Transient waves form a helpless beauty,
words are refracted and lost in the dust,
your pain is the last thing in there memory,
your heart cannot take the judgement they throw
no constellations
I am battered and cold

Holding back who I really am,
is not something that is going to come easily,
I want to be different,
but at the same time I want to be the same,
I want to love who I please
and hate who I wish to ignore,
but so it is written these things
are not songs to be sung anymore.

I scream inside my steel chamber,
and rattle the bars that have me enclosed,
tears roll down my face as I realise
my feeling must come to a stop
I cannot do this on my own
I need your help
I cry out to the sky

I feel lonely and helpless,
my tears have gone dry,
I fall down to my knees
I cannot ask for what I need
because I do not yet know what exactly it is...
I cry out to the sky again and again

all to no avail;

my blood cascades in rivers
and my heart is placid and cold,
I need not myself anymore or the demons who have overthrown me
I need a faith more relevant than the truth
I need eyes that will see what is left unseen
I need a heart that is open to be healed and made clean

I want to be your child,
your only love forever and a day more
but God, my life is a painful misery of broken sadness
how can I be good enough for you?
How can I be anywhere near what you expect
as I curse myself and scar my lungs
My breaths become thick and bloodshod
I go lame in the frost

Father, forgive me.

The endorphins fill my broken mind,
the bleeding does not cease as the relief overwhelms,
my body convulses at the touch of the knife,
but the feeling is one of medication.

My mind is sick,
only to be healed by the small droplets falling from my wrists,
my pills a mixture of pain and happiness,
my heart beats loudly and my body feels weak

nothing will stop the feeling once it has started
no one will make me wish I had never pierced my flesh
my scars tell a tale of great frustration
years of being battered and left aside

My father non existent,
his replacement would make him choke,
without him I would not have spiralled
into this deep dark pit of depression,

he was abusive by nature but that's no excuse,
he ruined me for 16 years and im still ruined now,
left for dead on the side of the highway
a life saving operation I had rather left me dead,

Coming through the other side,
has yet to happen smoothly
and as I watch his evil eyes,
I collapse , never again to open my mouth

The most romantic thing I've ever heard,
I soon realized is the only romantic thing I'd ever want to hear.
He told me he'd get me pills-
not the kind to get you going-
not the ones for fun,
no,
the ones that would save my soul.
That would stop the pain and sorrow,
the tears,
the anger,
the weight,
the terrors,
and that's when I realized,
the only being I could ever love,
is one that could save my soul.

I looked,
I looked long and hard
and shouted-
"you're ugly,
you're atrocious
you're revolting
boring
and plain
aloof
unobservant
and so, so pathetic.
You're nothing but a useless,
worthless piece of trash
My God, could you be any more sad?
Stop those tears,
Nobody cares.
It's true what they say,
you'll never be loved,
you can't even make a decision by yourself!
So many symptoms, so many ails,
stop blaming them all on your daddy issues.
So you say you wanna die?
Then do it,
what's stopping you?
praying that someone will miss you?
Well grow up, because they won't,
grow up, grow up!
older with each day
but still just a child inside,
cocooned in your ailments on a tear-stained pillow.
Stop crying,
you ***** little mutt,
why do you keep waiting for others to sew you up and fix you?
Is it because your bones are so weak
you can hardly rise in the morning?
Is all of this true?
You know it is,
My God, you are such a sad little creature."

I've said all I've needed to say,

So I step back from the mirror.