I am frightened beyond belief
Of these feelings consuming me
My heart soars to your heavenly beauty
My Soul sold to hell to find the pain of your darkness
My body trapped by the earth between us
And all of me drowning in this raging storm
A bottomless chasm of emotion crushing down on me
So much beautiful love that every part of me hurts
And I'm terrified that I will lose what I don't even yet have
Your smile
Your touch
Your kiss
Your love...

And I'm afraid of myself
Im afraid of this impossible beautiful mad mad feeling
This crazy that paints a smile on my face while I sleep
A smile that won't wash off
Im afraid of this unexplainable and unimaginable happiness
That spreads through me at your every thought
I fear myself running
Myself denying
Myself hiding
Myself lying...

Pretending it isn't real
That it was all just rhymes
Of nonsnense and make belive
That I'll just turn my back
And disappear
That I'll slip into the arms of future regret
Because it's all too beautiful and I can't stop the doubtful whisper
Telling me I don't belong here
That no matter what I do
How hard I pray
Or wish
Or dream
Or hope
I will never know
Your smile
Your touch
Your kiss
Your love...

And that cold soft whisper freezes me to my core
And I tremble in terror
Afraid
Afraid to say
Too much
Too fast
Too soon
Too late
Too slow
Too little

The other side of love
The side no one wants to talk about
The side everyone sees as ugly
The side that they call hurtful and painful
The side they blame their own failures on

The side that takes our abuse
And our punishment
And our stupid pride
And our indifference
And our neglect
And our hate for it...
The hurt days of love
The bad months
The horrible lonely years
The cold nights
The armless dreams
Where there is nothing
To hang onto
But the misery of our
Failed attempts
Side of love...

No one stops to look
At it
Feel it
Really feel it
Other side of love
They're too busy
Filling their empty
Souls
With resentment
And anger
And disappointed
For it
Side of love

If they did though
If they stopped
For a moment
Stopped their
Woe is me
Pitty
Loathing
Moment
And listened
And looked
And just felt
The air there
On the
Other side of love

They would feel
And see
And hear
That it is every bit
As beautiful as
Its opposite
That it is nothing
More than the
Exact reflection
Mirror image
Of the absolute
Truth of love
That love
True
Perfect
LOVE
Is
Mad
Mad
Madness

It doesnt have sides
It is always whole
And complete
Full waiting
To be poured out
To needing hands
Empty waiting to
Be filled with
The kindness of
Strangers
Always broken
And always
Unbreakable
Its unexpected
And unexplainable
No reason
And absolute
Sense
The
Answer
To the perplexing
Question
Of life
Answered
Perfectly by being
The question
Of life
Itself

Give into its
Mad
Mad
Madness
And be
Grateful
To have
This chance
To go
Stark
Raving
Lunatic
Crazy
Mad
Through the
Good days
Bad nights
Lonely years
Cold armless
Dreams
Beautiful
Pain of
It all
Life
Let it
Break you
And make
You unbreakable
Be whole
And complete
And be
The
Mad
Mad
Mad
You
You were meant
To be
Go crazy
You
*******
Lunatics

On the good days, the words flutter around like butterflies waiting patiently to be choosen.  Other days, the dark uncertain times, they swarm you like hornets, stinging you over and over again.  Making the words fall from your eyes like tears splashing onto the page. You can avoid the whole thing,  by being normal, choose the hallmark life, pre-made and hollow love, never know mad love, never go crazy.  Live  the easy life, never risk anything, stay far far away from the edge.  If you want to call that living.  Bee bites and butterfly kisses, you can't just choose one, you have to live with them both.  The light wings of love and the swollen  eyes and hands from the stingers in your heart and soul... That's my life, the life I want at least... sleeping in the mouth of madness.  Somedays... it hurts, painful heart-wrenching hurt, Somedays its just so ******* beautiful all you do is weep at being alive to witness it.  Beautiful pain and heart breaking love... mad mad love.  How's that song go...

"You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me"

Is that the stones...No Joel you say, so you've heard it... but did you really listen, down in your gut far down below your ears.  See that's one of the problems of the easy life, they don't teach you to listen, really listen where it matters.  Deep down in your dark belly full of demons and monsters and devils, where all the do is listen and if you let them... they turn it all into mad love to keep you alive, really alive.  Not that fake life so many people are so desperate to live.  Every one so ******  afraid of letting a little pain or misery into their lives, all just wanting to be "happy".  Never learning or realizing what they end up missing out on.  A miserable life, there's a secret to it that they won't share with you.  To be miserable, truely  miserable... you have to be touched at least once, just once, by mad crazy stark raving lunatic mad love.  You have to have danced in the mountains of madness for just a second.  And that single touch and that single moment of dancing there among the lunatics of love... that kind of love, never leaves you.  It shoots straight to the marrow of your bones, the bottom of your bottomless heart, soaks into the darkness in the depths of your soul.  It may not stay in your arms or your bed, it may not last as long as it promised or you wanted... but it never just flat out leaves you.  It stays... after every other fire burns out, after every star falls from the sky, after the moon and sun commit their last act of love for each other and both drink each others poison, when the whole of existence just "poofs" and dissappears... That mad love will still be there.  And all those lucky lunatics who went mad and loved crazy will have it all to themselves... MmmHmmm, nothing but that Madness and love.  What a god forsaken beautiful **** fest of an **** that's going to be... just madness and love free from all the other *******, going at it like a couple of teens who just discovered the ability to ******.  And misery knows it, misey hates it.  Because misery can bend you over in a dark alley and take you by force... but misery goes away at just the hope of love, in the presence of love its nothing more than a mist and a ghost.  It might whisper to you behind loves back... but never face to face with love.  Misery is one of the merchants peddling the easy life with the pre-made hollow love and ideal of a happy safe life far away from that scary forbidden edge.  Don't fall for it... find your reason to go mad, find your passenger to drive laughing over the edge with.  Embrace your lunatic and fill your heart and your life with that mad mad love.  Be your miserable ******* self to the core and bitter end... if you need me, you can find me at the mouth of madness, just listen, you'll hear me singing, horribly and off key and out of tune, you can hear me singing to the moon.  You may not belive it, I know it sounds crazy... but baby your the one that saved me.  I'll be waiting here in this mad mad love you gave me... nothing beautiful left in this life for me to do... Thank you... I hope you know I love you.

"Knock, knock, knocking on heavens door..."
God answered laughing, "You can't come in!  I don't not give you this thing called sin,  you created that yourselves just like the atom bomb.  I will not wash you clean with my childs blood!  I don't know who made you, but it wasn't me.  The only thing I've ever done is paint the sky and clouds and seas amd shores and trees with love.  And all you do is try and ruin all those things too.  So go away I've got to go, the devil and I are playing!"

He spent more than six years avoiding it flawlessly, about the same time he had given up cigarettes.  For the most part, he did it for his son.  His father had been a good influence and he was determined to be the same.  Single, happy, just father and son.  They couldn't be any closer.  The mother left, to no fault of her own, because the guy that stole her away, her words, "he was just really good at talking... like a car sells men..."... Which was bs... he know she thought he was some big time **** on his way to big time money... It didn't work out that way, they both ended up at her grans' house.  That was 8 years ago, and she's on welfare with baby number four on the way from mystery daddy number four.  She was nothing more than a manipulater, she had sunk her claws into his broken heart, played him like the devil playing a fiddle, got what she wanted and tossed him aside.  Daddy number three had mysteriously killed himself... but that's all off track of this tale.
You see, he wanted his son to grow into and be a better person than he had.  To have better and more choices as he headed out into the world on his own.  He wanted him to be smart, he had to be smart.  When it was time for this dad to pass onto the great unknown, he knew his son would have to be able to stand up on his own.  His boy was not going to be able to lean on his mom, no, more than likely he would have to help her out when he was all grown up.  So he started to read to him before he could even crawl, started teaching him to read as soon as he could talk, taught him to count and add and subtract well before he was of school age.  And once in school kept at it, teaching him the next grade and two above his school level.  Piles of workbooks from bookstores and work sheets he made up himself.  Still doing it to this day, his son learning and soaking it all in.  Always up to the challenge of something new.  The dad always trying to do his best for his boy, not ever sure he was... but always trying.  
He wanted to make his son proud, he wanted to be that fatherly symbol of strength.  He wanted to raise his son beliving in equality, compassion, kindness, empathy, and mostly love.  Always reminding and telling his son, no matter how little we have, we always have enough to share.  And that sharing your time with someone was only second to sharing your love with someone.  They didn't have a lot, just enough to squeeze past... your basic pay check to pay check family of todays modern world.  Still, enough, he wouldn't work over-time when his son was with him.  He could make more money if he needed whenever his boy was with mom.  No amount of money was enough to pass up a day with his boy, telling his son, I can always make more money but once a day is gone we can never get it back.
Yea... he wanted so badly to be a good role model.
So he avoided dating... avoided anything and anyone that might make him even think or feel like he had any risk of falling in love.  He knew he didn't handle heartache well.... and he didn't want his son to see him walk around with a broken heart.  Didn't want his son to see him walk around depressed and wallowing around in self pity.  So he avoided it... quite well, for over six years.  
Then one day... never mind the circumstances and the how... he started talking to a stranger on the other end of the world.  Just harmless little messages sent back and forth, forth and back... It never should have led him to anything beyond a few friendly words on a screen... but somehow, someway... his heart was suddenly not his own  and his reason had taken leave of his senses.  He fell so fast for her, without even knowing until it was too late to stop it from happening.  He knew it couldn't end well but he couldn't stop smiling about her, or thinking about her... every message he fell deeeper into this abyss of madness and love.  All he could do was watch it unfold and pray when it came crashing down, pray for a quick death.  And that's where he is now... praying for love and a quick death.

How many times must a man fall in love
Before he accepts he's just a fool
And how many times can he drown in loves sea
Before he knows he can't swim
How many forevers can he find the end to
Before he realizes it just isn't for him
The answer my friend
Is beating in his heart
The answer is beating in his heart
How many loves can his heart bare to lose
Before it gives up all hope
And how many hearts will his hands fail to mend
Before he puts down the needle and thread
How many lives can he pull from the dark
And then be helpless to stop them from running back in
The answer my friend
Is beating in his heart
The answer is beating in his heart
How many wings will he mend and then watch break
Over and over again
And how many lost broken hearts can he save
Before he sees their number will just never end
How many souls will he scrub free of pain
Before he finds pain is all he knows
The answer my friend
Is beating in his heart
The answer is beating in his heart
And if you had the chance to ask him
Would you do it all again
He would quietly smile
And hum
For her I would do it
Until my heart can no longer beat
Over and over again

You got to use it all, all of it, your whole lousy stinking life.  Put it down on paper, scribble it with your pens, hit your typewriter hard and fast, pound it all down until your knuckles bleed white hot blood and scrawl it out with your last breath.   Give it your all until everything aches and drive it through the cold lonely nights down roads going to nowhere but heartbreak and faluire and pain.  And when the weight and depression kick in and get too heavy push down on the gas even harder and drive straight towards the edge laughing.  Let it punch you in the face until your eyes are swollen and you can't see anything but the darkness and despair and dance there with your guts spilling everywhere and your mad heart spewing out its broken teeth and black blood.  Don't forget to laugh, a howling and insane laugh!  Don't just be the bad punch line, be the whole god ****** ******* joke.  Use it all, all the misery and horror and loathing and pity and let your **** get hard and your ******* wet and just enjoy the ******* pain of it all.  Get drunk off it, get high off it, get off off it and spit your life back in its own face.  Just ******* be yourself for all it's worth.  Live painfully so you may die beautiful. And for **** sake, love madly or not at all.  Don't buy that fake *** hallmark puke, it isn't worthy of the stink of ink its printed with.  True love is only found in the beating hearts of lunatics down on the dance floor in hell.  They may not always dance that great, but man, they are ******* beautiful.

Please don't fly away yet
My red feathered bird
With endless ocean eyes of blue seas
Stay at least one more day
Where my heart will dance forever under
Your songs blissful grace
And If the moon you must chase
As the sun gives itself to death for night
With forever tucked safely underneath your wings
I shall wait for chance of your return
And live through long lonely days
And cold endless nights
No heartache or ruin in my chest
Just a smile spread cross my lips
At the memory of your hand
That touched my soul
And lit the eternal flame
To light the fire
For my heart
To dance
Around and round
Forevers days
And the beauty
Of everything
Of you

I want it all
All the good
All the bad
Push your hair
From your face
Wipe away the tears
And when you need
Sit and cry with your pain
Until its consumed by us both
Becoming each of ours to bare
Whatch you dance with
Monsters of gloom and doom
And take over when your feet hurt and start to bleed
Sleep with your demons and depression
Absorb their tooth and claw
No pain of yours would I not share too
Never see the moon again
Never dream under the star filled sky
I would die by your side
Ask nothing in return.
I don't need heaven
There's no paradise
Worth staying in without you

To love you
All of you
I would glady stay
Eternaly in hell

The poems were just falling out, I was walking into words much like stumbling through spider webs in the dark.  Some coming too fast to have time to find a sketch pad, or a new one already dancing in my head before the last one was written down.  Post it notes started to come in handy.  Waking up in the middle of the night with words waiting and glowing on my bedroom wall, hands stumpling in the dark for my phone and my eyes not yet focused but my fingers tapping away.  My admiration and wonder for you started to bloom into the sensation of falling... and then I started to fall.    

Messages weren't so easy... no where to hide.  My fingers would hover over the keyboard and my eyes transfixed on an empty message box for hours...sometimes  even days.  My heart wanted to shout and shout and shout, but my mind was terrified and shy and wanted to stay silent.  Reason and sense said say nothing at all... just walk away.  But my heart was caving into the madness of impossible possibilities and beautiful tragedies with happy endings.  I ended up stuck between the two and sent small talk, constantly afraid of saying too much and steering  clear of all the things I really wanted to say.  Hiding all my secrets in the plain sight of poetry and silencing my heart through the messages...

What was happening
How did I fall so fast
It was crazy
And mad
And beautiful
And it made me smile
And the simplest message
Made my heart howl
And race
And I felt
Excited and
Exhilarated
And
Terrified
And
Happy
And everything
No matter how
Repetitive or mundane
Or ordinary
Everything was
Suddenly beautiful
Every part of
Every day and
Every night
And every dream
Everythig beautiful
Everything about me
Started falling
For every part
Of you

And I could keep everything safe as long as the messages stayed simple, careful to never say too much.  Save all that for the middle of the night, stumbling in the dark, out of focus, over the top poetry.  Writing between the lines and hiding  behind metaphors of falling, careful not to let on that I'm madly and completely In love with you.  Because that... that just doesn't make sense.  Unless, you ask the mad truth beating in my heart.  There, in the crazy beauty of it all it does.  It makes perfect sense.  Because there I can hide behind...

Every word
Every syllable
Every letter...
And I fall a little more
Falling faster
Falling deeper
Every sound
Every image
Every message
And my heart escapes me
Beating wildly
Flying madly
Every morning
Every day
Every evening
Always dreaming
Always smiling
Always falling
For everything
Of you

Memories and poems
Leaving the bad ones
Lying with the good
Writing out of habit
Lackluster of passion
Stirring letters in the soup
Sculpting metaphors
Painting words
Yawning in my sleep
My life a month ago
Was more just a dream
Of nothing much
But past lovers
And regrets of
What might have been
Made up stories
Or truths of rage
Trapped living the lie of freedom
From the saftey of my cage

Then was it by fate or chance
Or coincidence
I really could not tell
A harmless message
Sent forth then back
A single image
And a voice
Words both written and spoken
With such beauty and such grace
My curiosity wanted more
And shyly I feed that cat
Another message sent and read
Inspiration whispered to my ear
Then heart
Then soul
Was it flirting or simple kindness
Maybe a little bit of both
My curiosity wanted more
And In truth so did I
I feed and feed the cat and I
The cat grew fat
And my heart grew found
Each new picture seen
Each new word read and heard
Unexplainably
Unplanned
I slowly began to fall
And in falling
Through the darkness
I quickly found
My heart giving into
Madness

Now I start dreaming
Before I fall asleep
And keep dreaming
After I wake  up
Dreams so vivid
Dreams so real
Dreams of falling
Through the madness
Of this love
You have never been in my room
But dream after dream
You have already shared my bed
We have never kissed
But my heart is convinced
It already knows the intimacy
Of your fingers touch
My soul spread with fire
Has burned your image
Upon my eyes
My pillow no fair substitute
For your head
But it knows every secret
Love and lustful whisper
I've wanted to say to you
And I know I shouldn't
But I cave and give in
Because it feels so good
And my senses
Say impossible
How could I have fallen here
Fallen so deep and quick
Into the blazing temptations
Of the devils smile
And the promised comforts
Of arms of paradise
The dark songs
The wailing warnings
The monsters beneath your bed
The devils waiting in your chest
I have fallen still deeper
Wanting all of you
For the delicate warmth
Of your smile
For the sweet songs
That beat in your heart
I would sit with you through
The blackest day
And hold your hands through
Every storm
My heart would want nothing less
Than all of it
To fly next to you
Be it forever
Or just one day
It's love for you
Will never fade

I wish you were here notes
Tattooed  up and down my arms
Written in an empty coffee cup
On a lonely chair at the dinner table
On the empty couch with the tv off
Waiting on the extra pillow of my cold bed
Sleeping on the clock I can't stop looking at... almost 2:32 am
Sitting silently on my phone that doesn't make a sound
Little squares of paper with five words
Caught in this storm
Repeating repeating
  I WISH YOU WHERE HERE
And the largest note
  The deepest cut
Those same words
Carved across my heart

What started off as poetry
Turned to shades of love
Deathly did I fall
Into woeful crimes of verse
Waking into dreams of you
So lovely that I wept

The endless ocean of your eyes
Has caught me in their storm
Wave after crashing wave
I have been tossed
In this love I am trapped to
Forever drown

The monsters beneath your bed
Have dragged me underneath
They have stripped me of my clothes and flesh
And broken every bone
But my heart still beats and sings
In this love to forever dream
Dancing down there with them now

Then the demons from your dark
Took and stabbed my soul
Both front and back
And as it died there in their arms
From its blood it scrawled
And painted images of you
The last words on its breath
In this love bury me to forever keep me here so that I have not died in vain

Then madness stole what was left of me
And jailed me in its heart and teeth
In this asylum I wander now
With the ghosts of my body, heart, and soul
Each one of us with our tales of you
Each word more beautiful than the last
Each story we all fall again
And again
Forever to walk in what started as poetry
In woeful happiness it's true
Now each and everyone of us
Fallen eternaly in love with you

"Did you see it?  Oh... god, please tell me you saw that.  It was ******* beautiful, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  I mean... I never... never saw anything... ANYTHING.... GOD.... just tell me you saw that....  It h..ha..happened so fast...was...was that even real.  It was crazy.... Her hand, it just...She just slipped it right through his chest... like he was a ghost or just air... and pulled out his HEART.  It was a beautiful thing to watch... and the air went electric, you could feel it in the  air... so much love.  His heart, there in her hand, it was singing and purring.  I never felt so miserably happy in my whole ****** life.  What a thing to see,  watching it beat there in her hand, It was flopping around in her hand like a fish, jumping, and I swear, barking and whining like a little puppy.  It filled the air with such love and happiness...oh... If I could have just stayed there in that air.  Then she smiled, and he... he was smiling too, the whole time, frozen with his eyes glazed over, a hauntingly beautiful smile... but her smile...wow... I couldn't breathe or move either.  God and the Devil, they would have wept to see such a beautiful smile.  And then she kissed his heart and I swear,  you could just tell...it kissed her back...  The electricity and music in the air,  it grew louder... it was like heaven and hell opened up and ever angel and devil and god and demon started playing a symphony.  Then,  this was the best part, she pulled wings out of thin air and started to sew them onto his heart... while it was still beating and singing and  jumping  around in her hand.   What a show... Unbelievable.  The wings came to life as she tied off the last stich... they streched out their feathers and then flew off with his heart... And... then they both turned to smoke and vanished.  Can you still hear it... the music... Can you still feel it... The love, here in the air... Its... Its amazing right... I could just stay here forever... couldn't yo...Hey, where did you go...where'd everyone go?... Hello..."  
But he was alone...
No one was there and it suddenly went black and he felt empty and he knew before he put his hand over his chest... his heart was gone

Every word
Every syllable
Every letter...
And I fall a little more
Falling faster
Falling deeper
Every sound
Every image
Every message
And my heart escapes me
Beating wildly
Flying madly
Every morning
Every day
Every evening
Always dreaming
Always smiling
Always falling
For everything
Of you

No picture tonight
No sound tonight
No words tonight
I'm in too deep
Way too deep
Just one more look
Just one more listen
Just one more read
I'm too weak
Way too weak
So beautiful
So kind
So sweet
I mustn't weep
I have to weep

I'm deep down in the thick of it all
And its hot and hummid
My flesh naked and sticky with sweat
From this loves hot hands molesting me
With echos of your picture
And dreams of your fingers raining down
Plucking on my hearts strings
Making it scream like a blue guitar
And it has never sang a song so beautiful and pure
And I know I shouldn't be here
But like when Blake married hell to heaven
And the needle stitched itself to ******
I just need a little more of this sweet sin
I'm not proud
I'm just a beggar
And I'm begging for your kiss
Let it burn me
Let it **** me
Won't you be my suicide
Because I can't get any higher
Because I'm not just falling
I have completely fallen
Let me die here by your side
I need your darkness
I need your demons
I need your pain
To to be my bride
And thats the madness
And the nonsense
Because I know
You can't be mine
But ****** to hell
I'll forever wander
Because from this
Dark delicious temptation
I cannot hide
I'm not proud
I'm just a beggar
I'm not hoping
I'm just hopeless
And I'm an addict
Begging for your lips
To steal my final breath

I've never been good with
Women or girls
Never brave, never able to speak
Mumble was the best I could do
And I did that too quitely
And too often
No... never good
Lucky enough though I guess
With the wild ones
The ones that didn't play chase
Or damsel in distress
The ones that wandered the night
Hungry for life and pain
The ones able to see me hiding
And mumbling to myself
Being shy in the corner
The ones that weren't afraid to strike first
They bought me drinks until I was drunk enough to forgot who I was
Or that I was shy
They lite the matches and the cigarettes and the fires and the madness
Took me back to their homes smiling
I was always too innocent and naive to know why
Until I woke up naked beside them in the middle of the night
And we would do it again
And in the morning too
Sometimes I got lucky for months
Sometimes years
And sometimes I got lucky
And fell in love
Thank the gods for the crazy ones
The stark mad lunatics
Crazy for the beautiful pain of being alive
I never would have known love without them
Would never find it again if they weren't still out there
Dancing in their darkness with their demons and heartache
No I've never been good with women or girls
But I've been lucky more times than one man deserves in a lifetime...
Still, it would be nice to fall madly in love one last time
Just one last first kiss from lips burning with the madness of love
Just one last time...

I never imagined myself with one of the incurable disease...Things like cancer always happen to some other poor soul.   And we all sit and talk and pretend to care... "Oh... How horrible... What did the doctor say... How long... Just so sad...poor, poor, thing".  "Thing"... like now that they're dying they are somehow less human, not worth anything but petty small talk to inflate our own self worth and ego.  That's what most of us do, living, if you can call what we do living, with blinders strapped tight to our heads so we can ignore as much of each other as possible.  Interacting only to satisfy our base carnal desires... stripping each others clothes, dignity, souls... stripping everything from one another but leaving the blinders on.   No one wants to watch the ugly act we've turned making love into.  It's not even ****... just empty bodies grinding in filth stained beds for cheap ******* trying to fill the painful moments before we fall asleep.  
And we have the nerve to call the lucky ******s dying, "Things".  Everyone can look in the mirror but no one is willing to see their actual reflection.  
What abunch of chumps.
Today, I became a "Thing"... No I didn't go to the doctor... I woke up and just knew.  I felt it crawl up from the depth of my very being and could see my reflection before I even made it to the bathroom mirror.   ****,... it hurt, hurt bad... the kind of hurt you know, just know, is gonna stick there with you to the bitter end.  It came on quick, it came out of nowhere... A little thumbnail size scratch right under my hearts skin.  It happened maybe a week ago,  I couldn't tell you exactly when or even how it happened.  It became infected before I could stop it, although looking back..  at my life before... why would I.  Dying like this... I never would have dared dream to be so lucky... Good god it felt good.  It even made my **** hard, it made it seep without even being touched, a ******* without the shame or guilt or lust... I woke up today and knew,  just knew, I was dying of love.  Dying for love.  Dying just to love her with my last breath... did she love me?  Would she?  Could she?  It didn't matter... I was going to die loving her either way, scrapping and stealing as much pain from her heart as I could on my way out, dragging every monster and demon and devil I could find in her burdened and black soul with me as I marched toward death.  If there was every I more beautiful way to die I wouldn't want it.  No, this was my exit to Eden, the only way for me to die.  Dying here in her eternal hell... Yea, it hurt... but it hurt so bad that it just felt right, that it made sense.  I was going to die and that was the best news of my life... I laughed, a good hard laugh, the kind of laugh you hear echoing in the halls of a mad house, insane asylum, a loony-bin if you will.  God forgive me, all the hurt and pain... I needed it,  I needed to see and feel it all.  I needed to  bathe in it, wallow in it, and swallow it all.  It was sweet and glorious, sticky and hot, dark and bitter... so much beautiful pain... it felt incredible.  Still, I laughed tears as it hurt just to breathe.  I couldn't help but smile, I was dying and dying the best way possible, my Eden and last breath at the end of her fingers, the end of her ocean, the bottom of her fallen heart..  and I was happy just to be there.

I don't love you because I think your an angel
No, I love you because your able to be human in a world full of monsters
To expose your heart to the unbearable act of living and breathing
To rather bare the painful ugly trurh
Than live the beautiful comfortable life of the lie everyone else  swims in
I love you for baring the pain and heartache  no one else dare touch or even look at
For breathing through the hurt days and cold lonely nights
For breaking and crying and falling weak to your knees in the darkness
While everyone else just pretends that they are strong
I love you for the sadness you accept
The bad unexplainable hours your heart beats and bleeds through
I love you for the beauty you carry that comes without aid of ribbons and bows and heaven
The beauty only found in the tears of a devil with a broken heart
I love you for being perfectly you

I  can't sleep for dreaming
Keeps my heart awake
I can't stop my mind thinking
Or my heart longing
To have you in my arms
Holding you while crying
Being there in your darkerst
Waiting out the storm
Pushing back the pressure
On your lungs
Give you time and space
A moment of pure
Unpainful breath
Dance with the monsters
Under your bed
Crawl with the demons
Under your skin
Hold my burning heart high
Use its flames
So you can see that your
Heart
Lost in the dark
Flows with only the purest
Colors of love
Nothing else
As beautiful as you
Every tear
Every pain
Every good
Every bad
Every piece
Of you
Has me
Falling
Farther
Down
Crushing
Down
To my
Kness
I'll never find
A better place
To be
Than with your
Heart
In good storms
And bad weather
Hurt with you
Share your tears
Drown with you
Till it clears
Hold your hand
With my heart
It beats
To be
With you
All of you
They way
You are

The misunderstood
The kind beautiful souls
That care too much
Love too deeply
Laying in bed
With monsters
And demons
And devils
Holding their hearts
Hiding in their arms
Crying
Because everything hurts
Seeing the world as it is
Watching nothing change
It's painful just to inhale
And exhale
The simple act of breathing
Hurts
Nearly unbearable
And they breathe
And live
And survive
Through the pain
And heartache
Day after day
Stronger and more
Beautiful
For the happiness
They sacrfice
From themselves
By caring and loving
Too much
They see beauty
In the world
In other people
Sometimes real
Sometimes illusion
But rarely do they
See that in all our world
In all our truth
And all our faults
That it is from their
Own hearts
That the purest
Beauty shines
Feeling trapped
And chained
And lost
To darkness
Never knowing
Never trusting
Never loving
Their own light
Often not being able
To see it themselves
No one stopping
To say

It's ok...

I'm here with you...

Its ok to hurt
It's ok to sleep
With sadness
Buried deep in
Your marrow
It's ok
To be depressed
To crawl under
Your bed and hide
With your monsters
It's ok to dance
With your pain
Dance and dance
Until your feet bleed
And your whole being
Aches
Dance until the pain
Is part of you
Because
It is part of you

It's ok to be you

No one is free
Of suffering
Of sickness
Of death
But not everyone
Really feels
It's the misunderstood
The kind
The beautiful
Caring too much
Loving too deeply
That feel
Everything
And to feel
Everything
You have to hurt
Hurt down to when
Your soul was pulled out
Of the void
And into existence
Hurt back to when
Your heart took its first beat
Back to your unbearable
First breath
All alone in the void
Rushing into this life
Unknown...

Hurting

So feel everything
For those that hurt the most
Also love the most
And it is the purest love
Everything about you
The pain and hurt and heartache and depression and suffering and love...

Everything...

Everything makes you beautiful

Not enough hours to lay in bed
Not enough tears of love and joy
Not enough wishes whispered
To satisfy my hearts burning dreams for you
Not enough words to express
Not enough paint to capture
Not enough ink to tell
The endless beauty and vibrance of the fires that burn in your heart
Not enough time
Not enough space
Not enough life
To love you
Not enough to give
Not enough to build
Not enough to share
I would give you my all
Life after life
But I would always feel that I never had enough love for a beauty such as yours

Death dances with a beautiful soul tonight
And though my face is streaked with tears of mourning
My heart will celebrate all the Lovely Things you taught me
And the life and love you gave me
When death bows and thanks you for the dance
The Lovely things will lift you high in the ever after
And make you queen of all the Lovely Things

I'll miss you mom...

All I want is too much
Too much for me to ask
Too much for you to give
I want to make you laugh
I want to make yo blush
I want to make you love
  and love and Iove
Love me for loving you
Love you for loving me
Endless circles going
Around and round
All I want is too much
Too much for me to ask
Too much for you to give
I want to steal your heart
I want you to steal mine
   in return
I want to walk hand in hand
Until we wear out our feet
Then crawl on our knees
Then slither on our bellies
Until theres nothing left of us
And we both become a part
Of this road to forever
All I want is too much
Too much of you
Your love
Your heart
Your soul
Your everything

With your pictute
Before my eyes
I did fall asleep
And in sleeping
I did dream
I dreamt you
Where here
And I
Was there
We fell into
Each others arms
It felt so real
I felt your warmth
Your voice
Your lips
Sweet scents
Filled the air
My fingers
Passing
Through your
Alluring hair
We laughed
And talked
And cried
And loved
And it seemed
To last many
A night
And days
And then
I turned
And my heart
Ached to wake
And lying still
In empty bed
I wept
And wept
Tears of joy
Pouring out
Of me
To have
Dreamt a dream
As beautiful
As you

Crazy thoughts
Mad dreams
Have I lost
My mind
Is my heart
Just a fool
How can
These feelings
Come so
Quick
Dreaming
Daily
Nightly
Can't stop
Just smile
I've gone mad
It has to be
No sane mans
Heart
Could feel
Such joy
And joy
Has infected
All of
My being
Trembling
And terrified
Such pleasure
Can't be
True
But my
Heart
Won't stop
Singing
Your name
It shouts
And shouts
Begging me
To let
It fly
To you
I have
No choice
And set
It free
Off it
Goes
Across
The sea
And warmly
I fall
Into
Crazy thoughts
Mad dreams

I crawl slowly
Into my empty bed
My mind heavy
My heart light
Dreaming of what could be
I've been falling
Too quickly
Too deep
Terrifying
Exhilaration
I can't stop my thoughts
Of you
This feeling consuming
My heart
My soul
My whole being
Has long sought
Such fire
My body
Drenched
In pure
Desire
Trembling
My hard
Flesh seeps
Life and
Love
At your
Every image
And
Every word
My hands
Shake
To write
This down
But my
Heart
Smiles
For your
Name
Falling
Falling
Fast
And
Deep

The world today... ****, what can I say... for the most part it's just one big dung pool filled with the **** and bile of humanity.  Things have gone from bad to ******* right out absurdly ******* horible.  At least here in the U.S. it has, and almost everyone just walks around like nothing is wrong.  We've turned off the fire under the Melting *** (and lets be honest, it was barely a matchbook under there in the first place... burning a single match at a time) and freed the hideous multi-headed snake of racism and bigotry.  It's embarrassing and disgusting to hear politicians spewing hate filled reterhic and then pretending that their **** filled speeches are inspired by the voice and righteousness of god.  These ******* wearing ******* are ******* on the devils **** while mumbling out their pathatic lies, claimng to have scientific fact on their side of reason.  They would rather protect the unborn spawn of ****** than the lives and hearts and minds of the women *****.  Build more prisons and invent more crimes than feed those who need food, educate our children to be better and do better, poison water for outdated resources we truthfully no longer need... and the list is nearly endless.  There are more criminals hiding in plain sight in goverment chairs than there are in our slums and dark alleys.  
In part, I envy those  that we're able to afford the luxury of suicide... Hunter, Cobain, Williams and all the other genius minds and beautiful hearts to kind and caring and passionate to take another day of watching this world sink any deeper into its own excrement.  Tired of trying to save us from own stupidity, their voices hoarse and hearts bruised, caving into the comfort of leaving this mortal coil, not able to bear watch it collapse and bury itself.  So they jumped the line, rushed to the front and flew over the edge... laughing I'm sure.
The world today... It breaks my ******* heart... Humanity as a whole?... **** IT! Long have we been capable to do better, to clean ourselves of hate,  to raise up and join hands and hearts and souls and love one another.  Instead we turn our heads, plug our ears, and hush our voices.  Letting greed and corruption **** on our dinner plates and then gobble it all down like we are nothing more than starving orphaned children.  
Is that all we are?  Blind, deaf, mute and starving children?  Willing to swallow anything placed in front of us?  Changing history books to their liking?  Placing Moses next to Jefferson,  erasing the actions and voices of King and Parks and Mandela... I wish I were lying, but in hopes of a more obedient society these same ****-wits want to stop teaching of civil disobedience.  They want our children to do nothing more than sacrifice themselves to the endless crime of war and to the gears and teeth of the machine.  Feeding and defending the crimes of the dollar while  grinding pennies into dust to make the ink they sign our paychecks with...
I don't know what else to say...  to those with the heart and the voice and the hope... Keep at it.... write, sing, scream, dance...
Love your friends, family... Raise your children to be better than we were, than we are... let them become the ones to bring about a world were compassion, empathy, and love define the success and wealth of a good life lived.

I wake with you
Lingering
Your dream still
Warm
In my bed
Your kiss still
Haunting
My mouth
Hungry
For more
Of the sweet
Taste
Of your
Love
I've never
Had
But need
More
My heart
Gone
My chest
Full
Overflowing
With
Pictures of
You
I hear
Madness
Spreading
Consuming
Me whole
Monsters
Dancing
The devil
Laughing
My soul
Sold
Without
You
My heart
Will never
Return
Home
It has
Devoted
Its beating
For you
All of
Its dreams
And
All of its
Blood
I lost it
To the
Fires
Of your
Heart
The
Compassion
That dances
In your
Words
The hypnotic
Allure of
Your voice
And
All the
Endless
Beauty
Of you

Why, why do so many people die before they ever get old?  Their hearts still beating in their chest, dust instead of blood running through their veins.  No thoughts or dreams in their heads... every movement they make is boring and repetitive, choreographed by the machine, feed by conformity, kept alive only as long as the monsters of money and big business can make a profit.  Living dead things that traded their souls for a comfortable pair of shoes and a cookie cutter life, stamped out and pre-made decisions for just the cost of the fires burning in their hearts.  Everyone so willing feasting on the foods of stupidity, lining up one by one to gorge themselves at troths of ignorance.  Self medicating nations into normalcy, inventing diseases to propagate mass hysteria and distract the idea of ever creating cures for actual illnesses.  Keeping those with gold lined pockets with more and more than they need, making sure they never fall into acts of compassion by feeding their demons of malevolence and greed.  
It's a scary ******* world.
No souls growing old, no hearts staying young... just living dead things.  The gears of the machine grinding loud and strong, quick to find and ***** out any heart still burning with fire and life.  Monsters and beasts walking among the masses, carrying  bone crushing scissors to clip any wings they might find hiding between the cracks and crevices of this ugly world they forced our fathers and mothers to build.  If they find a pair of wings they can't break or bind or crush... they drag that person kicking and screaming and throw them into the teeth of the heart of this vile world.  Slap them on the operating table and surgically transform them into hideous bats of conformity.  Such a scary ugly world to live in... All of it, the whole ****** place is drowning in bat **** crazy, with no Hunter to keep the bats and monsters in check... it's all just out of control.
We have to keep moving and running and hiding, leaving behind bread crumbs of hope for the few living left to find.  Throwing pockets full of seeds of love into the wheels and cogs and sprokets of the machine... trying to get flowers and life to bloom inside to break its gears and bring the whole thing crumbling down... All along the way, searchimg for old souls to grow young with.

You are
Breathtaking
Heart racing
Dream filling
Beautiful
And I'm mad
With love
Foaming
With lust
Raging
In oceans
Of dream
After dream
For your
Dream filling
Heart racing
Breathtaking
Beauty

The thing I like about bookstores and libraries is that the front door isn't really a door... or at least not just a door.  It's a trans-dimensional portal, a time machine, a gateway, a secret passage, a hidden staircase... all of them leading into worlds within worlds of wonder and fantasy and facts and science, some made up, some real.   Worlds of good vs. evil and dimensions where monsters and dragons are heros, times before war and planets that have never known peace.  We walk through these doors that are much more than just doors  and we find thousands upon thousands of villans and victims from unknown  cities and deserts.  Sitting on shelves waiting, just waiting for our hands and our fingers to pull them down and open up their stories and turn their pages.  Their lives eager to unfold and dance before our eyes and our minds.  Realms within realms of worlds within worlds within universes and timescapes.  Some filled with goblins and kings, beasts and queens, others demon and magic and possibilities endless.
And as if that isn't enough...we walk into history and future, fill our heads with knowledge and know how, customs and facts, lives lived and lost.  Artist tortured by their craft, celebrities killed by their name and their fame, poets and writers that traded their lives and their souls to solitude to leave us the gift of their words.  Infinite possibilities to teach and inspire ourselves to become anything our hearts can dream of.  The thing I like about bookstores and libraries is that the front door is so much more than a door, it is the first step of a journey, the first word in a book...

Why do we do it?
Why do we fall for
  The girls and the boys
   Over mountains
     Across oceans
      Through rivers
        And streams
And he loves her
  But she loves him
    And he doesn't care
     About anything but
       The silence
         And the solitude
           And the
             Word
We form triangles that
  Turn into squares that
    Make circles and
     We're all trapped in
       Roundabouts going
         Around and round
Always out of reach
  But not too far apart
   For our hearts
     To dream and
       Long and pine
         Of the possibility
And I weep for the broken
  Heart that won't break
And I die in this love
  That cannot die
And the knife in my back
  Is in my own hand
And a gun with no bullets
  Has shoot down the moon
And I'm drowning in this
   Endless breath that I
     Stole from a fool
       Who was dreaming
          Of you

I "met" someone about a week ago... A stranger living across the ocean, and something clicked or turned or fell in just the right place.  And suddenly I found myself in a place where I don't really write as much as pull words from the air around me and trap them down on paper in ink.   More of a translator of the silence than anything else.  Stories and poems and songs and even love... are all just sitting in the quite still air waiting to be noticed and felt and heard and written down.  It has all been said and done before... but now, right now, I can just hear it louder and clearer than ever before.

Another celebrity has died and we're all crying how unfair and cruel life is.  Telling 2016 to go **** itself... But maybe we should stop whining, maybe we should take this moment and appreciate how lucky we are to just be alive.  We're on a planet that happens to be just the right distance from a sun, just the right size to support life as we know it.  And if you're reading this you were the first little swimmer that shot out of your dads **** to make it to your moms eggs, congratufuckinlations on that!  Life can be great and life can be horrible and horrible can always get worse.  So every time a celebrity dies, lets stop complaining how unfair it is.  Lets be grateful they were the fastest swimmer, that they existed.  Lets be thankful we heard their music, read their books, memorized their poetry.  That we were moved by their art and craft, inspired by their work.  Death may have taken their bodies, but their music and art and souls belong to time and the world.  Celebrate and be grateful for the gifts they gave.  All of our lifes are finite, treat all your friends and family and loved ones with gratitude for just existing and being a part of your life.  None of us are safe from death, no ones life will be free of pain and sickness... mistakes will be made and hearts will be broken.  Like I said earlier, life is a circumstance of miracle and luck.  So live and learn, get hurt and grieve, love and love,  fall whenever you're lucky enough to find it... even if its with a stranger on the other side of the ocean.

Strange dreamers
Mad lovers
Crossing oceans
Stealing stars
Drinking moonlight
Killing suns
Making night
Forever ours
Silent screaming
Painful dreaming
Aching feeling
Too far
Too deep
Two hearts
Beat...
Beat..
Beating
Bleeding
Needing
Strange love
Mad dreams
Too much
Not enough
The never
Ever
Never
Is forever
Ever
Never
Mad love
Dreaming
Dreaming
Strange love

Somethings got to break
Somethings got to give
Somethings got to hurt
Somethings got to spill
Somethings got to ache
Somethings got to fall
Someone has to dream
Someone has to leave
Someone has to hope
Someone has to cry
Someone has to love
Someone has to die
Sometimes its just nothing,
Nothing at all

He woke up with his dreams still wet in his eyes.  His heart greeted him, already awake from being up painting all night long.  He got out of bed and started his usual routine, getting dressed and eating the same dull food he ate day after day.  Today though, it tasted as if it were a meal fit for a king.  He finished his breakfast, gathered his things: keys, wallet, glasses and walked outside.  The sky was moonless and the sun was still hours away.  It was dark and the air was crisp and cold against his skin, on any other day he would have grabbed a jaket,  today though, he didn't mind or even seem to notice.  As he got into his car he was smiling a wide smile.  The angel and devil that would usually be on his shoulders where replaced by the Mad Hatter and Cheshire Cat.  They whispered tales, poems, and songs of her deep beauty  and pure heart into his ears.  His heart jumped and raced with excitement as it listened. They spun stories of her every strand of hair streaked with hues and shades of red mixed with the purest colors of love.  They sang sonnets of the deep magic and wonder and oceans of her eyes.  They recited verses of her lips, as fragile and delicate as the pedals of orchids.  Lips he had never touched or kissed, lips that still somehow burned and satisfied his soul more than any other lovers touch had ever before.  He drove  down the the long road towards work, another day of the same pointless repetitive movement.  Working side by side with people who had died inside along while ago.  Mindless, mind numbing work... but he didn't care.  Not today, no today was different.  He listened as the Cat and the Hatter kept spinning yarn after yarn,  her heart and soul glowing through every word they spoke.  He drove through the darkness, his smile growing ever wider and his heart filling with warmth.

Such a beautiful mind
Such a delicate heart
Such a burning soul
What else could I do but fall
What else could I do but dream
Where else could I be than love
Such lovely eyes
Such fragile lips
Such a heavy soul
What else could I do but wish
What else could I do but want
Where else could I be than love
Such heavenly pictures
Such woeful verse
Such mad mad soul
What else could I do but long
What else could I do but cry
Where else could I be than love

Sweet love won't you stay with me
Stay here in my bed where I'm lost dreaming
Stay here under my sheets where my body aches with longing
Stay here by my lips whispering your name into my pillow
Sweet love won't you stay with me
Stay in this day where I fall into you a little deeper
Stay as the stars come out and hear them sing in envy of your beauty
Stay under this moon with me and watch the sun go down as my admiration grows ever brighter
Sweet love won't you stay with me
Stay here in my heart that beats quicker for your name
Stay here by my side and in my arms full of desire
Stay here where my soul is yours consumed by your fires
Sweet, sweet love won't you stay