there's a difference between the meaning of
"i'm sad" and "i'm sad inside"
just being sad, externally, is fleeting
it's in response to a bad grade
a fight with someone close
it passes and it's okay to feel that way

being sad inside, eternally, doesn't leave
it's just there
you can feel it in your bones
a hollowness that you can't really explain to your friends
without sounding like a pretentious young adult novel character
it's been there for a while

i'm okay on the outside i guess
i have days where i feel alright
but i'm sad inside
and the sadness has become a part of me

i thought doing drugs would be
fun and a bit wacky and
romantic
i thought i would think of
creativity and awareness
instead of
the feeling of sand in my mouth
the feeling of being overtired
but unable to sleep
the concern for my friend
the paranoia of getting caught
of everyone knowing
of looking just a bit
not right
in the mirror

I miss you something terrible.
I can't go ten minutes without
thinking about you.
Painfully perusing the
Could've beens, would've beens,
should've beens.
You would have celebrated my
adulthood at my bat mitzvah.
You would have given me advice
about high school and
Navigating through love and the
weird puzzle of self identity.
You could have read my writing.
You could have appreciated the way
my taste has developed.

We could have talked horror movies:
Stephen King to Alfred Hitchcock
I think I could have talked to you
about anything.
The way I feel vastly alone and
empty
Like I'll never truly love someone.
Did you make me this way?
My family compares us a lot.
They don't compare you to anyone else.
Just me.

I miss you something terrible.
You'll never see me graduate high school.
Hell, you never saw me graduate
middle school.
You'll never help me pick out a
college
And then listen to me cry to you over
the phone when I'm scared I won't
make friends.
You'll never see me get married
To someone who I actually care
about.
My memories of you won't last
forever.

I miss you something terrible.

the way i cry myself to sleep
and blow my nose with used tissues
because it's just too much to get up
and even turn on the light

the way i sink into sadness
the second i hear about my father
or see something happy
and realize i'll never be that elated

how i love my friends
but feel grossly distant from them
at the same time
how i'm interested in the guy
until he reciprocates

i am uncomfortable in my own skin
i am equally full of restless energy
and void of any feeling at all
i think i know why i'm like this but
there's no way for this to be fixed
no way for me to be fixed i want
to live
in a field of flowers
alone with only
the dirt the sky the feeling of actual earth

sometimes i think i'm okay again but then
everything comes crashing down around me
and i think i'd be okay again
if i didn't exist if
i never existed if
the world had just skipped over me and
i would never have had to become so
utterly acquainted with this heartache
and nostalgia for something i've never even had

i write these words in this format because
they're constantly whispered in my mind
and in my soul
and it's a neverending torrent of
thoughts emotions desires
there is no time for a comma
no time for a period
time cannot be returned to me
i can feel myself fading

when i am reading and immersed in a different world
let me be

when i have one or more earbuds in
and rocking out to whatever the hell i listen to
let me be

when i am curled in a ball
crying over the stress
and the past
don't ask what's wrong
just ******* let me be

when you see my scratches
and dark circles under my eyes
i don't need your questions
i don't need your judgement


**just let me be

its starting to near october again
the time of the year
when everything goes to ****
when the walls get smaller and smaller
until my shoulders press in on themselves
and i choke, choke, choke

its starting to near october again
the time of year
when people show their true colors
when my friends become
judgmental cold mocking
and the walls isolate me

its starting to near october again
my best friend's birthday
halloween
first report card of the year
those are all okay things
i have a bit of breathing room

its starting to near october again
the memories take a hold of me
dragging me down into their murkiness
taking the light from my mind
replacing it with nothing
nothing is there

its starting to near october again
i wish i wasn't alone