Once you know what heaven feels like,
It simply becomes the hardest thing
to survive between four walls
to survive among people
and eventually
die.

Stop! Stop! Don't you look at me
I have no profound sagacity
I am through with rash decision
I shall halt further self-revision
Please, just stop don't steal another look
I'm sorry it's not the blame I took
I would rather take it now, though, you see
Because now you don't care, it's only me.

You said you'd never hurt me
and for a while,
I was okay.
I wasn't good,
I wasn't bad.
I was alive and that's all I needed.

But now,
I'm hurting.
I realize that sometimes repression
isn't always my best skill because
our memory is the cruelest skill God has given us.
I remember the pain,
the feeling of not enough oxygen,
the tightness in my chest,
the bloodshot eyes.
I remember.

I'm scared he'll do that to me too.
I'm scared to be alone,
but I'm scared to drive him away.
I drove you away.

You said you'd never hurt me.
You never said you wouldn't hurt my mind.

You told me I'd find someone better
And I have
But, better is a relative term

Better in the way that when I am around him
I don't have to pretend to be your idea
Of who I should have been

Better in the way that when he tells me I'm beautiful
I know he means it
And doesn't resent me

But better doesn't mean that it feels better
When he holds my hand
It's just a different feeling
Than when you did

Nothing will ever let me forget the first time you held mine
Going down an escalator at the aquarium
To look at the jellyfish or the turtles
When the loud speaker said "For all the young children, their guardian needs to hold their hand to ensure safety on the escalator"
And you laced your fingers into mine
And a smile spread across your face, that I couldn't miss
A smile unlike how you smile for all of your school pictures
It was genuine

And when I dream
You aren't now
You are *then