i am uncomfortable in my own skin
i am equally full of restless energy
and void of any feeling at all
i think i know why i'm like this but
there's no way for this to be fixed
no way for me to be fixed i want
to live
in a field of flowers
alone with only
the dirt the sky the feeling of actual earth

sometimes i think i'm okay again but then
everything comes crashing down around me
and i think i'd be okay again
if i didn't exist if
i never existed if
the world had just skipped over me and
i would never have had to become so
utterly acquainted with this heartache
and nostalgia for something i've never even had

i write these words in this format because
they're constantly whispered in my mind
and in my soul
and it's a neverending torrent of
thoughts emotions desires
there is no time for a comma
no time for a period
time cannot be returned to me
i can feel myself fading

when i am reading and immersed in a different world
let me be

when i have one or more earbuds in
and rocking out to whatever the hell i listen to
let me be

when i am curled in a ball
crying over the stress
and the past
don't ask what's wrong
just ******* let me be

when you see my scratches
and dark circles under my eyes
i don't need your questions
i don't need your judgement


**just let me be

its starting to near october again
the time of the year
when everything goes to ****
when the walls get smaller and smaller
until my shoulders press in on themselves
and i choke, choke, choke

its starting to near october again
the time of year
when people show their true colors
when my friends become
judgmental cold mocking
and the walls isolate me

its starting to near october again
my best friend's birthday
halloween
first report card of the year
those are all okay things
i have a bit of breathing room

its starting to near october again
the memories take a hold of me
dragging me down into their murkiness
taking the light from my mind
replacing it with nothing
nothing is there

its starting to near october again
i wish i wasn't alone