during this moment,
during this time
i feel hopeless,
but i cant cry

all im waiting
on is time
ive been waiting
all this time

for the saving,
im craving
restoration
of my *** drive

exploration
so i can thrive
in the saving
of my life

and caving
of the crime

for the saving,
im craving
restoration
of my *** drive

and blaming
anti-aging
young,
and forever alive
all i
ever
wanna do
is live and thrive

for the saving,
im craving
restoration
of my *** drive

for me,
things are getting real low,
things are getting real low
i bleed
and i'm going real slow,
and i'm going real slow

it's strange
i randomly pictured your face,
your hair, your eyes, your waist
and then hid a little story i made

my feelings grew
as i made it public
i took it back
it can't be published

every time i go
you aren't around
need you to hold
me safe and sound

i just need to see you
i lost faith in my ex,
and i'm never having ***
my mind is too complex

i just need to see you
it's a false kind of love
i don't know how i feel,
don't know how to deal with girls

am i romanticizing cause of the trauma?
no, it's real, it's really really real
my mind denies it
all the attention

my ego likes it
but i hate it
acting like
i really do

want you to be my girlfriend
it's like
true and false
only when i'm far away

but when i write little notes
in the books that i give
and you do a mousey stare
the memories feel

as if im falling in love
although it wasnt there
bought to the surface
now with different eyes

on me
different eyes on me
i don't know, ****,
all i know

is that
i need
somebody
and these things
are
appearing to me

for me,
things are getting real low,
things are getting real low

i bleed
and i'm going real slow,
and i'm going real slow

i need
to see you now though
to see you now though

i always think about you
how much you hurt me
and make me feel lost
if im your friend
dont flirt with me
or lead me on
or try to have *** with me
and just heal me
because i'm broken
and i need you

id be very sad
usually
if i were your friend
because i cant touch you
or kiss you
or hold you like i want to
or tell you ***** things
the "i love you"'s would be different
more mellow
more sad
and definitely inside
of an unfriendly way
if you were dating someone
i'd be worried for her
or him
because of your history with me
i'd be jealous
but have to put on a big show
that you didnt drill
a massive hole in my heart
and pretend that that hole
isnt still bleeding
where my heart once was

if we were friends
it'd just be constantly pretending
until i can't take it no more
just shoving down all my love for you

i'd grow distant
and a bit cold
and just cry and cry and cry
crashing down
after those cheerful smiles
and delighted gestures

if we went out
together
it would feel like a date
and i'd blush

i'd get
little bursts of joy
even while
im choking in misery
from you
holding me back
from me
trying to protect my boundaries
i can't trust you
either way
but at least
i'll have someone to talk to

all our conversations
would feel phony
and fake.
i'd be dead
with no life to me
having to act like
i don't love you
like you didn't abuse me
or hurt me
or break my heart one thousand times
a gazilliontrillionkillion times
like you didnt abandon me
time and time again
and leave me lonely
and broken
and gaslight me

if you cut
for every tear i cried
you'd be dead
instantly
i've cried at least a pool
at this point.

i've moaned
day and night
overconsumed by pain
by the void you left
it opens up
when i try to go to sleep
and shuts down
when im working during the day

i guess i am your "friend"
this must be how you treat them
i shouldnt be friends
with someone
who treats me like this
but im so addicted to you
and cant stand being alone
because the truth is
i'd be in pain either way
just waiting
for your love to heal me
but it never will
all your love is so fake
just like our friendship

if we were friends
could you attend to my needs
to make it work?
could you sooth the suffering
that you have caused me?

or do you want me to fake everything
and act like everythings fine?
like this **** is normal
i cant do that anymore

its going to be awkward for you
being friends
with a victim of your abuse
watching me
be sad all the time
taking me through
my healing journey
sitting right next to you
not being able to do what i want

its almost as if
we'd both be denying
that we love each other.
that we want something more

but i'm just
your friend
turned *** toy,
right?

there's no inbetween with you
it disgusts me

are they all like this?
seems that way

but after most men use and abuse me
they don't keep coming back
and trying to save our ******* relationship

you
are an outlier
you're weird

i left you
and can't seem to leave you alone
i said
a bunch of ******* lies
to not hurt your feelings
i change on a whim
this borderline ****

im the one
who is now
reopening closed doors
im the one saying
"lets be friends"

most of the time
it was me
who couldnt leave you alone
now giving you the opportunity
to do the same thing
all over again

i just need you..

but it seems like
i dont realize that
if you're doing the same thing over and over again,
what am i doing?

the exact same thing
i guess
we both need each other
but want different things
i keep trying to make you love me
you keep trying to use me and keep me at a distance
and we both keep going back

it was me this time
so now all you have to do
is just ignore me

and dont email me
and dont text or call my number

cause god knows
this **** is going to happen
all over again

so just let me talk to myself
and suffer in peace

you shouldve never dated me
or told me you loved me
you ruined our friendship
you cant get that back

besides that
you're an ******* anyway

this is all your ******* fault

here i go again,
becoming more like
the author

of that that book
its 10 30
and my eyes are strained
i hung out
with crazy people online

i don't even have my own place
i don't wanna work

someone joined
with the same name as you
i thought
a bit more positive today
positive over negative

i could never
have *** with you
without falling in love
i always
imagine it
so intense

i hate this world
i wish i was never born into it.
i don't ever wanna come back
it's not beautiful
it's not amazing
it's not magical

i cant escape the misery
and im not abby geni
or rather
miranda

im tired

Something inside me is there, but can not speak. It feels weird when I smile.

I can't laugh. I can't express my anger.

When someone is making me uncomfortable, sexually harassing me with their eyes, I can't not react. I can not open up to other people. I can not speak when angry. I can not express my frustration. I can not show shame or embarrassment. I can not cry. I can not tell anyone what happens in my life. The bad thoughts and memories pull me and weigh me down.

Maybe I should try to speak. Even if it doesn't feel right. Even if I explode with anger.

I think I am de-compensating

whats left to say
when its all over
this is the end
like it was before
nothing left
but i did try
and at this point
when i've given up
is the exact time
you'd be coming back
when i stayed up all night from grief,
and let it come into me
when i felt like i was at the end
and didn't hold on, or didn't pretend
when i let the sadness in my blood
crashing down like a wave
and let my thoughts fill the page
as if you were at your last stage
write to you like its a death
after all, i wouldnt know
you couldve killed yourself.
and all i could do is let it go
i'd always be sad and alone
having you in my head
as the little angel that ruined my life
but chose to be with me instead.

i just learned
the world is loveless
i just burned
away my heart.

know i now
men can't be trusted
i detached my soul
and tore it apart.

i am red,
from the inside out.
i am guts,
and i am gore.

i could show
you how i'm so twisted,
would you want to see?
I'm not too sure.

oh, i know
i walk a thin line
my pretty feet
have scars that are red

stupid wars
that i fought for
and nearly
ended up dead

i have died
deep on the inside
following a plan
that doesn't work

i have lead
a full-fledged army
into a pit
of lifeless dirt

i'm a psychopath
cause i died alone
and my instincts
are pure animal

even if it's self-sabotage,
i think that's just a mirage
these men simply massage
the beast within

you think you know who i am,
but that's just a grain of sand,
all the knowledge you have
is puny and thin

i'm an animal too
we all are

i
don't wanna tell you i love you anymore.

it goes
through one ear out the other.

i never
wanna tell you
because
you've heard it
so many times
and each time
love
meant nothing to you

i want you
to always
feel
how i feel
but i
can't make you love me

does love
make you afraid?

clearly,
it does
because
you constantly have
to lie to me
and try to
manipulate me

im so sick
of these ******* words
going through my head
the same
buzzwords

i really, really do
but i might as well be telling you
that brick walls are red,
grass is green,
and the sky is blue.

and the waters shallow,
but my tears are clear
and my hearts' so hollow,
i could disappear

no pill to swallow
the truth is cold
i have no one to guide me
and no hand to hold

fill me with distractions
work hard is all i do
i'll just be a fragment
of someone they never knew

all my love is leaking
all my hate is fresh
god please just take me
all i am is flesh

oh my heart is aching
and my eyes are sore
there will never be a point in time
where i can't cry no more

i must've cried oceans
i must've cried shores
i must've cried all my life
what it has amounted to, i'm not sure

all my mind is dreaming
oh it's all that's left
for my life is leaving
nothing but emptiness

and my soul is weaning
on my dying breaths
i'm so young biologically
with pain and emptiness
nothing but emptiness

I'm in my little corner
looking at your shadow
holding a red balloon
and standing perfectly still

In my little corner
looking out the window
waiting like a spider
waiting right at the window sill

I, won't bite too deep
I, won't bite too hard
I'll just rip your head off,
I'll just tear you apart

I'll just corrode your mind
I'll just break your heart,
I'll just your rip your head off
I'll just tear you apart

It's a mirror,
it's a reflection,
it's karma,
it's gone

your eyes and
your body
they glimmer
they've shone

shown theirselves
in my peripheal vision
I feel it
it's real

your humor
your pale lips
on my stomach
I feel it

Oh, oh, I, won't bite too deep
Oh, oh, I, won't bite too hard
I'll just rip your head off,
I'll just tear you apart

I wanna sink and swim
in you like a painting
of a japenese ocean
I wanna rock and grind with you,
******* in ****** motions
I wanna drown and sway with you
like tall cat tail grasses
I want my tongue in your mouth,
it'll taste like molsasses
and we'll go slow like molasses,
and we can see whose the fastest,
who the last is, who lasts the longest
whose the weakest, whose the strongest
who will be first to forgive?

And I, won't bite too deep
I, won't bite too hard
I'll just rip your head off,
I'll just tear you apart

I'll just corrode your mind
I'll just break your heart,
I'll just your rip your head off
I'll just tear you apart

looking back
at all the things i wrote
now that ive started
to pretend that youre readying my "poems"

you can tell i have mood swings
that my thoughts, feelings, and ideas change a lot
even after all this *******
your ugly *** put me through

****
sometimes
i still wish
you were lying next to me
even though i hate you
its little blissful moments like this
i just want to touch you

all you want is *** from me...
you disgust me

"thats not all i want!"

then why dont you ******* act like it?

you're incapable.

ive been abused my whole life
i dont want to meditate
i dont want to have *** with spirits
i dont want to imagine having love
stop telling me my mom "loved" me
after the hell she put me through
you, blaming everything on me
******* up my mind
you dont understand me
sending me stupid hug emojis

keep wondering why i blocked you
stupid *****
i wish we never met

cause youre gaslighting me
making it look like all my pain was nothing
i am sick of this "spiritual" ****
this **** is unrealistic

i ******* hate you shafari.

i did message you
but you took so long to respond
i am too afraid..

after four years
to risk you hurting me...

its not only you
whose afraid of being hated.

rejected
i am afraid
you hate me too

or something like that.

I just want them to stop gaslighting me.

Life is a crushing void,
an emptiness on my mind.
The loneliness fills me
and completes me,
so much to the point
I don't even need to
commit suicide.

You,
are
a black light
in the distance
I just
want you
to run your fingers
through my well of tears
and actually see me
beyond
the shells
I grew over time.

You can't tell
but when
you love me
through words
you don't
directly say it,
it subtly
makes my soul
so happy.

Like God,
I give you
so many tests
and I thought
you passed them all
before your disappeared.

I write
my "greatest"
works
when I am in love.

I fall so easily,
trying to fight
against the strong currents
before
they roar
and crash onto me.

I suffer
in silence
holding back
the tears
and ****** screams
built up
behind my throat.

The feeling
of being
over consumed
by the pain
every day

****
a
dark cloud
with
malevolent intentions
lingering
over
my head
i say
i love you
but i know
my self
has bad intent.

sometimes
i
dont feel
like
hiding
at
all

sometimes
i
like medi
tating
but
i
still
fall

back into bliss,
back into eclipse,
something in the air
puts me down

i get surround
when i get around
apocalypse is here
this is how it feels

empty
something
bad days
good nights
empty
and tight
bored days
good nights

sometimes
sometimes
bad days
good night
sometime
sometime
bad day
good night

click-clack,
that's the sound my teeth
i grind up my gums when i sleep
my head aches, i imagine music
that bass beat hits my brain deep
the scenes in my head are ******
the pain from the past is muddy
i can't hear my heart, it's faint,
i think i might just be cold-blooded.

there's no difference, adult and child
something in me has had enough
i don't want to smile in public.
i don't really gotta act tough
everything i say is a fact
i ain't never really gotta ******' act

what's **** to me is skeleton and bone
i cry and think dark thoughts when i'm alone
i'm not heartless, but i'm sure as hell
that i can make my heart turn to stone.

i don't lie, i tell the truth
as blunt as a dull blade can be
my anger is wild and tame
but that's something people can't see
i want to explode but i can't
the pressure is constantly high

it's why i always think about blowing my lid off
but i never really did try.

Does anybody love me
in a way that I like?

When will I ever be
anybody's type

Love is such a joke
all the guys say

Oh how I wish I was dead
I'm so ******* in the head

I feel worthless and weak
after all you did to me

I just read a book. I learned that humans are animals. Animals with a bit of enhances features, like memory. He never remembered everything he put me through. He abused me and lied to me on purpose, but it also wasn't on purpose. He didn't care that I was 14. He probably forgot. He already blocks tons of other **** out his mind. Some random black girl was no different. I don't really feel like I ever meant much to anyone. Now that I know the truth about men, was he really conscious? Was he really conscious and deliberate, when he lied to me, and manipulated me, and took advantage of me? Or was it just another day, to black out afterwards? To black out after I was yet again blocked.

Humans have memories. I've (not on purpose) trained my mind to remember every negative thing that happened to me. I remember it all. I remember the crying, posting tons of poems screaming at him, wishing he would come back. The grief and mourning, the loss. I have a "big picture" kind of memory, details are blurry, but they are there. It's as if I remember things in distant screenshots. Visible but not visible at the same time.

What is human nature?

It irritated you when I kept reaching out. When I kept coming back. You didn't seem to react to me wanting you to love me. To the crashing out. To the mood swings. You made crude comments and responses. Always ******. You never reacted. You never seemed to care. Your apologies are fake. You never change. You ruined my life.

Does no one notice that I stay in my room all day? They didn't care when I started failing school. I usually don't have an expression on my face. I don't go outside much sometimes. I'm always monotone, like that's not ******* normal, considering all I've been through. You think I'm monotone on ******* purpose? *******

I guess it changed you when you did read all my "poems," all just a cry for help. Just screaming. Just angry and miserable all the time. It was all building up within me. I had no friends. I had no one. All I knew is that you ruined my life and I hated you. It burned inside of me. I still remember everything. I don't know how I could forget. Maybe if I forgot, I would be ******* happy.

I'm lost. I have mood swings. I have borderline personality disorder. Sometimes I'm happy. My *** is bad. I get suicidal during ***. But my period is fine.

Most of the time I'm disconnected from my body. Sometimes I want to take over you. To just make you mine. Most of the time I'm stuck in la-la land. Fantasizing about love. Other times, like now, I snap back to reality. That the world is dark and cruel and there is no love. That I'm stuck in my parents house and don't have a job. That I can't change the past. I can't do anything about all those men who abused me. I can't do ****. It just floats around inside my ******* head.

Life is alone. Life is silent. All people can say is "I'm sorry." Because that's all they can ******* be. Just sorry. Just pitying me and looking down on me. Congratulating me for being "strong," like that means anything. Everyone just makes me feel angry.

Life is silent. It doesn't give a ****. God is dead. He won't save us. He won't save me. He'll just throw me little gifts here and there to distract me from my pain. But he won't solve anything. I'll just wait 30 years for karma to hit them. I'm supposed to be happy with that ****.

I don't like being around men. I constantly avoid them in public, unless it's a guy I like. I don't trust people. I always assume they have a malicious intent. I read every action. Pay attention to words. To their eyes. I just want to shove my face into a grater. I don't wanna attract anyone or be pretty. I want to look how I look on the inside: ugly and broken and unlovable.

I can't get into a relationship anymore. Everything just hurts. They all break my heart, and labels are foggy. *** is me just being used. I can't have anyone I want. I busy myself with work. I am sad. I feel worthless. I wish I were dead. Instead of having to live amongst a bunch of weird animals.

But I don't want to be a persona. Or an alternate. I kind of want to have my own name I was given. I want to be myself again. It is scary, anxiety inducing, like I'm constantly being stalked.

But I want to be me.

And just like an animal, It's normal. I avoid men. I stay alone. I don't date. I'm never having ***. Animals stay away from things that cause them pain. Animals bury it down deep and focus on the next thing. Animals don't live. They survive.

wanna go hard, wanna go fast
but I also want my love to last
living in the future, stuck in the past
guess it's time for me to put you on blast

shouting your name
playing games,
little games inside my head

shooting out brains,
going insane
I should just **** you instead

I bathe in blight,
don't say goodbye, love
Kiss me goodnight

I could kiss you forever
in any kind of weather
you ******* away
more than a hurricane

you're a natural disaster,
an actual stress
make me feel, and go high
and make me depressed

bless me with your love
you try to avoid it
I don't give a ****
give me your love

Some people remind me of you
Im writing on my phone
i just got finished making wudu

i feel calm now
Maybe its my period
im acting like the girl
out the book
Who writes to her dead mom

you're not dead
Hopefully
hopefully not after i told you to
so many times

i dont regret a thing
but if you werent dead
id never know
Hopefully youre reading every word i said

You never listen.
You never listen at all.
You never change.

God i want you
So bad

wish you were in my bed
you said you always think about me
Not anymore, huh?

well i think about you

Why didnt you delete your alt account?

I just wanna talk to you.
Go crazy everyday
what else do i have?

Nothing.

and you read everything i write,
But still never listen to me.

I can write to you for centuries
Maybe just
Create an entire account for it

I just wanna talk to you.

Go crazy everyday

what else do i have?

Nothing.

and you read everything i write,
But still never listen to me.

in the most
pristine of moments
i look over my shoulder
in a giant ocean
hoping to see
your gleaming pale face
smile at me

and kiss me
im clearly
not the one you want
and you're
put too high
on a pedestal
in my mind

you kind of
disgust me
or rather
i disgust myself
knowing i know
i let the ugliest
most insecure men
get into my heart
and see parts of me
i dared to show no one.

and even came close
to letting them inside me
just to take advantage
of the fact
that i want to be loved.

all i see
in the mirror
is a little *****
and all i feel
is sadness

I don't think
you ever realized
nor did I,
that after
every time
you used me,
you insulted me,
you mocked me,
you abused me,
after every time
you ignored me
and hurt me
and broke my heart
you manipulated me
after every single
******* time
you tried to call me
your ******* friend
afterwards
you never thought
that I'd turn around
and attempt
to try to ******* **** you.

If you were dead,
I'd feel relived
yet I'd be saddened
by the fact
that I can't feel
your miserable
worthless flesh
with more pain
and misery
and regret.

I have absolutely
no sympathy for you.
I'm cold
I feel nothing
I'm ruined
I'm destroyed
I'm violent

i just put an hour and 17 minutes into work
40 minutes hacking
57 minutes coding
40 minutes doing math

why do ***** thoughts
of me ******* you
randomly take over my mind?

everyday, i'm getting older
i feel less alive
and the days are getting colder
even in the summertime
ghosts upon my shoulder
i can't hear what they say
i have so much potential
i feel nothing but pain

nothing matters now
my world is upside down
i just want to give up
i'm already know i'm ******

pushing through it all
what's even the point?
it's a long tunnel
and nothing's at the end
nothing but death
take away my breath
because i barely breathe
i'm just a waste

all i want
is a release
the after life
a little taste