The pain begins tonight,
unimaginable torture of my own mental design,
   left under an imaginary starry sky,
    warm desert breeze, smell of rotten pine.
       my melancholy turns in your hand,
          lift me up, raise me up,
             help me become stronger.
                Let the sun, drip and fill the honey in my eye.
                   & take me out of this darkness.
                           𝓈𝒶𝓋𝑒 𝓂𝑒, 𝒽𝑒𝓁𝓅 𝓂𝑒 𝓇𝒾𝓈𝑒

Endless blue,
sweet endless blue. . .
salt in the air, waves wave "hello"
tranquil cloudlessness, driving down the "American road"
Singing the blues.

10 fingers intertwine,
morning coffee on the breath.
no need to ask,
for deep down,
" I love you" flashes on the imaginary marquee. .  .

Grey,
endless dreariness. .
The smell of rain and mildew in the air. . .
the sheets, yell "goodnight"
Tranquil silence, staying in "our home"
feeling so blue. . .

2 heartbeat diverge and become 1,
morning sunlight through dusty blinds,
no need to ask,
for deep down,
I know you are gone. .  .

-2 ʜᴇᴀʀᴛʙᴇᴀᴛꜱ

Inside my mundane complexion
constant tides and angry currents stir,
it bites and claws at my insides,
hoping, pleading, to form the words
for him to notice how much he means to me.
But another voice, internal screams out.
Even though ages have passed,
flesh has turned to dust,
my heart is yours,
my mind is yours,
my brain is yours,
my lust is his,
  but your voice,
         leaves me s̶p̶e̶e̶c̶h̶l̶e̶s̶s̶,
            as I know I am not the one.

On a long and ugly forgotten beach,
  I curse and mock the sun, that bears witness to your lies,
I hear the waves, a figment of imagination,
     raging under my own decrepitly mental state.
Before the song of my nirvana,
    I curse the mother, and its womb,
        that brought perfection under the moon.
& within all this insanity,
    I curse you,
        loathe you,
           for in you,
              I see me,
                 foolish,
                    young,
                       in love,
                           βŘ𝐨𝓀𝓔𝐧

115 degree days of misery,
  under larger than life palm trees.
    Sipping a cold crying can of coke.
       oversized sunglasses by the community pool,
          I hope they hide my gaze.
              lust at first sight, ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴇʀ at a glance.

Let me tell you
   About a little boy
      who played house. .
         baked cookies
           dreamed of a family
              while wearing a dress. . .
Let me tell you
      About a little boy
         who ran
           from a group of boys
             blood splatted clothes
               while wearing a dress. . .
Let me tell you
         about a little boy
           who at 5
             said " I don't want to live anymore"
                holding himself at night
                  while wearing a dress. . .

This world is cruel,
   we crave love,
      we crave compassion
         only to find indifference.

That little boy was me.

My tenderness for you,
would like to be the grave; the land, so that you rest in my hands.
That is why at 2:48 AM, my alarming thoughts are purified.
As I quietly dig my own grave, u̶n̶t̶i̶l̶ ̶w̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶e̶t̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶'̶

"I love you"
"Don't go"
"Stay"
"Well work it out"

Words, hiding the crack , in our curated facade.
Longing for love, hearing the echoes of the space between,
I long for those words, in my empty eyes, this silent plea,
I beg you, say something,
anything, make me love you again.
make us love one another again.

Individualization
                              is praised
                                         instagrammers become the plato of the day
                               But did you ever see yourself
for you are just meat like me.


When did we lose sight of importance.

Begged on the knees with no lack of humiliation,
   cried and yells of indignity
        looking up I saw your face
                 - mortification.

please don't leave.
     please fix me.
           find the faults,
                 fix the cracks,
                   patch the crumbling walls,

I said "please fix me"
  only to hear  "you need to fix yourself"
    

-ɪᴛ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ɪᴛꜱ ᴍᴇ

I am sustained in you,
  your words penetrate the darkest caverns of my soul,
        your being is the vertigo of my fantasy,
           I fall at your knees, and drink from your springs,
                your very essence fills me,
                       an endless reminder of my fear,
                                my loss of breath,
                                            for I am sustained in you,
                                                         I hesitate, to let this dream end.
& I know this wanting of belonging,
    is a reflection of me onto you,
        but yet in the silence,
             my soul cries for you!
                    my sweet 𝓃𝒾𝓇𝓋𝒶𝓃𝒶

We are born
    to misery
To love, to lose, and to die.
      That is life. . .
          

-Interesting

Lights, marquees,
  3.5 million people
unpleasant smog, glass buildings
twinkle like night stars.

Cigarette smoke
  gin on the rocks
a lone over aged woman sings in the night
dry exhausted lips, underpaid dress

what is there to love
   when you let yourself go
      and now sit alone. . .

it's so easy to love someone,
when that person does not love you,
   He will mock you,
        He will use you,
            He will leave you disgusted,
              & broken too.
                But, its so easy to love him.

It's so hard to love someone,
  when that person loves you.
    He will cherish you,
        He will support you,
          He will leave you happy,
            & ecstatic too.
               But, yet its so hard to love him.

-ʍąʂօçհìʂէ

Infinite ****** passion exchanged by eyes,
         unexplainable emotions at first touch,
                 Eager tender breaths muffled by lips,
                           Emotions become finite, sacred to tainted.
                                                    - The Chase Ends

8 Billion Souls in this world,
I continue to choose what god took away.
Longing for the day we meet again.

The sky is brighter today, the air smells different.
Free of the stale promises, the flowers bloom a new path
unburdened by the weight of your lies and games.

No longer a ghoul, that haunts me in our own home.
No more whispers, no more glares,
No longer feeling the disappointment in my actions.

Life is a rainbow of multiple colors,
bursting from the clouded storm,
that shrouded my laughter, my forgotten melody re-learned

This is my time, this is my dance,
My spotlight, your words "it's over" guides me,
To draw myself ( loving myself), a masterpiece in progress,
you broke me, stripped me, caused me to hide,
but no longer, I am living for me,
I have the right to live life,
the right to be happy,
the right to live without you.

Life is a chasm of dark solitude,
   my dear eternal love,
        I wish with my all heart,
            to close my eyes,
                 and meet in a sweet embrace.
                       for this pain is unforgettable,
                             I lose myself to a sea of my emotions,
                                               I drown in tears and sorrow,
Yet life is cruel,
    when I lose my breath,
       it pulls me up in a state of melancholy,
          I mourn, I mourn, and mourn
            in this punishment of damnation
               to live in solitude, longing for death
                       a death which does not come
                            so we can love once more.
                                my dear 𝑒𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝓁💮𝓋𝑒

If I rip apart your perfect veneer,
   Disembowel its beauty,
      behind the peering darkness,
          lies a garden, with a fountain of lust
              for all you are,
                  all you will be,
                     is an imaginary object,
                          that is all you give,
                               all I get,
                                  want,
                        ­              & [̲̅N][̲̅e][̲̅e][̲̅d].

Rosemary Citrus, the scent of you clings, a shroud
of broken promises, whispered words of appeasement.
Your mouth, a strawberry, ripe upon the tongue,
sweet, smooth and beautiful, but this tune is already played out.

Your touch, a bitter sun that burned away the cold.
Your voice, a violent vine that ensnares my heart.
The memories, untamed, phantom limbs of pain.
"you need to lose weight", "you don't try hard enough", "stop complaining".

Save me , break me from you roots that hold me down.
Let me feel the fire again, as I am burning alive.
Embrace me in his grace, his fire, his warmth, that burns you away.
So go, sweet young love from yesterday.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
but I choose to love myself.

You found the hidden meadow,
enveloped in its fragrance.

So handsome, dark and tall.
Intoxicating thoughts that swirl the mind.

Please, soul don't weep.
for he is my moon, the stars and my king.

My heart is racing,
My arms are shaking,
Please set me free, for you belong to another.
So please, set me free,
let me be, free.

Barefoot, on the concrete porch.
Quiet smiles and loving eyes.
We were young, dumb, but not naive.
Finding solace in one another's embrace,
yearning for love, but knowing its only lust.
For a second we built a world within this lie,
quiet understanding youthful truce.
we loved for a second in time,
amidst the ordinary beauty of life's simple refrains,
you kissed me goodbye, "I'll call you later", that was a life.
We both knew, our love was ardent and fast,
a refuge from the storm of solitude.

Little girl
   In this world
     You only live to serve. .  .

- it may never change-

You have such a bright mind,
     to live among such ignorant fool..

I'm tired of waiting,
with my arms empty in embrace,
of my eager heart yearning to hold you,
I thought about those delights of the days and nights.
Fictitious thoughts of true love the heart that longs.

We are a flame,
   with age we grow,
        brighter,
           stronger,
             more ardent than the stars above,
                with age we die
                    to illuminate the next life.

Citrus, rosemary and peppermint (from the hot chocolate you hate)
under the Christmas lights (of the mall you hated),
these memories, push them out.

Our laughter at your stupid jokes ( I hated),
stolen glances, and a given kiss,
amongst the cold outdoor desert air.

Poets of passion,
writing stories of love on our skin,
a language of desire and longing.

Your ink forever stains my heart,
a reminder, that I am not happy,
that I am not good enough,
that I am forever mourning.

My heart which longs to fickle,
it longs to belong, someday, find another.
Yet it is chained, with a fragile ember,
amongst your ink that stains it.
That refuses to die, that you are alive,
you are breathing, you are here, you never left.
( I hate myself)
(I hate myself)
(I am a fool)
I wish to hear your stupid joke, "what did the horse say. . ." (what a stupid joke) once more.

Within this sea, I find myself lost,
a lone ship, sailing across the tumultuous waves of my heart,
waves of passion, that break my hull.
Whispering confusion and discord, a sirens act.

I long to take the plunge, let its darkness and depths envelope.
To explore what could be, what is already taking place,
But my brain, the past trauma, and experiences anchor me down,
whisper of past flames, that sow doubt, that I cannot escape.

Therefore, I push you away, and choose this desolate place,
above your seas, my heart yearns for you, but this fear
keeps me from drowning into you,
I want to take the leap of love,
but these chains of a past flame hold me at bay,

I stand on the edge,
longing in desolate perpetude,
torn between the leap, and staying afloat,
to risk my hear again, or stay safe, longing in this solitude.

Our love a vibrant tapestry of love and whispered promises,
painted black, consumed by the anguish in my heart.
this dull ache that blooms in my chest,
that rips and cracks at my ribs,
the truth, pushes my facade.
I am not okay, those instagram photos, its not me, thats not okay.
But there is not a world where we don't collide,
where our souls diverge,
the truth, reverberates through this longing soul,
you're better without me,
don't stay, don't fight it, run, take your things. . .
I'll be okay, I'll love you forever,
that is why I am giving up this fight,
let there be one fool in a broken love. . . so please live.

To my bright heart.

i'm sorry,
for the way i let you linger,
in solitude,
of their indifference.

sorry for the nights,
i ignored your cries,
chasing circles,
like I always do,
of unreturned affection.

forgive me,
for handing your warmth,
to hands that broke it.

i should have loved you better,
i'll take this pain and turn it into something better
for both of us, i promise
I'm loving me. . .
this time and forever.

Across the room, you smile.
Hand in hand with your child,
her arm locked around yours, eyes bright full of gold.
"what a beautiful family" someone comments.

But I know the darkness, the hidden, the bad dream.
The tears, the echo in your soul,
that screams as you're trapped.

Their joy is built, on your pain.
Each step you take to run away, each memory that pulls you back.
The deceit, the despair, the life you built.
Your own punishment for pushing away what we both know.

I am the product,
  of a lover who could not love,
    a poet who could not write,
       people who could not live,
          a human who was inhumane.

I am a product,
   made. . .
      fake. . .
       & his greatest mistake. . .

-ⓟⓡⓞⓓⓤⓒⓣ

Sweet melancholy,
   falling and not getting up,
                   trying to succeed,
                           to find yourself loving alone,  
                                   fight but here the sad news,

Sweet melancholy,
  when you lose your hair,
           angered at the world,
             fight, fight, fight only to find yourself alone,
                                                                       you hold it in. . .
                                      
Let me hold your hand,
   Let me in, Let me hold you.
       I promise to learn from my mistakes,
                                                       to get better,
                                                          to love you more. .  .

Sweet melancholy,
           ardent smiles set,
               tears of rain that stream the soul,
                                       you want to be alone. . .
                                                   volcanic eruptions of anger and rage. . .
Sweet melancholy,
I lost something I can't replace,
                                close my eyes. . .
                                         take me under the endless stars,  
                                               ignite the heavens in my sleep,
to a place where we can call "home" together once more.

- S͎w͎e͎e͎t͎ ͎M͎e͎l͎a͎n͎c͎h͎o͎l͎y͎

When I was young I prayed for love. . .
    Martini filled nights under deceitful stars. . .
        Lost myself night after night to a strangers touch.
lived for the night. . .
      Thought I was living life. . .

Time does not stop,
    nor does it forgive,
          age took its toll and now I am forever alone.
                . . .   I looked for love in the wrong places  . . .
                                        If only I knew. . .
-Looking for love-

Perfect overhanging telephone cable shoes,
mocking under a desert breeze,
   torn ***** chucks that leave their mark,
           on a dark tapestry full of imagination.

Counting pennies in a stream,
children hypnotized by lovely tunes,
   desperately trying to buy scribblers for they come in two,
      two beautiful pops of multiple hues,
          dancing in synchrony,
                only to be ripped part,
                   under the desert breeze.

you were my scribbler. . .
  such a sweet memory,
     of two souls in a romantic setting,
           if only I had known,
                 I would say goodbye. . .

-ѕ¢яιввℓєя

8th of August 2012

My dear sweet friend,
my heart should be raging unrelenting, but its full of tepid waves.
   I feel listless as in endless sleep in my mothers womb,
      and yet I ask why?
          self-sacrifice met with betrayal.
a heart so broken,
the very essence of my soul weeps.
    I lay, ever so wide-awake, the silent darkness,
        a reminder, I am alone.

So why my sweet friend,
     do I not curse them,
        wish ill will,
               bad health,
                  or even death?

for when did I become weak. . .

▌│█║▌║▌║ ฬεά𝐤 ║▌║▌║█│▌

Jealous filled eyes,
     walls that spoke,
         they took my career,
              made me rethink my life,
                      "was it worth it"
                        "am I worth it"
unanswered questions,
  piece by piece,
    the wolves of my own unrelating depredation
      left pieces of a foolish kind soul,
but a shattered heart
    can be taped
       over and over again
            so I say  " I am me"
                with pride.

d̶̮͎̐̔̏ë̸̢̢̤͎́ṕ̵̢͚̘̟̝̣͓̰̤̺͂̎͊͝ṛ̴̨̃̆̾ȩ̷͈̳̐̚d̷͉͍̯̃͋̔ͅa̶͛̌́̿̃͊̍­̢̻̥̻͎̲́̈́́ṭ̵̡̰̻͎̤̦̫̯̀̐̽̽͜į̸̱͉̖̱̯̹̹̱̓̒̂̐̔̂̿̎͋̚o̸̡͎̙̖̯̣̯̺̬͗̍͊̄̎̇n̶­̩̝̼͛̌

My heart is a lighthouse,
   each beat a cut in the endless human sea,
      a cut, in the grandeur of the dreary sky,
          it spins, and spins,
             each Ƥùl𝓈є full of light,
               until with time it fades,
                    a reminder,
                        of longing,
                             belonging,
                                 wanting,
                                     yet fulfilled.

A single ugly monster keychain remains,
it whispers through the garbage juice stains,
I'm sorry I threw it away, and dug it from the trash once more.
memories surge, of your sly smile, the subtle wink and the dominating gaze.
free me from these half-forgotten dreams.

I trace each line upon your face, your eyes, your mouth
searching for an answer , why, why why?
I want to be near you, I want to feel the warmth,
only to dig myself more into this hole of longing.
this keychain is all I hold, please , give me the strength to throw it away, to throw us away.
I am weak, for this story tragically untold.
wanting, longing, pleading, hoping.

The sounds of his sleep-filled snores, a polyrhythm.
To the echoes in my aching hollowed chest,
His eyelashes, beautiful, but a constant reminder,
Of what was loved, lost, and still in the back of my mind.
In this anguish of the sleepless nights.

He tosses and turns, in his slumberous shifts, his hand seeks mine.
Comfort and warmth, instinct, but not delight.
In his touch, my stomach churns in disgust, at myself.
I yearn for your touch, I yearn for your warmth,
Your embrace, that seeks solace against my body, which is burning alive.

This cruel irony, he loves me so.
This closeness, this warmth,
whispered lies of "I love you"
eyes that trace the ceiling, each imperfection, a reminder of this imperfect life.
Each creak, of this house, of words unsaid.
Each snore, a measure of my acting in this trance,
Unbind me from this torture, unbind me from your love.
I miss you so , I miss you so, please set me free
so I can love again.

Why is there shame?
    Why do we adopt a different tongue?
        Why do we call ourselves "ghetto not from this nation"

While Abuela rolls in her grave
  Each wrinkle a reminder of our greatness
      Each reminder  a moment of greatness once passed.

Do we call ourselves American to fit in?
   How do we face Montezuma,
      Our nation suffers and burns,
          Devils demonize
              Children Cry
                 Separated from mothers arms
                    In the name of Freedom!


So why is there shame?
    The rain a reminder of a tears of a once great nation
        Pillaged and burn our bodies became the bridge
          Our hands built this empire
             Our people yet are still slaves.

Where is the shame?
     Mother speaks in broken English
        Families laugh and our culture continues. . .

Stolen land, tears, indigenous **** time does not erase.
Nor should it erase our ANGER
But our people preach love not hate.
Once more we are beneath the masters boot.
Modern Day Slaves

But there is no shame,
for our culture exists,
even after the destruction of our once great state.

Clinging to a rosary,
    I am but a devout fool.
idolizing a false pretense,
    for alone in the world. . .
I cling to false prophets in hopes,
   of knowing a feeling like the one between you and me.

Alone in this world,
I am a fool,
devout,
in love,
alone. . . .

Alone

Cool aloof desert breeze,
  million needle stings on dry scared skin,
    tells the tale of many heartbreaks.
      Seasons change, but love is not profound.

Unfiltered sand scrapes futile eyes,
     waiting on a field of dead frozen grass,
          a fool chases hearts
                fixing what is missing
                         only to cry once more.

"it must be the unrelenting desert sand. . "
   " it must be the cool desert breeze. . . "
                   "he loves me"

just a fool chasing hearts in a frost dying world
    waiting
             waiting
                    waiting
                           imagining
                                   that
                                       "he loves me"

-𝔇𝔢𝔰𝔢𝔯𝔱 𝔟𝔯𝔢𝔢𝔷𝔢

What little hope was left,
   was gone, both the body and mind
       throne into an endless ᶜ𝔥σ𝐀Ｓ of disarray
           you said be calm,
               but where is the calm to my breaking heart,
                   where is the calm to its torturous bombs,
       each explosion a contortion of emotions, happiness, memory
                "be still my heart, please"
                       where is the calmness when I blame you,
                              when you a dream becomes a mistake
                     "be still my heart"
                           take me with him,
where is the calm, when you closed your eyes like the comet that no longer burns?
     "take me with you"
           for I am weak,
                 I am nothing,
                   I am not me,
                      without,
                             you!

People are beautiful. . .
    
    Cities burn,
       I was five and he was forty-three.
     Bang!
       What an awful sound. . .

People are beautiful. . .

Piano Keys & Harps,
     Gluttonous Pigs.
Crash!
     Children starve!


People are ugly,
  - truth.

With Anger!
    He tried to silence her song!
        In fear of his own timidity. . .
               But her song is carried,
                   In an endless river of life,
                       No matter the blows, the yells, the punches. . .
    His voice is like thunder on midsummer eve, it comes, and it goes.
                               But the river is eternal,
                                     It breaks off into endless streams,
                                               Thus, it continues to sing.

December 30th, 2012

So pure and young, sweet love.
              I'm trapped in your song,
                    I wonder what you'd say,
                                I am completing your dream,
                                               Dr., Dr., Dr., that is all you'd say.
Sweet love,
  you are the silence in my eyes,
       the reason I cry at night, the reason I try so hard to live.
           yet, like raindrops in the summer heat,
               each moment passes like a blur,
                    a reminder that I could have done more,
                       so my sweet love I ask,
                             "are you ashamed of me"
                                 " are you ashamed of what I become"
                                       & in the unknowing,
                                           I know and weep
                                                for I fear your response,
                                                       when we meet.
                                                               ѕωєєт ℓσνє

Our first kiss tasted like forever,
we grew up poor, different , outcasted.
Your eyes, once bright, filled with smiles.
Do you remember the math class, where we sat in silence. .
It was just me and you. .
Do you remember the nights of longing, touch and desire.
We planned our future. .
Do you remember when I told you in college "**** it lets run away"
Without hesitation my ride and die said "lets go"
Remember those memories, remember the happiness, remember me.
Your eyes, once bright, are dimming,
I am chasing a shadow, a ghost of my loved one, who is still living.
All for what? A different kind of high,
was I not enough, were we not enough?
the man who looks back at me,
is a stranger in our home,
please let me fill whatever void haunts you,
I'll be kinder,
I'll be funnier,
I'll try harder,
come back to me, I feel my heart losing patience,
a fading memory of love,
I grasp each memory, through your distance, through your screams,
through your anger.
but this grip loosens,
it slips away into this world,
of grief for you're alive,
but dead to me.
I loved you,
I am trying to love you
through this life you chose. . .
I'm sorry.