he wished her distance
were further
when I tried to step back
he pulled me in closer
assured me
I shouldn't retract
my hands from his lower torso
because the way my touch felt
allowed us to pretend
we had entered some parallel reality
where he was rendered free
to move about me
however he pleased
and though I was teasing
I remained ready
to make him feel completely at ease

I choke on what I'm afraid to know
questions all stuck in neutral
left idling on my tongue
while smoke drives
right
out
your
mouth
I wish I could tag along

it was the super moon
but all that kept me swooned
was you
without asking me to stay the night
you finished your cigarette
on the deck
and left

usually
I'd trail behind your bare feet
back to your sheets
and be comforted
knowing your body was mine to feel

slowly you're making it clear
that maybe it never was

so I sat beneath that beaming moon
and figured I should get used to my shadow
keeping me company

days dangling
persisting mists keep paralysis
locked upon these lips
priority checklists insist
there is much more to live for than this

but a pack of 20 is gone long before
the night arrives
to heighten my hollow feining core
eagerly willing to endure more
if it brings an end to the internal war

then moved onto 100's
it's the percentage of how certain I am
that all corruption
is never ending

these invented coping methods
-lists of pros and cons with cigarettes-
are not getting me any closer
to blending
only extending
the mending process
of which I wish I was commencing

I bet instead
I'll keep pretending
that this demise is intended for me
still I know I'm only guessing
and growing further away from
social structure
that has been made,
but made to rupture