I hide it in my smile,
By the way I talk.
My words can hide the pain.
Not my eyes...
Never my eyes,
They have seen too much,
The anger,
Hate,
What destroys me.

Don't worry about me.
You may understand,
But never say you know me--
You don't,
No one can.

What do you miss? What do you want to go back for? Aren’t you sad it’s over?
Strangely (or not)
I missed nothing.
I didn’t want to turn back, only
Forward.
But wasn’t that a home you were leaving?
Home for me?
Nah,
I’ve never known a “home”
In a traditional sense.

Home for me is
Chasing rainbows
And dancing in the rain while it shines.
It is people that are real
(Not fake like the ones I come across).
It is sunsets in the afternoon,
And naming the stars at night.
Cocoa stained lips,
Hot apple cider,
Hugs and kisses,
Feeling safe but alive,
That is home to me.

Fleeting love,
Back to normal again.
Smiling:
A fitting mask for my face.
They can't tell how broken I became--
How broken I am--
Why show them?
I will heal from this eventually.
It will be okay.

Simplify, simplify, simplify,
Isn't that what the great poet told us?
To simplify our words, our loves, our meaning, our life.
Why?
Why not learn the superfluous meanings,
The constant contradiction of life?
Why add a little brown line below our words,
When we know exactly what we mean,
Our purposefully added words clarify the meaning.
Why not be the extra exclamation mark in “I can do this!!! I am made of tougher stuff!!!”
When the whole entire world is already against us,
Stop trying to change us.

Beautiful is something more than I can hold.
Could I hope to hold it?
This responsibility weighing heavy...
Trying to be something more than I am,
The perfected version of me.
Perfect? Not me, you...
I'm basking in something beautiful,
Drinking in the light that surrounds you.
Could I ever hope to come close to you?

Or will I stay in the shadows?

What destroys me
In the dead of night,
Now,
In the middle of the crowd.
Disconnected,
Ignored,
Left.
Just...
Try not to look at me too much.
Fading into the background,
Emotionally
Exhausted.
Talk? No, not for a while.
Who would want to?
To talk to me?
No. I am invisible.

And it's killing me.

Peace,
A breeze in the air,
Rain pattering down from the sky,
Painting the sidewalks a sleek grey,
Beauty in the drizzle.

People tell me who I'm suppose to be,
That isn't the genuine me,
I only show the face, the mask,
I can sculpt perfectly.

You recognized the phony
And the walls built so carefully,
How can you see, feel,
The person that is me?

All these words flying toward me,
And the lies my chi tells me,
Hurts me more, destroys,
To the point I can no longer see.

Happy,
Pure,
His little kisses are pockets of starlight in the night sky,
Or bubbles of air pointing to where the surface of the ocean is.
He is a sparkling gem,
Worth more than he knows and
Stronger than a diamond.
Long talks and kisses are
A cool gust of wind on a blistering day.

Where will this take me?
I’m terrified to let him in,
Let him see the part of me that I hate.
But I am a waterfall,
Letting my trust fall into his loyal hands,
Dropping my secrets like rain.

Am I worth the pain and cold that I tend to inflict?
He makes me believe that I am.

Does satan love the dark
Because he can hide from himself?

What is wrong with me?
I love you
Just as much as I hate myself.

Maybe--
I know I shouldn't love you anymore.
But I need someone to live for.

Still.
Have you ever wished on me?

She feels empty...
Not being able to talk about it,
For she doesn't want to hurt anyone,
To see their expressions,
Their eyes,
Change.
Left alone to wonder,
But trying hard not to think of
The terrible things she could do to herself.
She tries to live, to smile,
Holding on,
Tired.

About how
Your lies hurt more deeply
Than
The truth they hide.

I hope you know,
You are wonderful.
Watch me smile as I
Melt in your deep chocolate eyes.
Your fingers trace my lips softly,
Can you feel the smile cross my lips
As my cheek is pressed against yours?
Another mental picture taken
While in eachother’s arms.
I miss holding you so closely.

Hold me closer
My Darling Dearest
Every night
As I try not to fall apart,
But it was never your fault that
I feel sad.

The love I have for you is deeper than you can imagine.

Where is the backspace key in my life?

Almost.
Almost more than a friend.
Almost more than the moon.
Almost more than the girl sitting next to me.
Almost enough for you.

Almost felt a smile when I saw you.
Almost told you what I thought.
Almost felt tears when you walked away.
Almost.

I think I love you too much,
Or I almost do.

Colors
Dripping down, down
Mixing with the greys and greens
In your eyes.
I can see the universe…
Uni, one.
What I mean is that
You and I
Together, one,
Would make the colors in my world brighter.

Now I
                     Know
                           That you meant
                      Every word
         You said.
               Why did it
          Take me
  So long to
                    Realize I
                                              Love you too?

Don’t try to pretend that you were in my place...
The circumstances... yours weren’t mine...
being emotionally abused by the only one i felt like i could trust
who made me think he trusted me.
being sexually assaulted and then living with that FEAR.
Constant.
Pressssssssing.
learning that my temptation to cut is a need for adrenaline,
Not a need to cut the pain away.
what does cut to the core is
After I learned all of this about myself,
You let me know
“you hurt me and everyone around you”
“your tendency to lash out prevents trust”
THIS is different than depression
Even if the symptoms are similar.
I needed to trust someone who was safe then,
But no one was emotionally available for me.
Not even you.
When you sat typing on the computer and calling me annoying.
i was crying out for help.

please don’t pretend now.

They only want to understand
What life would be like
If It didn't exist.

Only to ignore if you are near.

Only to pretend to be nice
When they are only waiting for the time you
Turn around,
So they can take their poisoned knife
And slide it into your heart
From behind.

Tell the others,
Why is it that
When all is said and done,
That you will be the one that's gone.

I have forced my words
Too much.
Now they seem to turn against
Me. It can never be
The same again.

Seconds
To decide life,
Not even recognizing it is an option.
Choosing a certain way
Isn't even a choice.
Conscious minds aren't aware of the
Struggle,
A game show where only one will win.

Make the choice before it happens.

I want to give this up,
My pain,
My sins,
My hopes, dreams,
Habits, wishes,
Myself.

Just get rid of it.

But I would rather give up this desire of
Destroying the person I have become.

The one who smiles,
Is funny,
And doesn't only think of herself,
Striving for harmony and balance.


Even though life gives terrible jolts.

There was a price for friendship...

                ...In this case it was two dollars.

I would have walked home
If only I knew
How much you hate to turn around...

Would you have me
Quit and break
All the promises that
I made myself?
The promises that make me feel
Proud (for once)
Of myself?

I can tell by your shoves, that either
You want me to,
Or maybe you don't realize
What damage it will do.

Is it really love?
Is it really love if you don't realize
What damage could be done?

But you would... and you have...
Only because
You would have me...

To hate
Is to let part of your soul

*Die.

I still find it hard to speak.

Tongue is twisted,
Guts knot,
Heart aches.

How can I describe.
How would one understand,
The feeling of disintegration,
A dissipation of numbness.

Why would one want to understand?
Why you?
How can I describe...