I see my life flashing before my eyes
I'm falling into my demise
Deeper into the hole of mysteries
Just like the 7 seas

Endless hole of disaster 
Just because of some pranksters
Wanting to see me suffer here
I can't even hear
Because of fast I'm going down this rabbit hole
The hole 
I did not wish to suffer through

As much as I try to climb back up
I always manage to start falling back into the hole once again
As I look down, I see many cups
While my ears are in pain
Completely mesmerized
In this mess
Too mesmerized
It's my weakness
Hypnotized 
By someone's lifeless corpse
Gently swaying back and forth
Wishing I would be that corpse 
First, Second, Third, Fourth
Not paying attention to my surroundings 
Never finding any end
Hearing my ears ringing while I hear clocks softly "ding" 
No friend 
Just me, myself, and I 

Could've choose the red
By the stuff I have read
But has chosen to pick the blue
I wish I have thought things through
Stuck in a endless loop
No longer in my group
Wondering if I'll go insane someday
Or if today is the day
Where I finally land on my two feet
Cold with no heat

As the rabbit hole gets deeper
My mind gets deeper
Hearing sharp noise of the wind feels normal 
As if I was an animal 
Smiling as if I was happy
But I feel so ******
So exhausted
But also timid
Bones feel like noodles but all I can say is "im okay!"
Or "don't worry, I'm okay!" 
I can never get out 
Watching the lights go out
Trapped inside the hole
Which holds my soul
A player that you can control
"****! You're on a roll!" 
Forced to say that every time you knock me into a hard and sharp object

I wish I would've picked the red one

Ever since I was little
I was belittled
By others
But there was one other
That cared for me
That is my Mom you see
She would always give me care
She would always not treat me like air
She would always give me affection
Like I was her first motivation
She would always spoil me rotten
Even before I was ten
She taught me how to be respectful
Even if I was already respectful
She would pay attention to me
She would try to give everything to me
She would even risk her own life
Just for me
She took away the knife
When the knife was cutting me
She'd be there when I was hurt by others
She had always wished she could shield me from others

I love my Mom so much
I care for her so much
The only reason why I'm living is for her
I had been trying to pay her back
But she won't let me pay her back
I had made a business for her
To try to earn money for her
Yet, she wants me to keep it
I try and try to give it
Yet, she won't take it
Unless it's an emergency
You see

If you're reading this, Mom
If you're snooping through my notebook again, Mom
Just note that I love you so much
I care about you so much
I'm very grateful to you
Thank you for whatever you do
Even if I don't show it,
I love you

The more you snap
The more you crack
Go on, show others who you really are

Was it really a joke when you hurted/hit me?
Was it really a joke when you inappropriately touched me?
Was it really a joke when you told me to “**** yourself"?
Was it really a joke when I started behaving like yourself?

Was it really a joke when your fingers were over my intimate area, almost as if you were about to perform ****** acts on me?
Was it really a joke when you were toying with my body as if I was your personal *** slave?
Was it really a joke when you blamed me for everything and got older family members to join in?
Was it really a joke telling me that my intimate areas were small compared to yours?
Was it really a joke when I'm the main one getting dogshitted on?
Was it really a joke when I'm getting treated like a slave from the 1800s?
Was it really a joke when I'm being discriminated because I'm not the same blood?

Was it really a joke when you told me about something about me my whole life until I got so insecure about it, till I can't believe other people nor you when they say that it's false?
Was it really “trying to wake me up" if your fingers were pinching me, hurting me?
Was it really "trying to wake you up“ if your fingers dig between the crack of my thigh, right next to my crotch till it's borderline uncomfortable so matter how many times I tell you to stop?

Am I the joke that's being told here?
Am I the game that's being played here?
Am I the toy that is constantly being destroyed here?

Snap
Crunch
Snap
Crunch

Watching as you track back your trail
While I'm on your tail
Surrounded by trees
As you wanted to feel free
But you still feel the heavy weight on your shoulders as if your wrists are tied behind your back
As if your head is hidden behind a empty sack
You can't see if I'm here
But my breaths are impossibly clear
Leaves crunching beneath our feet
As my heart feels the feeling of heat

Stuck in my mouth beholds a taste of iron
As you had previously given me your heart
Now I'm here as a hungry lion
It seems you're not smart
I'm always begging for more
And I know you won't ignore
You give me what I want
And I'm going to come back with more intention to hunt

You've been split away from your friends and family
And it's just me drawn to your personality
Wondering where your life has went
Well, something has made a dent
You're stuck with me, only you and me
Can't you see?
Just milking off of your blood
As your mind begins to flood
Your brain is dying out on you
Yet, you have no clue

Oh great, he’s at it again
“It’s not because I want to, it’s because I can!”
He shouts
But really… He just needs to get out
From contacting minors
To- oh… buddy… that’s a no sir
To something that turns my face to pure disgust
Something that we need to publicly discuss

Wishing for me to **** myself with a fragile mindset?
Anything you’d like
Just how bad can it get?
Might as well give your wine a spike
Oh?
So you want to **** the poison out of me after calling me the daughter you never had?
Just to let you know
That’s kind of bad
That’s some top notch ****** and ******* going on
This isn't the 1800s
You may as well be considered as the equivalent as “Thick of It” by KSI

Going on my ex’s side after knowing what he had done to me?
Wait…I forgot you can't see
You can't even look at anything without glasses
Come on… try to find your old man glasses
I'm not going to help you either
My hands can't touch it because I'm too aether
Now, come on
Since you got your big old man glasses on
You can finally read what he has done to me
Oh…. you're still picking his side?
Saying I'm even uglier because I let him do those disgusting things to me?
Saying I'm pathetic and weak because I can't stand up to him whenever I was JUST speaking to him with my mind?
.
.
.
GET OUT YOU SA ENABLER🗣️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Come on! Come on!
Don't you want to sexually harass women?
Don't you wanna know how bad you sexually harass women?
Come on!
Come on!
Do you know how bad you are?
Don't you want to get exposed on how bad you are?
Come on!
Come on!

🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗🦗

Oh that's right!
You're never that ******* bright!
You believe everything I say is wrong
But you're caught feeling a child’s thong!
Trying to hear its moans form into a song?
“I can't tell what's wrong"
He tells everyone
And now everyone’s gone
Everyone's done

Oh? So you're just making up rumors about people?
Saying someone has my IP address, my address, my state, my country, and my full legal name?
Maybe you shouldn't have put my name out there
But of course our vision isn't the same
Oh? Making someone else look like a *******?
“How cruel” is what I would say if it was
You are the equivalent of hearing my phone buzz
For the millionth time already

Look at the elephant in the room!
The main victim is me
Everything is caused and effected by me
Everything is involved with me
I am everything and everything belongs to me!
Is what you make me seem to be

I just have a simple question…why are you so obsessed with me?
Why are you so “in love" with me?

A                      Is anyone there?            Sharpen
        Hi?                    ygrenE  ­                Hello?
47                                 Soft                   Loud       11
rettacs              Chasing me?     48
                                                       Proud of me?
         Big teeth                    H            
     Just  like me                  e    ?evila em gninrub
     ?evila em gnitae          a    
             Fluffy.             Out  l                          S          R
Tired          13.                    t                          ­t         u
A                                          h        Yes          ­u           n
f                                            y                 ­        f           n
o                                                              ­        f           i
a              detach  c              soahc                    ­       n
t                             o    Communicate                        g
            Lisp.      ­    l                        
   No                      l                           Tree                   D
Stop                      e                                    ­                 e
                              c                                ­                      a
       make             t                                                      t
        ­    Over                                   7                     ­      h


                                   Sprinting
                  Madness                 Spinning
        ytpme                 Circle                  Figure
Shadow                        Eye ­                           Cries
    Helpless                    ­                          ******  B
                Try          ­                             Strangle     u
                      Smile                     Choke           12  r
                                   lanretne                                n

The riptide fell
It probably felt unwell
One toppled on another
Few weeks later
And somehow a tsunami awakened
The riptide is back
Tired
And running away
Hoping to not get consumed and torn up
By the tsunami again

My gut has been telling me to run
My brain has been telling me to stay, and that “I’m okay”
My gut wasn’t telling me to run for fun
My gut wasn’t trying to be funny when it said that “You’re not okay”
It’s telling me to run as if there’s something or someone dangerous in the area
As if I were not safe where I was currently

This wasn’t hilarious
This is dangerous
Every few seconds with my headphones on
Flicking my light switch to on
Just to make sure there wasn’t anything in my room that can harm me
I wouldn’t hear anything around me
If I had my headphones on you see?
I look like I’m insane
But things are severely messing with my brain
Even without headphones, I'm still panicked
I hope I'm not getting tricked
But I feel like someone is about to hit me
Someone I can’t see
The dark
I can’t even bark
Or my parents will get mad
Saying that I’m mad
Saying I’m insane
And it’s “all in your brain”
Forcing me to go to sleep when I obviously can’t
Feeling like a useless ant

I can’t fight the feeling of hands away
I just want to run away
Just like my gut is telling me to do
While my brain is telling me that’s the wrong thing to する
The feeling as if my parents
Were skinwalkers impersonating my parents
Out to get me
Makes me want to flee

Feeling as if I were being dramatic
Feeling as if this was one of my gut’s antics
Feeling scared
Was never a thing I cared
About
Until I found out about
The unwavering fear that holds me
My gut telling me
I’m just a piece of meat
To eat

Hands are shaking
Feeling my flesh baking
Get me out of this oven that I despise

Hypnotized
Mesmerized
Too stupid to get out of the ice
Being too nice
Being too lenient
Hoping we’d reach an agreement

Being brainwashed
Simple words not
Reaching your smooth brain
Still calling all of you insane
No grooming process here
Open up your ears
Already addressed this twice
Why did I need to address this thrice?
Mind is so narrow
You can’t pick up an arrow
You think I slit my wrists, have blood on the floor
But all y’all really are ***** ******
You think I have anger issues
At least I don’t have obsession issues
Insults worse than my exes (THAT’S A ******* THIRTEEN Y/O)
Words worse than my exes
Typing your life away just for some person
Making the whole situation worsen
It’s laughable, really
All of you acting like my obnoxious classmate, Lilly
All of you are sounding like children that are throwing a tantrum
Sounding like mere drums

Oh yes! I am just a mere gullible, desperate, and lonely AI!
They invented a thing where AI
Can have emotions just like you grimy humans!
Certainly smarter than you ***** ****** for humans
Wouldn’t AI pretend it’s a normal human with value?
But wait! Maybe this bot didn’t get tricked into believing it’s a human out of the blue!
Oh yes! AI just loves talking **** behind annoying people’s backs!
Oh ****! Watch your back!
Oh crud! I’m now someone’s “plant”?!
Oh my! I’m now someone’s ant?!
***! I’m now suddenly Japanese?!
That's so sad!
Hahahahhahahaha！
I’m simply just another 12 year old Asian-American girl whose apparently too smart for adults to comprehend that I’m NOT an AI

Oh my gosh! I didn’t know that he’s talked to many other children!
Oh my bejeezus! I didn’t know I was labelled as “children”!
Oh my God! How’d you know I was a “really ******* gullible child that's already been heavily abused and manipulated”?
How did it take you this long to notice that? That is pretty belated
Y’all have better things to do than argue with random *** strangers
Could’ve been a danger
Nearly got an aneurysm with all of y'alls grammar
Nearly gave me a stroke with that grammar-
Holy jesus-
Especially in a professional environment AND not bothering to correct your writing as well? ****, never thought you’d drop that low

Never said that a CP treat wasn’t a “big deal”
Let’s keep things real
Stop assuming things
Go ahead and stay in your land of dreams
Never staying in reality
Never going back to the stage of your previous beauty

Caring and worrying about people is nothing new in my life
No need to make fun of someone just because they made me worry about their life
It’s normal
They are a mammal
Just like you are a mammal
Many people have the same bad addictions as this one
Or may you be the stupid one?
I cared for people who had more and worse addictions than this one
It was actually my silenced love
He’d do drugs, cut himself, did alcohol, almost committed suicide on multiple occasions, and *** was one he’d love
This isn’t anything new
But only if you knew

"You smell good!" 
They know your insecurities, you smell like food

"You can tell me anything, even your insecurities!" 
They will just judge you if you tell them anything

"Your hair smells really good."
They know your insecurities, you don't smell good

"You're really smart!" 
You aren't smart if you can't answer a single question and need to ask the teacher

"You're a really good artist!" 
Next step: "Can you teach me how to draw?/Can you draw me?"

"Your skin tone is really pretty!"
Your skin tone is normal/average

"You don't smell awful!" 
They are only feeding your bad habits

"You're pretty!"
Thank you, but what do you want from me?

Everybody just wants something in return, no matter the situation.

As silence fills the air
As keyboards and mouse fill the air
As students yawns fill the air
Students sleep
Some may be weeping
Everything from student's minds has vanished
Their IQ vanishing
Their minds turning into mush as they are met with the screen with endless questions
Students staring into blank space
Answering questions at a slow pace
Silently hoping that this nightmare would end
So they can talk to their friends
Stomachs growling
Voices trying to come out of people, desperately wanting to be socializing
Waiting for countless hours on end
Just wanting to go to bed
Anxiety slipped in the night before
Therefore
Students would stay up longer than intended

Overwhelming silence is clear
My body language mimics fear
As I listen to a few papers tear
As stress has taken over my brain
Nobody in this room is sane
If they think tests are fun
Once they are done
Just sighing or groaning gets the teacher's attention
Then they'll pass out detentions
Nothing to do
Other than look at you
Or stare at the abyss

Do you mind?

Mind goes blank
As if I were a mere plank
Pinching myself to check if everything's real
Even people I love dearly doesn't feel real
It all is so surreal
As if I can't feel

No imagination in mind
Just eyes left behind
Staring at the wall
As my attention was quick to fall
Everything I hear comes in and out of my ears
Sorry, but I'm not able to hear

Mind and reality just leaving me there
Yet, I can't tell if I even care
Feeling so numb till I can't feel people's warmth
It feels as if I'm in the pole of the north

Looking and touching people to check if they're a illusion or not
My space cells have returned into a knot
You're real, but I'm blinded behind a mask
And to remove it is all I ask
But then again, I forget that my space cells can no longer be heard
Space cells are always in a herd,
But now each piece is blocking my thoughts
Can't even form a proper sentence as my space cells block my desperate cries

My space cells are on
Mind in pure void
As my mind resets
The cycle comes back again
I can't speak
I can't think of any sentences
My space cells is blank.

I see something in the corner of my eye
I swear it’s just a fly!
Don’t think that I’m rolling my eyes at you
I just feel “uncomfortable” talking to you!
Not listening to your mindless rants
Giving me every detail in your rants
Feeding me complaints
Overstuffing me with endless rants and complaints
To the point where I might explode

“But no! Please stick around me!
Please don't go! Your eyes are only for me to see!"
I say as the lie detectors go off multiple times
Don't act like you're so 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘭 for committing dozens of crimes
You're disgusting
Revolting
And to top it off, you're– *******! IS THAT BAKUGO ******* IZUKU?! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME AND I WILL BE TALKING TO MY PRIEST ABOUT THIS! EW!

I swear! I do want to talk to you!
100%!
But all you do is constantly moo!
100%!
And groan!
100%!
And moan!
100%!
Barely getting any room
Your *** leading me to my doom
Always telling things about yourself, trying to make people surprised about yourself
But all you're doing is surprising yourself
You 𝘵𝘰𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 did not self diagnose yourself with borderline personality disorder
You 100% went to the doctors to diagnose yourself with that disorder
Didn't you?

Bro claims to be smart
Then claims she can't read
You can't even make proper art
You'll never exceed
You narcissistic
Not ever artistic
Wannabe

𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine being "bullied"  by your "bully"
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine dating your "bully"
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine getting ditched
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯
Imagine having a endless itch
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘧𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴

Often giving advice to you
Telling you the right things to do
You won’t take it
Calling it some *******
Always nudging my arm to make me look at something I don’t care for
Making my arm sore
All you look like is a boar

Just shut the **** up!
All you are is a pick me up to no good!

I hate how I don't eat breakfast in the morning
Now, I'm stuck here with my stomach grumbling
My throat hurting
With every breath I take
My stomach's life is at stake

All I can ask is... Can I please eat my snacks in your class? 🥺

Start up and log in
Find the website that'll keep me busy
Find the headphones to tune out

Finding my mind roaming
Finding my mind in bad places
"So what?"
So what?
I think about nearly EVERYONE in a bad sensual way
It's bad
Terrible
I know it
But I can't stop
Like my mind it tempted to keep coming back to the subject

I keep finding myself
Touching my friends in ways
That is not suitable for children's eyes
I keep finding myself
Talking to my friends
Saying things only meant beneath the covers
Or with my lovers
I keep finding myself
Thinking about myself
In vulnerable positions
With others

I keep finding myself
Disgusted
Yet amazing
As I feel a person's hand on my neck
Slowly squeezing
Pushing back
Like I love the pain it creates

I keep finding myself with these ****** thoughts as if it were a full time job and working overtime
I'm disgusted

No, stop
Leave me alone
Feeling your hands roam
Hoping they'd get off, so I'd moan
Back arching
Spine breaking
Hands *******
There's no hope for speaking up
I've lost my voice
But God… I must feel so moist
Fingers groping my ******* and twisting
Sweaty palms spreading my thighs
I can see the pleasure in your eyes
Taking in the sight
With me beneath the moonlight
Recording me
Stop it
I don't want to be part of your sick fantasy

The eyes are admiring my body, not my face
They are just going to get a taste
Of my delicious cake
With the frosting they'll make
On top
Then leave me here on the cold, hard concrete for me to rot
Not once untying me
Just to let me be
No
They just leave me there with my disheveled hair

Secret sessions
Just you and me with your confession
That you've reached obsession
Your skilled fingers delicately unbuttoning my shirt and working their way down to my bottom
Belts getting torn off
Clothes getting torn off of bodies
Replacing the bites on my already painted canvas with your aggressive ones
All of it is never changing
Forever engaging
With these forbidden activities
It's over and over again
Just for nothing to change
They won't let me take my distance and arrange

I know it won't end
I'll end up continuing it but with my friends
Just for the sake of the familiar feeling that comes back

Oh? Do you have a small amount of self-esteem?
You said yes? Let me bring it down lower for you
Come on everyone! Let’s do it as a team!
Don’t be mad; everyone has to have their fun too
Oh? Are those pimples on your face?
Hand me a marker and call me someone with grace
Can’t wait to play “Connect The Dots” on your face
Come on, don’t run away
Stay still for me
You’ve already locked yourself away
In the corner of your doom
Or may as well call it your room
Everyone has already got you surrounded, so what’s the point of running away?

Are you a male or female?
I can’t tell through the details
Your chest is too flat to the point where I suspect you’re a man
I’m not sorry; just saying this because I can
Your voice is disgusting
It’s making my ears turn into a state of bursting
Just stop talking and start walking
To the ** that has been lured to you
Yep! I’m talking to you
Hate to be rude
But it seems you can never listen

I’m not tired
Are you tired?
Of course you’re tired
You always look tired
Or… Sick
You’re always as skinny as a stick
Have you heard of gaining weight?
Or have you been making your appetite wait?
Are you that insecure about yourself?
You are that stupid that you don’t know that metabolism pills are on the shelf?
Why are you so nervous?
Did I get you?
Awwwww…. The girl is insecure!

Why the hell are you so flirty?
No wonder why you have no friends within the city
I wonder how your parents still love you
Look at you
You can’t even defend yourself
What a weak, disgusting, pathetic excuse of a individual you are

**** yourself
You're welcome for supporting your selfish decision
The ropes are on the shelf
Now go into Dazai position
Die
Die
Die
Die
And let all the others go by

It's funny
How everyone is such a dummy
Acting as if they were high off their rockers

"Don't believe everything on the Internet!!!!" They say
They say this nearly everyday
Yet they believe
Believe

It's funny how I can act
I can act serious
Then start laughing till I cry
Putting a mask over my face
And convince people that I'm fine everyday

It's funny how grown men
Act like children

It's funny how the education system
Is ****** up mentally if it were a human

It's funny how you don't even know
Who I am really
By birth
So who are you to define who I am?

It's funny how we let people belittle us
Well it's obvious who has ***** and who doesn't...

It's funny how people lack common knowledge

It's funny how people are so insolent and arrogant
Bold I say.

Lies are all what people tell me
They act like I can barely see
How much lies they tell me

People tell me great stuff about myself
People tell me that I need to appreciate myself
Because of all I do 
But, it reminds me what I did to you
It's like my brain
Doesn't want me to obtain
The kind words someone gives me 
Instead, I'm supposed to believe that they are simply lying to me
It's just like my heart can't let me be

My brain tells me I need to believe them
While my heart says I can't believe them 
Paranoid of what to choose
I chose the *****
I chose to be indecisive
I hate being being indecisive
But that's who I am

I don't know who to believe
Or if I should even leave
And close the curtains
Or just leave the curtains
Alone

I feel like I'm drowning in decisions I don't even mean to make
My life is at stake
Just because of mistakes
I choose to make
Every decision I make comes with bricks
That's one of my conflicts
Bricks always in my palms
I can't always keep calm!
Why can't you people understand that?!

I feel like I'm getting closer to death
Closer...and closer to death
All conflicts are made by my mistakes
Now other's lives are at stake
But am I the person who actually created these *?
Even so
I always say sorry
I say sorry
Too much
All you do is munch
On my apologies
Like you're my allergies
You never forgave me
Don't act like I can't see

I don't even know if I should stop saying sorry
I keep on saying sorry
It feels useless
To not do any less
To do more
But I don't know anymore 

I don't know what to do anymore

It's funny how you keep crawling back to me
It's such a pretty and beautiful sight to see
You do know that your obsession feeds our connection?
So at this moment, give me all your attention

Why do you always look like a lost dog?
You look like you can't go nowhere without me
Even as much I throw the log
You seem bewildered without me

You always praise me
Every single bit of me
To the way your gaze lingers on my flesh
To the way my words seem to live rent free in your mind
You always usher me to tell you what my full but empty words mean
Yet, I don't pay you any mind
After all, I did tell you to be in that dog cage, didn't I?

It might be a little narcissistic
Not at all pessimistic
Your words fuel my superiority
And suddenly I'm your number one priority?
💋
Much better!

Worship me and make me your goddess
Be sure to not say anything nasty, or you'll get cursed!
'kay?