it's true
fall never came
warmth turned into death
long before you unlearned my name
there is no fault, only
the soft plea of forgiveness
ringing out through all the grudges
I am left with

there it goes, no
where,
we watch it go there, one
footed and half-hearted
a piece we liked
to think we'd never see again.
no, we don't need it, still
narrow minded, trailing
slow, breathing shallow
amphetamines
a substitute for blood
a glimpse appears vaguely, only
to be undone immediately

for all that used
to be leaves me
I turn to go each time
you leave me
still I stand like stone
believe me

freezing these moments
catching them as I saw you then  

I want you now

that sweetly stinging
presumptuous false outcome
I can feel it in my spit

your face has let me weep
for what I needed to learn
love was not in reach while
comfort remained at arms length

still I will not regret
our means of communicating
that I've never been moved by
though I understood your discomfort
I know I'll never have to embody it

"Renunciation is realizing that nostalgia for samsara is full of ****"*

-Trungpa Rinpoche

though you didn't think so
I knew what you meant
about not being able to fake
a friendship
or feeling
a complete lack of connection
in most interactions.
and when it isn't real
there is no desire to try
or pretend to enjoy
the company given.

so much less pressure
weathering it alone.

constant company,
to me anyways,
seems to mean insecurity
or a desperate need for attention
especially that of one
impacting on others negatively.

to reach,
or even begin to know,
your full potential
you must give time to yourself
with yourself
for yourself
and yourself alone.

falling back into
old ways of thinking
steadily
now, catching speed
returning
now, repeating
past habits
like saying, "I'm fine"
without blinking
haven't seen
anyone in awhile