside and
I'm in bed watching through the window
Singing love songs
Asking if I'll be cold all winter
In more ways than one

Fifteen year old Alanda got a boyfriend over the 4th of July weekend. "His name is Snow."
I marveled at the pride she had in saying his name. She might as well have had "Property of Snow" stamped across her forehead. And I knew if the opportunity presented itself she would.

"Awe, how cute. I was your age the last time I had a boyfriend. Wow that was almost 4 years ago."

"What!? But you're so pretty, and so nice!" She said it as if that was the recipe for being with someone. As if pretty and nice equals never having to say you're single.
I tried to explain that it's difficult finding a black man on this campus when black women outnumber the men. I tried to explain that many of these men know they are capable of many women. They know it's okay to love selfishly. The same way I know my worth.

"So you're gonna go on
blackpeoplemeet.com?"

Always proving me right. I won't mind him though because soon enough he'll see how ****** up one can feel watching them pay more mind to someone else. I didn't interrupt him, I didn't throw one ounce of shade. i danced, I laughed, i continued my night as if he never had showed up. As if I didn't see him in my peripheral vision whispering in her ear, dancing pelvis to pelvis. nah. It wasn't worth me breaking a sweat because I know I don't want that much. I may not even want him at all. So it doesn't bother me because on the off chance that I maybe would want him, he would be ******* it up each day. Taking advantage of being cared about. It's obnoxious. I throw in the towel easily, and his cockiness does not attract me. It's amazing how someone can look so different in a matter of weeks, and now I'm not really sure what I'm seeing, but I know I'll forget about him once I've left. maybe then he'll be able to see.

I wonder how he feels when the sun warms his eyelids at daybreak.
What does he say to talk his feet into giving the floor another day to be graced by his presence?

I want to know his conversations with the Lord, eavesdropping, just to catch a snippet of whatever pulls him through adversities.

What does his heart feel like? I imagine it big and damaged, like an antique vase that couldn't quite be thrown away because it holds so much sentimental value, but whose cracks can never be repaired. I want to feel those cracks.

I wonder what he daydreams of. What floats into his mind when everything is still? What does he over think about when he thinks no one is watching?

As he retires into a bed that is not his own, how does he reflect on his day? Remaining ready to face tomorrow as if fearless. I feel his fear, but never see it. Rarely he'll let me hear it in his voice.

So many questions that I wonder. I silence them. I may not be able to love him, but I will always respect his story. I will love his strength.

Naked
Sacrifice your clothes
All those things covering your heart
Give me your body
Willingly I'll accept and feel away any
Blockade that has kept you from me
I want to feel your beautiful

Sitting in this room mad as hell.
It's raining outside. I'm jealous.
Why?

I was deprived of my O.
Selfish lover he is.
I was ****** that she gave him a teaser of water and he just ran with it.
All he needed whether I was in tune or not.

I don't know why tonight I thought it'd be different.
Welp.
He invaded my insides as I begged for compassion.
Came as a courtesy as if that's what I wanted.
WHAT ABOUT ME

Always about him
His positions
His requests
His needs

What about me

I should've gotten drunk for this
Depriving me of my O.
I could've stayed at home
Gave myself my O.

I wonder how he'd feel if he woke up just to find me fixing the mess he made.
Is that rude?

Because Maxwell is playing in the background saying
now his part is over
BUT WHAT ABOUT ME

Thundering outside
Then there's me

Every time I come home I feel so much older
Maybe Milwaukee ages us
Makes us anxious stressed
Worries us

Milwaukee shows me my lonely because I'm always left
Home alone with just the dogs and
Even when everyone (the three of us) are all here
We stay away from each other
Silence
When its broken with a strangers laughter its odd
As if they're too loud
"I haven't seen your mom in forever"
"It's so quiet"
"Where is everyone?"

She's either upstairs or gone
Yeah just me and the pups really
They leave, never telling me where they're going

It's funny when we're young our families are so quick to establish good memories of family love and tradition within us, building a positive foundation
But these days each holiday becomes questionable
It's like the idea of family is dwindling
I panic when I think of who will be at my Thanksgiving dinner one day...

I wore you on my wrist today.
Blew the dust off the black velvet.
Twisted the heart back into place.

Wanted to read about black girl happily ever afters and the heroine that was and loved her hero.
My pen once itched with sadness and could only bleed tears.
Needed a manual to teach me how to be me
How to love when it was too hard
Because I was too busy scribbling aching stories and screaming for answers
Not noticing the happily ever after was falling in front of me

I love you.

Take me where the sun don't shine, the water don't run, the money don't flow, the police don't come.

Tell me about the land where the black boy does not run, does not die, does not hang, mourns are not sung.

Sell me a dream where our magic glows as bright as the sun, although it's dark and you must use fingers and toes to find anyone.

That is the place my love will grow. In unaltered blackness.

I am so thankful.

Jesus I'll never forget what you've done for me.
Jesus I'll never forget how you set me free.
Jesus I'll never forget how you brought me out.
Jesus I'll never forget. No never.

I am living proof that his love is unconditional.

I'd do it all over again
if it guaranteed each time we'd end up here.

They'll knock your love down
And try to smear it out.
Ignore its prescence and neglect the joy it gives you
They'll always remember when you were down and out
Never curious if love ever pulled you back up
Your love will be mocked and forgotten and taken lightly

Luckily my love is mine and only needs to be understood by me.

Tears so warm
And thick
That you have to catch them with your tongue just to make sure you're not bleeding from your eyes.

I rather die alone by choice than to feel alone in another's presence.
At least I will always be mine.
I am mine no matter the day, hour, month, or phase.
Any time, any place
I don't care who's around

I am lovely and lonely
and that is better than that nausea you feel when what you thought was yours turned out to be
temporary
Your heart sinks to your gut
I don't want another person to be the reason I feel unwanted
I want my loneliness to be a choice
a temporary emotion
because I am never alone
As long as I am mine
*always

Fill those blanks in with complaints
Those silences
Something to be unsatisfied with

"Forever alone" we say
So we fill our minds with the idea that
No woman is complete without a man by her side
No matter how many times he's lied, or made her cry

"I just want someone to hold me" we say
So we let them fill our legs with their bodies
Our heads with love songs and insecurities
Stain sheets and interrupt functional thoughts with impurities

"He's no good" we say
But we answer when he calls
Faithfully
Responding
Always egging him on so we can have
Someone
Worth complaining about

"I love him" we say
When we really we just love the thought
of WE.

You remind me of being 13.
That immature crush that takes centuries to progress because I become too shy. So we catch each other at random, and I'm always excited to do so. Always planning what I'll do and say next time, but when it comes around...
My eyes just look or I turn away too fast. Somehow your arms always open at the same time each day though. And mine always fall right below your ears. So soft those arms are around my waist...
Those hugs I used to pray for when I was 13, except now I'm wearing a nightgown and feel this hug more than ever.
Maybe one conversation a day.
Always at least one hug.
Thirteen again.
Yet it's fun, secretly so intrigued.

He sat and watched her cry.
All he could do was try to comfort the mess he made, make sense of what was yet to come.

She stared at him and cried.
Her mind filled with all the thoughts she never wanted to accept.
Afraid of speaking them into existence, fearful of the response he'd give.

Tears fell, hearts broke that night.
He admitted everything he wasn't, everything he couldn't be, everything he couldn't give.
Her ears listened, her heart ached, her lips quivered in pain.  

They realized it was over that night when
they parted ways.

Just 3 months ago I thought I was falling in love, my neophyte.
Ha.
Now when he tries to talk to me, I'm annoyed.
Where was he three months ago?
Busy.
So when he asked if he could see me before I left again if felt good to say
Too busy

I think he's getting the hint that maybe it's really over.

I woke up alone.
My dogs were on both sides of me but I was alone.
The night before seemed like a long endless dream
And I awoke with a bubble in my stomach knowing when I left my room,
It'd be just me there.
I can't say everything was done perfectly or handled calmly but I never stopped loving her
It just became so hard
Like the best friend I made when I was born was
Slipping away
She saved my life when I was so young
She was always saving me really
And I guess I just didn't have the patience to keep trying to save someone after 2 years of them denying they need to be saved.
I can't be someone's savior.

An old soul said he told me so.
He said I'd learn. He was right.
I told myself I'd never wake again to tears.
I'd never let someone else be the reason.
Summer's over. We're gone with the season.
I thought things were different.
Now all I can think is how much was true.
I'll never know. I only know how much I meant. How much you meant to me.
To say I'm hurt is obvious.
I didn't intend to get so close.
And when things got real, we were suppose to stick together.
I believed in you.

& at 5 am we argued about when we'll see each other next. Privileged to say he wanted to see me earlier, longer, over and over again. Willing to pay the cost just to touch my face again.
but I have a job
*but I have you

You broke me, but I am not broken.
I am better.
One day we'll cross paths
And you'll see that I am better
Than you
Than us
I am evolving.
You broke me, but I am not broken.

Day 4
And I missed you painfully.
Laying in bed missing all the times I came home to your face(times).
It became my favorite time of the day.

Then I have to remember that guy on those facetimes isn't who stands before me now.
In love with someone I haven't seen in a while.

So whereas I used to fear giving a person space out of fear of being forgotten, being lived without, being replaced,
Today I realized if I am any of those things, I would be them regardless if I separated myself or not.
I will not love out of fear.
Distance and time and if it's meant to be it'll be.

And I'll never get used to hearing "I love you" each time feels like the first, and finally I can say "I love you too"

And when you say "tell me you love me, I just need to hear it" I'll always mean it. Each time meaning it more and more.

I've loved you since summer hellos and winter goodbyes.

&Although; they had met a year ago,
In that moment it seemed for the first time she really knew him.
And when she knew him, she could only love him for all he was and could be.

Love is like people.
All different, all beautiful,
All matter.
To you, another love inexistent,
To them it is everything.
So the next time you see a stranger,
Ask yourself,
I wonder who is  lucky to love them and be loved by them.

And that unknowing, that question we'll never know the answer to, well that's beautiful. The knowing that there is enough love out there for anyone, even a stranger.

Don't go falling for these Cali boys. They're undeniable, selling dreams with kisses on top. Views of the boulevards and sights of the sun. You might just find him and fall all at once.

"And I know one day it'll end."

He was shocked that her faith was lost so soon.
But it was the truth.
There was no way of her keeping him.
He wasn't hers.
So she held each moment for dear life.
He spoke so many dreams into her  she almost believed it was forever.
She had no doubt that when the dark came to the light, they'd still be there.
Then it came. All those dreams became broken.
Their forever was cut short.
She knew one day it would end.

Finally doing things right.
The way you're not ashamed or scared to tell your mama about come Sunday morning.
Because you're waiting
Because he has goals and is committed to
Chemistry
So I know it's okay.
No hiding.
Because I'm a mid west rider
And he's an east coast soldier.
So we teach other new words
Expose each other to different worlds
Maybe we'll work.
We're different, we're good
We're new.
Good boys can be fun, if you're good.

If you miss me like a child with widespread arms,
I miss you like an Indian summer.
Hello to fall, goodbye to summer.
All the heat in the midst.

I miss you like a goodbye that hasn't happened yet.

So much love inside of me
I don't think she could understand
Because she doesn't know how to love herself
So it's like explaining being rich to a poor man
It's something he just don't know how to be.

no one there to walk me home safely
so i linger in the darkness
my darkness
wandering aimlessly
although i know where i need to go
just wish that there was someone that cared enough to get me there

so the strangers watch me as they laugh the night off holding hands
holding someone
and i clench my belongings
that's all i really have
just to hold something
if it can't be someone

stalling trapping myself in my 4 walls because i know i won't be able to find you there
better off wandering these roads dangerously
even though they warn me that its not safe at these hours
too bad there's no one to remind me
a lot of people will see me
but they won't notice
they'll assume i'll make it home
i always do

there are more important people in this world they have to tend to

so i clench my belongings walking home
continuously pretending there's someone for me to come home to

When I have children, I'll tell them of the day I lost hope.
It was the day after my 20th birthday, snow filled the ground
as sadness filled our hearts
resentment contained our minds
anger raged in our throats

I'll speak of a name they probably would never know
because the history books will try to erase him
I'll resurrect his memory to remind my children what kind of world we live in.

I'll look in their brown eyes trying to explain that white criminals are those that pledge to protect us, better our lives,
while black criminals are monolithic, black people, blacks that lie dead in the street.

I'll warn them that guilt will forever be perpetuated on them because of their skin.
As murderers walk free, not guilty of a single ******* thing.

Not guilty of killing, letting his body wither for the public to see.
black bodies laying in the street
similar to those black bodies that once swung in the trees

blood on the pavement
blood on the leaves
the blood of our seeds

I'll remember this day
hearts breaking