i could see it pretty easily
the two of us watching indie movies, cuddled under a blanket
going to concerts and not getting lost in the crowd
because we stand out to each other
eating an entire box of pizza- just the two of us

i don't know how others would see us
whether we would be the couple people notice in the hallway
if we would only tell a couple people
what we meant to each other

it's weird
i want to be around you
but i don't know in what context just yet

i read an article about what happens when one loses a parent suddenly
with no warning
when the person is still a little kid

the girl is predicted to glorify her father
and forget the negatives
she is predicted to fall into depressions and eating disorders
and have low self esteem because there was no man around her as she grew up to tell her she was pretty

i don't know what my dad dying did to me
nature vs nurture is a debate that can never truly be tested
would i still be like this if he was here? is this emptiness just preprogrammed into my mind?
would i still look at girls the wrong way? still be unable to completely trust or give my heart to a boy?
these questions haunt me
they can't be answered

flipping through old photographs that i'm too young to remember being taken, i suddenly realize
it isn't just sad that he isn't alive anymore
it's devastating
i read my uncle's speech from the funeral
he had planned on taking us hiking in montana
he had planned on sticking around, and helping us be the best he could
without him, i am lesser
i am the daughter of a single mother who doesn't hold the same values as he did
i am the traumatized girl in your philosophy class
i am the girl who is still sobbing into her pillow six years after
i don't talk to people about it
when i'm already upset about something, my mind will wander to him, and it gives me an excuse to cry
but on nights like tonight, i don't need an excuse to cry
flipping through the photo album
he isn't coming back
he isn't coming back
he isn't coming back

Pretentiousness drenches us like an insecure rain
Hiding our lack of intelligence, our dull wit, our bland ordinariness
That suggests we're nothing but grain
In a bronze field of millions of other strands, the same.
That try so hard to understand, but do not retain.
Moving back and forth in the wind from another field
Better than us, but we arrogantly refuse to see, let alone yield.

Reading Ulysses, Dylan Thomas, Catcher in the Rye
Used to be different and genius, but everyone made it so dry
With their 'brilliant' interpretations, or contrived relation
Claiming themselves as the people the pages always cried.
They degraded works that used to give those genuine elation.
There is nothing as sad as watching words disintegrate into a lie.
And there's nothing as disgusting than those who swallow the ink
Regurgitating the letters into what they try to believe is their natural drink

Today, I tried to comfort my 13 year-old self,
But there was nobody there, nobody listening.

It's so cold over there,
So lifeless and sad.
And come to think of it,
I'd rather be mad.

She cries in the middle of the night, hoping one day things would be different.
Then wonders "what if" and suddenly she's indifferent.
And there's nobody there, nobody listening.

I try to make this life as vibrant as can be
For her to finally see
That this is as good as it's gonna get
And that there's nothing she should regret.

But still she storms off in the middle of the night,
Screaming:
"Is anybody there, anybody listening?"

disappointed with what adulthood seems to be
constant worry constant stress no relaxing until social security kicks in
and even then that system will be ****** up by the time its my turn
except for those prized few, those diamonds in the spotlight that
can care for themselves and see life as a beautiful treasure
it's not that i don't want to live
i'm pretty sure i do, actually.