After all those thoughts
Just when I look at those floods
I feel as if I should drown in them
Hidden in the river like a gem

Maybe I should act on my thoughts
Maybe I should act on people's words
They know that we had no droughts lately
Yet they tell me “drown in a river"
They tell me “end it all"
“**** yourself"
“I hope you die"
"jump off a cliff/bridge”
Just maybe
I should do it

Obviously
People just don't want me in this world
People obviously think of me as a burden
As a useless kid
A naive child that they can just use
But if course
I'm just too sensitive
I'll never understand anything

If I don't do it
I may as well punish myself
Like I have been
But worse
Not eating for days
Restraining myself from usually behavior
Letting everyone get a taste of a bland personality
As if I were on my anti-depressants that I haven't taken for months
Let others choke me
Let others help me in my self-destruction
Abuse me
Assault me
Do whatever you want to me
I don't care

Just maybe
I'm just the true sigma male that has a delightful cliff waiting for him

Was it really a joke when you hurted/hit me?
Was it really a joke when you inappropriately touched me?
Was it really a joke when you told me to “**** yourself"?
Was it really a joke when I started behaving like yourself?

Was it really a joke when your fingers were over my intimate area, almost as if you were about to perform ****** acts on me?
Was it really a joke when you were toying with my body as if I was your personal *** slave?
Was it really a joke when you blamed me for everything and got older family members to join in?
Was it really a joke telling me that my intimate areas were small compared to yours?
Was it really a joke when I'm the main one getting dogshitted on?
Was it really a joke when I'm getting treated like a slave from the 1800s?
Was it really a joke when I'm being discriminated because I'm not the same blood?

Was it really a joke when you told me about something about me my whole life until I got so insecure about it, till I can't believe other people nor you when they say that it's false?
Was it really “trying to wake me up" if your fingers were pinching me, hurting me?
Was it really "trying to wake you up“ if your fingers dig between the crack of my thigh, right next to my crotch till it's borderline uncomfortable so matter how many times I tell you to stop?

Am I the joke that's being told here?
Am I the game that's being played here?
Am I the toy that is constantly being destroyed here?

Everytime I breathe in, I feel my skin and bones clashing against each other
Everytime I look at my body, I see my ribs trying to break free from my skin
Everytime I look at my hands, my veins are gnawing at my skin
No wonder why mosquitos think of me as their lover
When people have their fingers around my wrist, it never fits
My wrist can never feel claustrophobia
Seeing almost every bone in my body
Makes me want to grab them till it’s finally “see ya”
Once someone hits me, it sends all the nerves in my body into a frenzy
As if I had fractured a bone
To my dislike of milk, I am just as simple as a thin piece of glass

Everytime I move, I am in pain
Feeling my skin tightening over me everyday, no matter how much food or stretches I intake
Watching myself get my dehydrated throughout the days that I’m alive, no matter how much water I consume
Eating so many unhealthy foods
Drinking unhealthy drinks
Watching as tears rain from how much disgust and pain I am in because of my own body
Yet, “everything I do is for my sake”

Resting my head on my arms in no no
Resting your head on any part of me is a no go
Feeling the sturdiness of my back
I irate
I hate
My body making everything impossible for me to do
Including pushing myself to the limits while in athletics
Including eating so much
Yet, seeing myself get more obese makes me feel inhuman
Making me carve my body into getting skinnier
Carving myself to be ideal
Yet, I cannot carve myself into my high expectations
I can only carve it to the closest I can to my impossible expectations

I don’t think my body can handle all the aggressive beatings
I’ll soon look like a skinwalker
I’m bugging out
I’m lagging out
I'm going to black out

As silence fills the air
As keyboards and mouse fill the air
As students yawns fill the air
Students sleep
Some may be weeping
Everything from student's minds has vanished
Their IQ vanishing
Their minds turning into mush as they are met with the screen with endless questions
Students staring into blank space
Answering questions at a slow pace
Silently hoping that this nightmare would end
So they can talk to their friends
Stomachs growling
Voices trying to come out of people, desperately wanting to be socializing
Waiting for countless hours on end
Just wanting to go to bed
Anxiety slipped in the night before
Therefore
Students would stay up longer than intended

Overwhelming silence is clear
My body language mimics fear
As I listen to a few papers tear
As stress has taken over my brain
Nobody in this room is sane
If they think tests are fun
Once they are done
Just sighing or groaning gets the teacher's attention
Then they'll pass out detentions
Nothing to do
Other than look at you
Or stare at the abyss

Do you mind?

The more you snap
The more you crack
Go on, show others who you really are

What's visibly here is not my soul
My soul is not here as a whole
Feeling as if I was in the 2nd dimension
Or in the 6th dimension
Forever shouting
Forever panicking
Forever crying
Breathing becomes erratic
I'm not being dramatic
I can't find myself!

Burying my face in my hands
Peeling the skin off my face with my hands
Feeling my nerves stinging and tingling
Body is trying to make me stop but all I'm doing is self-punishing
Body is trying to refrain from the limits I'm pushing
Shouting at myself “Who am I?! Where am I?!"
Lights around me dimly lit
Seeing a light in the corner and rushing into it
I keep finding myself all over the place
I feel like a zombie out of place
I feel like a duck that can't keep afloat
Or a unsteady boat
When I get that feeling when everything is a lie
When nothing that makes sense meets my eye
As if I were in Alice in Wonderland
As if everyone were creations made of rubber bands
I don't even know if you're fake or real
I don't even know how to feel over this ordeal

I can't get my soul to fit in the role
I'm placing it on
As if it's trying to act as a permanent con
Endless suffering
Endless buffering
Endless switching
Endless glitching
If I were a cop
I would put the problem to a immediate stop
So I can meet the real you
And I can meet the real me too