that moment
when the worry
begins to seep into
my veins

that moment
when the pain
begins to play
tricks within
my brain

i feel my collarbones
and know i'll be

o k a y

everyone tells me
to trust you
to communicate how i feel
to not let these other women ruin this
to not let me ruin this

but

how am i suppose to do that
when i haven’t trusted a single soul
since the age of 7

how am i suppose to when
the last time i trusted someone
they violated everything about me
and took every ounce of my innocence

how am i suppose to do this now?
i’m lost

My name is Erin
and i was *****
at the age of 7

it has taken me
14 years of my life
for those 13 words to escape
my hollow mouth

the only questions i come to now
is why
why lock me in that room
why take everything from me
my innocence
my purity
my childhood

in that room
where my family trusted you
where i trusted you
the night terrors i have to this day
still haunt my mind

like a never ending
drive in movie that plays
over
and
over
only the moon in the night sky
isnt made to be found here
there is no light in these terrors

i cant sleep this time of year
because every time i do
its you
in that room
locking the door
shutting the windows
******* me
yelling at me
every single night
i close my eyes

it has taken me 14 years
to accept the fact that i was taken by you
i have been numb ever since
left in the dust
rotting away at the core
thinking i was nothing
thinking i deserved nothing
because you took everything

but not anymore
i will recover from this
i am strong enough
i believe in myself
i believe in my own happiness
and i promsie
that when i have children one day
i will never ever let them rot at the core
i will find happiness
the darkness will not take over this time

i text you asking
how life has been
after not speaking
for months
but
it feels like centuries

but when i ask
how its been
what i really
mean is

do you still have
that CD i gave you
after you dropped me
off at my house
after a night of playing
beneath the sheets
and roaming through
the veins of each others bodies

do you play the CD
while you are on tour
stuck in that small van
with nothing but
your own thoughts
to keep you sane

do you touch the CD
and feel my soft skin
as if i am right there

when you play the CD
does it skip a beat
just like
my heart does every time
i hear your voice on the radio

i guess what i am trying to say is

i miss you, do you miss me?

So many people these days
continue life in the gray area

we are too afraid
to use the voice we were born with
the voice that we have every right to
we are too afraid
to feel the emotions we were born with
the emotions that we have every right to

we sit in this gray area
and waste life away
watching life pass us by
as we become soulless corpses
too afraid to move or speak

but

why are we afraid
of using the two things
we were naturally born with
why are we afraid
to speak up
to feel emotions

use your voice
feel your emotions

tell your friend they hurt you
tell that boy or girl how you feel
tell that person you don't like that

as a human being on this earth
you are given every right
to your voice
and
your emotions

use them

i gave you
your two letters
two days ago

the letters
that explained
everything

how you
simply made me trust
how you
simply made me feel
how you
simply were genuine

and now i have
not heard a single word
from you

and i
am on my own

once again

the last time i had felt safe
was the day before
it all happened the day before
my childhood and innocence
was taken from me without my consent

growing up i never really felt safe
not even when my parents told me
they would protect me from the monsters
because well
they never really did
because they didn't see the monster right next door

then i met you
and not in some cheesy lame way
but

i had a nightmare of that monster
as i lay in your bed with you
trembling, crying, begging
in my sleep
to have it all back
to have my careless childhood back

you awoke me
with your arms
wrapped around me
rubbing my head
reassuring me i was okay

and for the first time
since the age of seven
did i actually feel

s a f e

my own parents
did not realize
for years
and years
the abuse
and
the torture
i went through
every time i walked a
few steps outside my house
greeting my neighbor

i remember the door locking
i remember them turning around afterwards
and smiling at me
"what do we have here"
he would say

i remember shaking
i remember wanting to run
i remember thinking
of jumping out the window
because that was the only escape
my seven year old self could think of
then everything goes black
and suddenly
i remember nothing

fast forward a few years
i am having *** with a boy from my school
knowing this means nothing
feeling nothing
my body has turned cold
my body has shed its weight in worry
my body just skin and bones

my mother never
told my father he claims now
my parents
they both knew
how could they not
how could they not
how could they not
how could they
not see the lifeless 7 year old
who returned home that day

how could they let me into that house

in college i was asked
if i could compare myself to anything
but a human
what would i be

most of the class
said a tree
the ocean
a flower
the wind
but not me

i am an onion
hardened on the outside
but as you take your finger
and peel
and peel
and peel

you find that
the layers of my life
have left you in tears
happy
or sad

that choice is up to you

i walk into the hospital
all i see is a mixture of white shapes
all i smell is the death of happiness
i check myself in because suddenly
all of the pain i carry is too much to bare
they rush me inside the room
they are looking for the key now
to unlock the beast

i tell them no
keep the beast hidden
i buried him long ago for a reason
i locked him away so
he'd never see the light of day

they tell me the longer
he is locked away
the longer he will
keep trying to barge through
the longer my world
will continue to crumble

after days and days
of the same ****
they finally convince me
to release the beast
to set him free
to watch as he
takes advantage
of every soul in the room
as he consumes purity
within everything and anything

suddenly
everything goes black

due to the terror in my eyes
due to the terror in my mind
due to the memories that are finally free

my entire life
i have been using
my body

to get what i want
to manipulate situations
to numb my own mind
to feel in control

then somehow you

Nektarios
the patron saint
for those suffering
of heart troubles
along with many more

warmed me
at your first touch
warmed me
at your first sight

my cold heart
the one that was always
sharp around the edges
so sharp that people
would bleed out

yet not you

you gave me light
you gave me hope
you gave me love

you made me softer
you made me kinder

i thank you Nektarios

we live in a world
where the mans
voice outshines the woman's

but doesn't society realize
the women carries you
inside her womb for 9 months
she takes care of not only herself
but the child she bares

she feeds herself and you
she nurtures herself and you
through every foot pain
every bit of exhaustion
she carries you

the next time a man
tells you your voice
is not worth his time
or societies time

remind him
that the woman
is a warrior
she is a QUEEN

how am i suppose
to explain
what the ****
i am feeling

how am i suppose
to explain
the anger that runs
through my ******* veins

that i was just a child
a helpless child
in a hallow room
filled with too much pain

to even        s p e a k

i have tried to fill
the cracks within my soul
with coconut oil
in hopes that it might
one day soften my sharp edges
and fill these empty voids
with meaning

i have tried to fill
the cracks within my soul
with cement
in hopes that it might
one day make me stronger
so no one could ever hurt me

it wasn't until
the coconut oil seeped
to the ground and
the cement crumbled
within the first earthquake of emotions
did i realize

these cracks within my soul
that i have spent years
of my life trying to cover up
make me who i am today

and that is enough

they ask why
i can’t communicate
they ask why
i can’t speak how i feel
they ask why
i can’t express myself

at the age of 7
my voice box
stopped working
for 3 years
of my life

my voice box
covered and choked
by
your hands
and
your threats

the fear
distilled in my brain
soaking through my skin
running through my veins

vulnerability
makes me petrified
vulnerability
leaks like blood
from my wrists

i am scared
of communicating

i don’t want to hurt anymore
i am trapped

h e l p

i am 28 years old
still trying to figure out
the meaning to all of this
confused on human emotion
confused on life

but

i know this familiar feeling
the feeling of being lost
of not knowing
what way is up
what way is down
what way is left
what way is 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵

this time though
my self soothing is not working
not like how it use to atleast

i am not panicking
i am not jumping ship
i am not escaping
all like i normally would
in my past

no

this time is different
this time is 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵

where do i begin?
how do i begin?
you turned a stone cold girl
who was afraid to feel
even an ounce of anything
into
a woman who felt everything
so deeply and strongly
i begged you each night
to leave me because i was petrified
of the things you made me feel
of the way you made me trust you
you never left
not even when i begged you to
you didn't leave til now
i waited for you to let me down
and you never ******* did
you never let me down
do you know how frustrating that is?
do you know how hard this is for me now?

and now i am here
a bit better put together
than you once knew me

thank you
for your kind love
for your pure soul
for your passionate self

i will love you forever

i spent months and months asking myself
why was i not enough for you

was i not thin enough?
was i not pretty enough?
did you want me to change my hair color?
did i laugh too  much?
was my voice too annoying?
were my thighs too big?
was i not smart enough?
was i not domestic enough?
was i not wild enough?
did i not drink enough?
did i not smoke enough?
was i not careless enough?

395 days of me waking up each morning
and having these questions flood my brain
until i fell into bed and everything went black
only when my eyes shut for a few hours
would these questions stop

it has been 395 days of pure hell inside my brain
but i am learning now that it is not that i was not enough
i was too much

i gave you too much love
too much laughter
too much adventure
too much of everything you wanted
that you took complete advantage of

i will be okay

i hope you're happy where ever you are now

i met you almost
two years ago
i hurt you
while scrambling
through my own pain
trying to find my way
through a dark maze
with a haze of ache

you got caught
in my rage of
a crossfire
i realized
i actually liked someone
trusted them so easily

i was angry
someone actually
made me laugh
made me smile

the hurricane
was a category five
you took shelter
far away from me
my tears dripping
from the sky

two years after
the hurricane
we are just recovering
there is life again
there is growth
there is laughter
there is happiness
there is light


there is a second chance

life has finally
gotten the better of me
life has finally
caught up with all my bad decisions
life has finally
consumed all of the light

i am confused

i am trying to
piece things together
without any memory

every feeling
I can’t figure out
why I feel this way

it is relearning
life again
hurt again
love again


i am relearning everything





i want
more than anything
to be me again

how the ****
am I suppose to
have self esteem
when
my fathers best friend
took every ounce of it

how the ****
am I suppose to
trust someone
when
my own parents
sent me into that house

how the ****
am I suppose to
not be fuucked up
from this?

I feel empty
I feel sad
I am sorry

i have not
been able
to write
since
you

l e f t

all
i was
able
to do
was

f a l l

i wanted
so badly
so *******
badly

to open up
to you
to talk about
my past
to talk about
the trauma
to talk about
the nightmares
that still haunt
my mind

you were
the first person
i openly wanted
to talk to
about it all

but all you ever
were focused on
was

y o u

the day we are born
we put love in a box
a shiny bright perfect box
one that is untouched
by pain and deception

as time goes on
the box becomes
thrown on the ground
set on fire
dropped deep into
the depths of despair
locked away for years
hidden in the dark

for no one to find or touch
this box goes through hell
burnt, cracks all across the sides
it has been kicked, it has been smashed

but eventually we
find that one soul
the key to open
what the others try to find
it opens after a few tries
of turning the key
left then right
then left one more time

we put love in a box
to be found
to be earned
to be given
to be loved
we put love in a box

they say when you meet your soul mate
you will know instantly
but how do we decipher in that very moment
the difference between love and lust

in those few seconds our eyes meet
how are we suppose to know
if this is a devil in disguise

whenever im sad
i look back on that video
of the two of us drunk
dancing, laughing, singing
at the bar
that night we felt as if
we were the only two there

when i get sad
i think of that time
after the bar
where we went up to your room
and you played your acoustic guitar
and sang a new song
you were working on
i was the only fan in the room that night
and my smile was bigger than it could have ever been

when i get sad
i think of those mornings
where you held me close
where i could hear our heartbeats
beat to a rhythm of a song so intertwined

when you get sad
do you even think of me?

we grow up
watching movies
of the princess
marrying the
brave sweet prince
and
they live
happily every after

but

what if that
is not all
what if the princess
wants more
what if the princess
does not feel the same
way years later

they teach us
when we find
the one we love
to marry them
and live happily ever after

but

what they
do not teach
is
when
is it time to
walk away
and
leave this
chapter

                  behind

sometimes when i am doing good
the thoughts come back
the nightmares come back
the memories come flooding back

i have been petrified
of hearing your voice
of looking you in the eyes
of smelling those marlboro golds

i have escaped all over the world
so you could never find me
so you could never locate me
so you could never hurt me again

but

if that day ever comes
if the moment i have been dreading comes
if i ever have to face you again
in that cold dark room

i would ask you
one simple word

     w h y

you turned my world upside down
you're the one who abused me
you're the one who took advantage of me
you're the one who taught me
to keep a stone cold heart

and now

now here i am
sitting at this computer
with nothing but my tears
and my stone cold heart is crumbling to pieces
ice is falling from my chest

while you sit there on your cruise
laughing in the sun
playing in the ocean
dancing to the beat of the rhythm of somone elses heartbeat
intoxicating your body to escape the memories of me
is it working?
does it not hurt for you?
how do you do it?

i have thrown myself
at so many men
in hopes that
i could just forget
everything about you

forget your beautiful bright blue eyes
those eyes that lit up
the rooms you walked into
forget your touch
that soft welcoming touch

i wish i could forget
i ever had you
so i could forget
i ever lost you

i have lost
count of the
knives in my throat

choking on
every word
as i try
to explain
how i feel

i swear

i was better
at this before

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet all the arguments in our house
were always in our yellow kitchen

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet the bruises from the marks you left on my body
would turn yellow after a few days
and i could not bare the touch of anything
on them for weeks

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet the first time you ever ravished me in pain
the sun was setting across the deep blue ocean
after a dark storm had passed
and the whole sky turned yellow

They say yellow is the happiest color
yet when i now think of pain the first thing
that comes to mind is not you,
it is your favorite color that does,
yellow


                                             e.s.

laying in your bed
talking about my past
you unwrap my wounds

so easily
so gracefully

thank you

you are not who
everybody wants you to be

you are you
and that is far
more than enough

what am i doing wrong
to have lost
who i thought was the
love of my life

if you are not
the love of my life
like i thought you were
how could i trust myself with anything?

i have learned nothing is set in stone
a person can wake up one day
and not love you anymore
hell
they may not have even loved
you at all

and now i am
rambling my feelings
because i am so
******* lost

you broke me
into a million little fragments
and im trying to glue myself back together
but each time i do
a gust of emotions
hits me like the wind
and sends the pieces
to the ground again

and i start over
every ******* time

im lost
and you broke me

i will never forget that day
walking away from one another
on the corner of the street

struggling to catch my breath
struggling to even breathe
struggling to catch my words

i begged you
for months
and months
days upon days

to get your **** together
to give up drinking
to give up all the women
to give up all the rumors
to give up this small city
to give up this lifestyle

but
you could not
you chose not

you hurt me so bad
i started to write again
because it was the only thing
you left me with