Dear past self.
If you read this, you might realize that you have been through a lot of difficult things.
Look at yourself in front of the mirror so you could see yourself that has grown into a strong person.
You might have gone through so much pain and scars that you are no longer trying to cover up.
You have had enough and even more than enough.
Let time give you a chance to meet with happiness so you can see that the world is full of beautiful people.
Let them surround you, fill your days with meaning, and drive away your loneliness.
Let them be proud of who you are now.
You are extraordinary.

I even read
your famous poems
that many people
have read.

I even read
it many times
and got lost
in it.

I even thought
I might
easily remember
all the titles
of your poems
in every word
and I have also
been able to
understand it
little by little.

I even started
writing poetry
for myself.

I even sat
for a long time
just to think of words.

I even want
to be like you
or maybe more.

“Am I enough
to be able to achieve
what you once
achieved?”,
I tell you
in front of
these poems
of mine.

“I want to be myself”,
he told me in this poem
now you're
reading.

Don’t leave me alone
Don’t leave me alone in this way
I am too afraid to come back
And also to go to seek another
I forget that I had done with you
But everything I can remember is only the days I spent with you
And now it goes without you
The smell of you which the wind blows through my nose is my favourite fragrance
I love all about you
Don’t leave me alone
Don’t leave me alone in this way
I am here to wait for you
Don’t you want me as I've stood here?
The days we spent together
Now is going to be sweet memories
Did you see me as you see a reflection in the water?
Is it all you can see now?
Please don’t leave me alone
I am still here
Waiting with all love

Indonesia, 19th September 2021
Arif Aditya Abyan Nugroho

The time is so different when you are in love
They might be silent and you never told them what happened
You had met strangers before and got a relationship with them
They are in love with you, and yeah, you are also in love with them
You were going on a date
Kissing them
Hugging them
Spending your time as long as you could do to yourself
Loving them as far as you could give to them a love itself
You had so many beautiful days all the time when you were in love
You were happy, and you deserved to be happy
One week you did
One month you did
One year you did
And after, and after
But in one moment both of you felt bad and it was going to be mad
You broke your heart by trying to forget what you loved before
You tried, then you would say to yourself
“I hate growing up”
“I just want to be a kid all the time”
“I won’t be falling in love again, it hurts”
That’s statement might be unspoken
But yeah, maybe everyone thinks about it at once

If I could tell you how I missed you in one paragraph
The first line should not be the same as what I feel right now
The words that I used to be love actually gone
I will write it as far as I have done
I could not explain all of the memories in my head
Everything I can hold was staying in my bed

If I could tell you how I missed you in one paragraph
I am not sure I could write to you
The sounds that I hear
It is all I will bear
And it’s now standing to fear

If I could tell you how I missed you in one paragraph
My lips were tightened
My eyes were blinded
My ear was deaf
My hand was holding all of the lines that now hope my heart could fine

I will be forgotten
and I am waiting for it.
At first, you realized it
or in the last, you knew about it.
The time that brought you to grow
always explained to you that the suffering seems like the voices you can’t hold.
I will be forgotten
and you knew that I am waiting for it.
You tried to tell me about it.
But at first, I decided to be calm in every moment I can do.
The wind that blows.
The sun that always let me glows.
It will be remembered.
but I will still be forgotten.
The story that told you in every book you love just leave me memories.
That’s a gift so I had to keep them as I had many glories.
I will be forgotten.
All I wish I could do is only tell you
so it will be remembered.

At the moment when I woke up in the morning, the dim light was on to my room and I saw the beautiful things in yours, at that moment I found my soulmate.
They are still there even when I let them go.
The more I think about how beautiful in somethings are,
the more they are always beside me.
The space in my mind always gives them a chance to stay, and yes, they will stay.
The hardest part of letting them go when you couldn't notice them.
They are too far for you to reach because your heart always guides you in the way that will be able for you to pass.
Sometimes you know about it, but you try to ignore it.
I realized that the beautiful things in yours should be followed,
but you are always in silence,
so the voices in my head carry me to things that hard to understand and it makes construction in my human being to love you with great expectations.
"Is this what happened?", I asked myself.
But the loneliness in me answered that something unhappy should be not unshared.
It reshaped them all into my anxiety.
But suddenly, the voices in my head asked me,
"How's your day?"
"Did we see the same most unexpected ways?"
"I wish you loved me as you love the journey of your life,
please stay calm, I was listening to you."
That was a beautiful goodbye.