As I discover each one,
They burn my soul.
I trusted no one,
Only friends,
But those are the ones I should be weary of.

Yet you are still one of them,
Even as I am betrayed
Even as I pray to God
To understand why
After years and years you only hide
And lie.

I promise I will forgive.


Even though you hurt me...

I'm missing you,
A warm presence,
The only time I dare to be myself.
And yet,
Better than I am
When I'm around you.

Did I walk away
Or was it you?

I'll admit it,
I was livid
When you sat next to me first.
Embarrassed as I was,
Again and again you were there,
But the more you were there the closer we got.
Now I thank my lucky stars
And God
For having you there,
Because God knew
I needed a friend
To my right.


Thank you for helping me along the way.

Were you taking to me earlier?
I have so much to say
About what I'm feeling
And how I'm doing today.
You say its not me,
But I know that is a lie,
Its me,
Not you,
But I will try
To tell you the cold hard truth.
I feel like I'm left handed,
Spinning out of control,
Or like a sinking boat,
Not knowing which way is up or down,
When I look into your ocean eyes.

Sometimes the sea is in turmoil,
Maybe I'm the reason why,
But you're one of the reasons my
Light blue eyes cry.
I know you don't mean it,
But now I won't lie:
My own ocean cries because of the thing you said
And for what you will never say.

But you were the only one
Who held my boat up,
Who plugged the holes and dried the tears,
I hope you don't regret.
I still cry,
But not because of you.
People have always been disillusioned
When navigating my ocean.
They say things they would never utter
To another human being.
Your ocean held my boat,
The others mopped it up.

So proud and grand the great trees stood
While in the forest green.
Their roots spread far across the ground
Carpeting the scene.
Not a one went deep for it was known
That the tallest was the king,
That was, until the torrents, winds,
The trials took the lead.
The old and young alike groaned loud,
And shouts of anger heard,
But one by one the proud trees fell
And could not rise again.
They put on a splendor but didn't remember
The deep roots made them strong.
They spent on display but to their dismay
The king of trees grows stronger than they.

So when the wind blows and trials ensue
Cling to the king of trees.
He will not waiver
But ever remember
To strengthen your roots as well.

The forest grows grand,
The king is the anchor.
When the wind now blows
There is only music in the leaves to be heard.

My refuge--
The world is a blur of
Colorless colors,
A kaleidoscope of what never was.
Gray has even ceased to exist.

My refuge--
I never want to be left alone,
But that's the only way I can survive.
People aren't always human,
And they destroy whatever they touch.

My refuge--
Things are never easy,
The things should be perfect now.
Whatever I try
I can't ever do.

My refuge--
A peaceful darkness surrounds.
I would rather be here than
In the kaleidoscope.
The world makes me dizzy.

My refuge--
I'm stuck in the cold again.
Crying,
Nothing is there to reach out to.
Hand holds are too slippery.

My refuge--
I am just a problem.
A horrible human,
An ugly being.
I don't mean to make them fight.

My refuge--
It's all my fault.
I can't do things right,
I will never be good.
Silence now arrests.

My refuge--
Protect me like you always do,
Calm the storm and
Give me strength
To face the world again.

Thank you--
My refuge.

The poem I would never write would tell of the sun
And the moon and
The stars,
And how the color gray
Describes everything by far.

The poem I would never write
Would be about roses
And the wind in branches and trees.

The poem I would never write
Could never be read.
You see,
The poem I would never write
Would be about the unchartable,
An unwritten world waiting to be created.
The poem I would never write
Would explain my every wish,
The desires buried deeper then the sorrow I hold.
Words would not suffice in
The poem I would never write.

I'm the
Sun patch on the grass
In a dark storm.
Here I am:
Rain and sunshine cascading down,
With you
Parting the clouds.

Once full of flight,
A feathery white,
A dove soaring through the clouds--
Caught in a storm,
A tempest trying to drown,
Unable to withstand it.
Now sinking to rock bottom,
The storm twisting the wind,
Gnarling the feathers,
Breaking the wings,
Dimming the white into gray.

Though I am unable
To fly like I once did,
I'm learning that birds don't need wings--
They only need to find their song.

Empty words fill
Empty spaces,
Wasting our time and
Using our efforts to
Impress an empty audience.
The words are normal,
Effortless,
Sleepy.
Tedious and tensionless
They sweep the imaginary landscape:
Wasteland.
They speak with easy access to
Shallow hearts.
Slight stabs hold no pain--
The blade is too dull.
This bore sickens me;
These words hold no pull.
Goalless structure has
No gold.
Wasted breath on nothing.

Now change:
We are the words that make life worth it...
                    ...Poets.

I can't grasp it,
Nor hold on to meaning.
It feels like random words,
Scattered letters,
Holding no substance
When spoken to me.

Even you don't know my fears,
Sometimes I don't.
I try to hide them from myself,
But they just eat
Eat
EAT
On my insides,
Begging my attention,
Boiling in my acidic blood,
Screaming in my ears,
My mind,
I'm growing numb to my surroundings,
Dissolving into my own background,
Yet it still
Eats,
Burning holes in my heart,
The soles of my shoes
Wearing thin as I try to run from it
Only to return
Again.

Everybody does it.

I could never dream
Without wondering what someone else was dreaming.

I cannot speak
Without hesitating at another's thoughts.

You ask me what I'm afraid of.
Maybe it is
Bullies,
Offenders,
Liars.
Maybe I'm afraid I'm seen that way.
Maybe I'm afraid of what they say,
What they'll do,
What it will mean.
As to my fears escalating,
I'm more convinced
The world is a better place when I hide in my room.
Their opinions will change the world.
I don't want to be changed.
I don't want to be told
Or to be scoffed at.

I fear
         Judgment.

In the silent clouds,
A dream-like story is told.
Like a river of silver,
A heart of love can travel the world.
In the blink of an eye,
The moon blushes as the sky fades to gray.
The dark of life now
Alive in starlight.

In the silent clouds,
A promise is waiting.
Sway away to the masked music,
Feel the soft petals falling faster
Than my trust forgotten.

In the silent clouds,
Shoot my wings with misery and heartbreak.
Frozen imaginings plummet from the sky,
Simple tears slip silently away.

I've never fell so hard or fast,
You were my perfection.
Even if you made mistakes
To always tried to right them.
I remember you trying to replace the things stolen,
And stop the robbery from happening,
I can see you holding my hand
As I doodled on your back,
I could sense your listening ears
When I told you we should wait,
And I could hear you pounding on the door
When the nightmares were too great.

I was in an evil place,
But you taught me to live.
I do not remember it all,
But I hope I had no regrets.

In this nightmare--
The one you can't save me from,
A feeling of dark--
Nay,
I was the dark,
And I wanted to die.

I was on the verge of nothing anyway
Because They control everything.
Even if I lived like a princess,
Even if I looked like a princess,
I was nothing.
My parents were taken from me,
So was my privacy.
And I bet all the friends I made
Weren't there to set me free.
You weren't controlled--
Except by love for me.
I hope it's everlasting so
Come find me now--
I'll keep my promise,
But my nightmares are too much.

I can no longer hear you pounding at the locked metal door.

Sitting,
Hiding,
In plain sight,
A mask covering my face,
The mask just below most's pool of thought.
Who am I to say
That I'm the only one
Drowning,
Struggling for breath past
Thick lies the world tell me?
Lies I believe--
Ones I tell myself.

Yet most never wonder.
Don't care that others cut,
Find escape in the pain from the shame.
I find release in this.
Most never wonder.
Dancing on their merry way,
Damning those who are called depressed,
"No consequence for us, why care?"

Ones like me,
Masks of smiles, masking pain,
The ones who were taught to believe
They were never worth loving.

Why?
Why believe the lies they tell you,
Ones that you tell yourself?

You are better than they,
If only because you understand.

One shot is heard.
Two men glance at each other knowing only one would make it.
Three guards at the door,
Restraining four crying children.
Five women-- mothers and wives mourn nearby,
Six laws were broken,
Seven things stolen,
Eight minutes were spent to make
Nine years worth nothing now.
Ten seconds to say goodbye.

I smile.
I know I've seen you before.
Before this trouble started.
Before I wept in pain.
Before I saw you day-dreaming.
Long before we met.
I saw you,
I know you!

I remember it like
Clouded crystal,
Clearer in the remembering,
Than in the veiled details hidden anew.
You were there--
So was my prince.
The darker was upset,
Grieved because soon, too soon,
I would be away.
The lighter made a promise--
A promise he could keep.

I know you wouldn't remember,
I know you might forget now,
But you made a promise,
A promise to me,
A promise to him.
You will protect,
Treasure,
Honor.
You will be a light.
You will be my knight.
You will be my friend eternal.

What is time?

Ya,
I know time is a unit of measure,
A way to compare events in the universe,
A how to why things happen,

But truthfully,
                          What is it
                                            And will you last through it all?

Do you stare a little too long or
Tease a little too much?
Do you like me?
Could you love me?

Or do you never think of me?

A picture is worth a thousand words:








You're a library.

Misunderstood.

I asked,
Not for you.
A question that tore this apart,
An answer could have saved this heart.

I was decided against.

Why didn't I know what to ask?
Why didn't I know not to ask?
STUPIDITY.

In the world,
I am a dreamer,
Torn between what I was,
And what I will never be.
Being "nice" or "beautiful,"
But is beauty all that matters?

I don't feel it:
No beauty,
No intelligence,
No worth.
Wanted:
The only thing I can never be.


Later...
You took back a word.
You claimed you lied.
Which one?
Was it the promise or the answer?
Or is it a false apology?

Flawless my acting was,
Against everything I felt that day.
The pieces of my heart are small,
And it will never amount to enough.
Hopeless when a friendship turns bitter--

--I shouldn't have asked.
I should have been more introverted.
I should not have relied on my instincts.


The wind blows,
Teasing my hair
And drying my tears,
But all I think about is lost...

...Was your answer the lie?

Just another day.

Weeks have gone by with me in this funk.
Don't know what I'm doing.
Don't know where I'm going wrong.
Waking up is worse than falling asleep.
Nightmares next to my patient husband.
Drained more than I started with.
Cannot remember what went on.
Days and days, just another day.

Just another.

Just...

A speckled light,
Unknown,
But more known than the secrets buried deep.
Most people look only on the outside:
A dim glow,
Scars, gashed across while
Other's footprints on the surface.
What is really of worth,
Trapped in the night sky?

The more I look up at you,
The more I realize,
It is forgotten,
The beauty fading,
The memories erased.
How I long to leave this place,
But only to join others that
Are like the two of us.

Tell me something
Guardian of the sky,
Do you dream like I do?

It burns-- Immensely
     Unclear why the pain is so bad.
Why does it feel this way--
     Locked up but
The treasurer owns nothing,
     Feeling the weight of
Other's unknown thoughts--
     The new pain
Mixes with the old,
     Devouring all in an
Unchanging harmony of this life.

My dear Faithful Husband
I hope you know
My goal is to never take you for granted
I cherish you always
I love your scent and your smile
You make me happy
Your arms keep me warm and safe
Protected when you are near
I love you my darling dearest
With every breath I take and beyond

"Please."

She choked the word out,
Stammering,
Tears dripping down her face,
Streaking her makeup down her face.
Pleading,
Crying.

But.
Her cries landed on deaf ears,
The words sliding off of his turned head.
Just like Lucifer,
The name he had before was misleading.

Prince,
He once was.
Now he is a servant--
A servant to the lowest serpent.

I miss you.

Not in the physical kind of way,
You are still here--
I can reach out and touch you now.

But things are different now.
Now all I do is
Drag
Drag
Drag behind you,
You even forgot I was here.

We use to talk,
Walking to our classes,
Sometimes passing them,
Lost,
Not physically,
But in deep conversations,
Where our words were equals,
Even if we weren't.

Now we hardly say "hello,"
Sitting next to you,
Your presence is comforting,
Your silence is not.
Being near you makes me miss you more.

Do you ever miss me too?

I can't tell you everything.
                                                     ­                           But you should be able to
                                                              ­                  Tell me
                                                                ­                Anything!
No. Not this.
People see me as an annoyance anyway,
Bothersome.
Weird.
I'm sorry you met me.
                                                             ­                   Tell me.
Why?
No I can't.
You hate when I talk to you,
Honest and open,
Claiming my opinions are a product of
My childhood.
Maybe, but I think not.
You've never walked where I stood.
                                                          ­                      Please
I don't want to,
But I will.
                                                           ­                     ...
You think I react like everyone else
You know.
But I don't. I can't.
Because I feel their pain--
YOUR pain too.
I know it sounds crazy, but I know
More than I should, and feel
What never happened to me.
I'm going crazy huh?
                                                            ­                    That's it? That's stupid.
                                                        ­                        Every time you only ever
                                                           ­                     Hide...
                                  ­                                              I'm going to drink now.
I hate me...sorry you need to put up with me.

It's cold inside.
Shifting my gaze and again the question--
"How are you?"
Smile--
A lie--
Though I've never felt so empty.
You didn't bother to stop and hear.
Tired.
Retorting, you say to sleep.
Truth: insomnia, stress, anxiety.
It's all the same.
What was I ever to start out as?
Now a forgotten tear in a notebook.
All I wanted was to have a friend--
You?
Ignored in passing conversation,
Unheard,
Unseen,
Struggling under a load twice my weight...
Yet I smile.
You thought me as the happiest person--
I was never happy-go-lucky.
I was just a girl
In a struggle,
With too much pride and many lies
To feed the rest of humanity.
How am I?
It's cold inside.

It's kind of hard to explain
The feeling you are
Trapped
In a black hole
With nowhere to go and
Seemingly no one to pull you out.
Yet others are there,
Testing their strength in the great current,
Alone in their endeavors,
Pretending they can help you,
But can't give a reason why they would.

Liars--
They create this swirling black current--
A hole in this heart.
The beat is becoming irregular
As I don't know how to trust.
It pulls me closer,
Surrendering to the depth of pain:
I've been here too long to escape.
I could become one of them--
Become the current.

Give me a reason why I shouldn't.

Concentration on the cake I was mixing
Annoyance that the doorbell rang
Frustration that security camera wasn’t working
Exasperation at who I thought was a salesman
Suprised as I pulled the door open
Confused as I stood there gazing at you
Loved as I lept into your arms
Peace.

I feel like I
Love the idea
Of being in love.

I can't call this love,
But I want to.
I want to hold a fragile heart,
A gift,
For me to treasure.

Some say I'm a gem,
Sparkly in the light,
But I know in the end
I'm just a rock--
Not anyone's crown jewel.

Maybe if I knew what love was.

Maybe if I didn't love my dreams
More than reality.

Hold me tight,
My guardian,
The Angel that God sent to meet me.
Honest, gentle one,
With your warm smiles and
Caressing lips.
Will you let me have your heart forever?
Handsome Prince
The man I trust,
How can you convince me that
This isn’t a dream?

I love you.

Smiling has never been easier because I can remember how it feels to be in your arms.
And I know you are like me:
You want to have this love forever.
I am found. :)

There were only thorns waiting for me.
Every lie,
I saw everything in
Crystal clear water.
I may be the broken one--
Still,
I know what I am not.
There is no way to mend what
You have broken--
Can you trust me?
But I can't say the same for you.

I lingered too close to the edge
Of an abyss.
I know who pushed me--
And I'm still waiting for the impact
Of the bottom.

Alone in the dark I stand
And wait,
Arms spread as if
An eagle's fate
Hung in the balance of
Good and great.
My body grows harder
As my limbs grow taughter,
Twisted roots and leaves
Fending for a mercenary's daughter.
I stand, still waiting,
Only the wind is controlling me--
A warm breathing or
Harsh wording
Can destroy my grandeur.

If I was gone,
Would the wind lose some power?
If there was nothing to shape,
Would the wind lose its strength?

Drown out my own thoughts
With music and pain--
I can't stand myself.
Being the monster inside of my head
Has changed my perspective.

Never was I kind, good, beautiful.
Selfish-- yes.
How could I expect to be anything else?
Ugly to the core,
Scared of what others thought of me.
I needn't to...
They never thought of me.

I was only a pretty face to talk to
When everyone else was missing.
Never belonging anywhere,
Absorbed by the background,
Hiding from my memories,
The happy ones that could take me from this misery,
But those things happened too long ago to

Help.

I need you,
My mind is screaming,
The monster is winning,
I am becoming nothing but
Dust.

I can feel my eyes grow dull
With every pain I see.
******,
Heartbreak,
Lies.
They wound the heart and
Change the mind.
Every decision,
Every choice people around us make
Effect the blind world each of us
Partake in everyday of our lives.
Change is a constant.
More is the focus.
Better are the drugs that eat at our centers
Bigger are the lies of normal.
The heart is now a science experiment:
How can we change the way
People think about
Themselves?
Others?
Death?
******?
Marriage?
****?
I mean, don't we watch it for
Entertainment?
Do we engage in it on
Weekends?
Is it actually something that matters?
People watch it,
They laugh at the pain,
The heartbreak,
The bloodshed.
How is genocide,
War,
Divorce funny?
There is no respect given
To people who stand up to
The blind world of today.
Because it is blind,
It can't see the difference between
Humor and disaster.

Alone in the Empty night.

The tears flow down slowly at first,
Resolving into a waterfall.
Uncontrollable fears, icy cold current,
Dragging down to
Unrelinquished pressure.
Sopping wet boots,
Suctioned to numb toes and feet,
A weight that won't let go.
Reaching up...
But there's no purchase on the
Slime filmed rocks.

Tortured... Drowned.

...it hurts...
This pain,
Gnawing on my insides.
How long?
Memories...
They plague my thoughts.
Can't get away from what they said.
My tormentors,
Those bullies...
help...
They laugh and scream and jeer.
Why do you still play with dolls?
Why can't you do anything right?
Don't you have any friends?
Inadequate is what I am,
Broken,
Destroyed.

All I need is a spark of hope.

You brush aside the thought,
And the tear forming in the corner of your eye.
Lost.
Alone.
Confused.
You think of other, more harsh words to
Describe your pain caused by anguish--
******.
A sudden intake of breath makes
A soft noise in the pressing darkness.
Yes.
There is power in words you tamper with,
A power with no force,
Or selfishness or greed.
No,
These words give a concept
To what you are--

Without a place.

It’s just like
Lemons.
That’s what they say the world is made of.
It is our choice to remain sour
Burdened by our mistakes, trials, sins.
Or to sugar-coat it all with our lies,
Being very good at ignoring truth we don’t like,
And have a lemon drop.
Move on, move on, move on
Past what we know is right,
Distract us from the sour and the bitter and the pain.

In this fast paced world,
There is no time for lemonade.

It’s too long to
Hand squeeze all the citrus,
Add the sugar,
Boil it, and then let it cool,
Adding ice and water
To make it less concentrated.
Perfect summer day treat.
No one but the
Old-timers have time to make it.

Good thing I am old fashioned.
I will make time to have lemonade.

Will nothing change?
I'm still thinking of you,
Do I love you?
I can't decide.

Even though you hurt me,
Destroyed me,
Befriended me.

Loved me?