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Yitkbel Aug 2017
If only I can be
An ordinary seed in the heap
My soul content and roots deep
Forever present in your keep.

But when my time is up and have to leave,
Please a dust let me keep,
So that, wherever you may be
I will guard you in The Sleep.
Yitkbel Feb 2019
Say if all events:
'Past, present, future'
All possible occurrence
Chosen and averted
Are already on the 'map'
Of spacetime
(Interpreted from Relativity, Einstein)

Like infinite numbers of
Vacation spots

and
Time is merely
Our conscious measurement
Of indivisible increments
Of the ever-present
(St. Augustine)

A record of travelling

And if our fourth dimension of time
Is our one dimensional consciousness
Where we can only travel from
Event to event
Dot to dot
In seemingly constant speed
And one direction

As if a railway passenger

In one of the higher dimensions of time and consciousness
Though unfathomable and would seem omnipresent and eternal yet timeless
To us dots in a three dimensional flatlands

As the wayward of them
Had stumbled or spilled
Into our dreams

We would finally be able to
Run wild and free
Greet our past and future
Embrace familiar friends and strangers
In the wildlands
Of a higher dream

And we would not be
Arriving at a dimension of
Love and intuition

But we would inherently
Be beings of love
And intuition

Though we only seldomly
Physically feel them
And never see them

They're part of us
Only visible
Only fathomable
In higher dimension
Of
Spacetime
Yitkbel Mar 2018
Verse:

You’re the footstep in the snow

I might not always see you

But I will always know

If you’ve been here before


So draw me with a pencil

And color me with chalk

Remember me when you’re here

But forget me when you leave


Pre-Chorus:


I know I’m just

Embers among stars

I know I’m only

Leaves within fleece


Chorus:


But I can be your silence

Till all language cease to be

But I can be your mindless tune

Till all songs lose their melody


Verse:


You’re the wind in the willow

And I’m seeds of memories

Forsaken in the furrow

Waiting to be set free


So hum me like a wordless song

And mold me with dust and rain

When you cease to be near

I will also cease to be


Pre-Chorus:


I know I will always be

Flecks of color

On your masterpiece

The words you’ll never speak


Chorus:


But I will be your lighthouse

Till all land becomes the sea

But I will be your canvas plain

Till there’s no more scenery to paint


Outro:


Even if you’re just my fragile love

Even if you’re just my butterfly dream

Illusive murano flower never touched

Elusive hummingbird among twigs and leaves


I will always love you

Till we are stardust of

Once upon dreams
Yitkbel Oct 2019
The Death of Time: Chronothánatos

✼✻✻

Time in each realm is a ‘living entity’

The collective consciousness

Branching into streams for each being

Or rather, each SOUL


For it is TIME

The consciousness  

The awareness of change

Atrophy, ‘death’ and ultimately loss

That binds us to Envy, Fear, Grief

And

Even Desires for possession


What remains is the eternal

The everlasting

Love without loss

Hope without fear


In Etahphh, the entity of time

As cliche as it is, is

Literally a river

And the streams of consciousness

Literally streams


Perhaps

It would be far more interesting

For us explore the planet Tarphah

Where the whole realm itself

Is a gargantuan elastic fabric

And it is in itself

Time, space and

All of its living souls


Or the perpetual

Self-devouring serpent

Of the Twin Neutron Stars

Where time and all events

Are in eternal repetition


But those are for another day

For time is dying in Etahphh

The eight side diamond shaped

Sandy planet of golden palaces

And crystal blue

River of Time and

Streams of Consciousness


Situated between a Spinning Black Hole

And two colliding neutron stars

Etahphh, where, as it spins

Time is being pulled towards

Either the Night of the Black Hole

Or Day of the Twin Stars

Is about to undergo

Chronothánatos

Or

The Great Sleep of Time

And Consciousness


The measurement of time

Is rather like the measurement

Of the length of the river itself:

Being divided into fixed increments

You’d expect it to take the same amount

Of time through each circulation


But the flow is never consistent

And more importantly

The viscosity is changing

Time is slowing down

And the planet is getting hotter


For the land roamers of this realm

This means a great change is coming

Though change has been in effect

Since The Great Flood, also known as

The Birth of Time


For in the Olden Days, it seemed like

The ancestors lived forever, or at least

Much, much longer

In reality

It is rather that time used to flow

Much, much quicker

And each Sigh, or each increment

Passed in at least tenth of the present

Speed

While aging remained the same pace


In the same breath or meter of time

The same generation lived,

In the past, through a thousand sighs

Or a thousand waves

And in the present, as the flow slowed,

Through only a hundred


To the rich and powerful

And creatures beneath the waves

The direction and speed of the flow

Matter much less than to those

Without vessels, or the ability to

Wade and swim freely through the waves


However, that is only if the waves does flow

What happens when the ‘Chronothánatos“

Does finally occur?


Does everything stand still?

Even aging and atrophy?

But surely, not the subconscious, the soul

And since sand must return to sand

Does that happen the moment of thánatos?

And are we therefore instantly released from

Our ****** confinement?

Do we roam free as spectres in a waking dream?

Without temporal consciousness,

What remains of thoughts?


It might still be unfathomable

For beings confined to travel

Linearly in spacetime

Some no matter what direction

Or speed

To truly grasp the reality

Of an existence of

What would seem like

All that would happen

Would happen all at the same instant

The same exact indivisible moment

Much like life on the planet of

Phahrah, where all of its history

Happen in a single moment

Ever closer to eternity for its citizens

But next to nonexistent

For distant observers:

In the moment

Its whole cradle Nebula

Was destroyed and swallowed

By a gigantic black hole-The Thánatos-

Life was created

As it’s waters dispersed

And land was slowly exposed


For the powerless among us

The freedom of pure soul

Its twinges of love and joy

Without loss, without pain

Is ever freeing and welcoming

And as the planet is becoming

Hotter and hotter

The Death of Time seems like

The perfect paradise

But for the Rich and Powerful

Who has for countless generations

Used observers and other means

To ensure their life is lived to the

Most prosperous outcome

Being so powerful for a long time

Is perhaps more tempting than

Being eternally powerless


They might be able to set up

Minions at fixed points in

History of the Present, Past, and Future

To ensure all possible outcome

Of each action is reported back to all

Previous points no matter what

Can they be so powerful to

Stop, rather in this case

Revive Time itself?


✼✻✻

STILLWATERS OF INCONSEQUENTIAL EVENTS

✼✻✻

How convenient it is that

Time is a river and there are

Stillwaters of inconsequential events


The general plan is thus:

To use ‘unused’ time

To prolong time

To use wasted water

To replenish the rivers

And continue and repeat

Forever forward

And so

The observers became gathers

And unworthy streams

Will make its sacrifice for the

Greater good

But the lever of the Time Reserve

Was not to be pulled until

The very last moment

And the most ruthless of

The Clockwork Regime

Is set to pull it

For even lives barely lived

Still lived

And death is always unwanted

By the sufferer

And any measure to prolong

The Status Quo when there is

Hope for a much much more desirable

Existence

Is always met with

Rebellion

✼✻✻

THE REBEL’S PLAN

✼✻✻

How do you rebel against

Those who could see through

All of time, albeit through

The Gathering Observers

Their minions at hand?

They must be the key

These Reporters of Time

Surely not everyone of them

Is as devoted as the rest

And surely, not all of the

Rich and powerful

Is against this welcoming

Salvation?


Elimination of all of them

Is not only impossible

But also impossibly cruel


Just certain calculated altering

Of pinpoint events could in theory

Alter the course of that one specific

Event, even if ever so slightly


Only a thought need be erased

Or even just unnoticeably delayed

By just one indivisible moment

To end their reign of eternity

And let time meet its natural end


In a world where if there is

No one coming back in time

To stop you is a literal

Indication of everything

Going exactly as it should be

Perhaps, just a confused distraction

Is enough to terminate a timed action


We could find points in history

Where by slightly altering

The outcome of certain elections

We could end up exchanging

One key decision maker for the other

From one for the Revival

To one for the Death


Or a simpler and more likely

Solution:

We just need a rogue agent

To delay the inevitable revival

By one second, or just, again

By one indivisible moment

Beyond the point of no return


The seed, the idea of his betrayal

Must be planted at birth

Unbeknownst to even himself

By people’s subtle mentions

All throughout his life

Till his final act is without premonition

And completely sudden and unstoppable


Out of

Perhaps, yes, wrath of revenge?


The one to pull the lever

Will not be without enemies

So our hero must be close to

One of his previous victims

Take heed of the target’s every word

Especially his very last

For that will be the Trigger:

Our hero's very first word

And

His love’s very last word

For revenge must be buried

Deep in his heart

✼✻✻

ERAHKHU : REBIRTH

✼✻✻

Rebirth, Erahkhu

The General’s last word was

Echoed through the Time Reserve

And entered into Erahkhu’s

Stream of consciousness


It became his first thought

It became his first word

It became his name


Erahkhu loved Thaehrah

And when she was killed

By a bandit within the rebels

It became her last word

As falling into the river

She called out to him


Erahkhu thought he was

Destined to help revive

And rebirth the dying

River of time

As did the General

For it was he who ordered

The killing of Thaehrah

To ensure Erahkhu left

His home at the riverside

To become the destined

Final observer and witness

As witnessed and observed

By Reporters of his time


But as the General’s last words

To begin the rebirth echoed

In unison with the voice

In his stream of consciousness

As it did when he was born

As it did when she died


Erahkhu’s last indivisible moment

Was never intended for birth

Or Rebirth of any kind-

It was the General’s last word

It was our hero’s first word

It was his love’s last word-

So it was to ensure death

The death of the General

And the death of time

Perhaps, without it

Without prolonging of life

They may once again

Reunite

✼✻✻

THE GHOSTS OF ENNUI

✼✻✻

We succeeded and time died

But we were not reborn as

Timeless beings

Or reunited with our ancestors

Or Erahkhu with the love of his life

In that better kingdom

We can now faintly see

But never reach

Where Thaehrah and the General

Reside


We are destined to roam forever

As aimless spectres, for we never

Crossed the threshold of True death

But became The Ghosts of Ennui

Our home was eventually plundered

Turned to ruins and then finally

Taken over by a nautical race of

Time creatures in the shape of waters

And in effect, ironically, revived the river

The River of Time
All of my poems are written on a impulse in a stream of consciousness, even when they are structured or follows a narrative, no matter how many lines or words, I write them all at once. So I do not know if this even makes sense.
Chronothánatos
By: Yue Xing **** (Yitkbel)
Wednesday, May 29, 2019


--=
I wrote this quite spontaneously, and heavily influenced by Doctor Who and Fringe, if you're a fan of the two shows.
I composed the entire nine page poem in one day, and:

I have come to wanting to ‘disown’ this piece of narrative poetry. The poem is completely original of course, in some parts you can’t even find lines identical to it; it came to me in an uninterrupted stream of consciousness. I wrote it within one day, edited mere letters within it, left it alone, and was satisfied. But the ideas within it, or even the narrative structure, and the storyline is far from original. In fact, I could say, it is quite cliched. I was heavily, heavily influenced by what little science fiction, and popular astrophysics for the layman books I have read or watched: from  books by Stephen Hawkings to Kip Thorne, from HG Wells, to countless Doctor Who novels, and as for television and film, from Doctor Who itself, to Fringe, to even Interstellar. It troubles me to think the poem is merely the result of recycled ideas, for it is still thoroughly my creation, however unoriginal the core ideas and symbolisms within are. Like all that suffers from imposter syndrome, I have a deep rooted insecurity of being seen as a fraud, a mere thief of ideas. Thus, I must explain myself, explain all the thoughts that flowed through my mind when composing this piece of poetry:
(I am not a student of science, so please excuse the possible complete nonsense of this work, if it is not fit to be a science fiction poem, then please view it as a fantasy.)

Through thought experiments, before reading up on it, I have concluded that the illusion of time stems from the awareness of it, from our consciousness. Apparently St.Augustine was the first to ever question the entity of time, and resolve on time being of the mind and not of the physical. (https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/consciousness-temporal/)

Thus, the creation of the land in my poem of the river of time, river of conscious awareness of the passing and coming of change. Time is conscious awareness, as is birth, as is death. Therefore the river divides into streams of consciousness.

What is then core to the story of the death of time, is that, although the length of the circulation of time never changes; time, being a body of water, alters its viscosity. Time slows down, time freezes over, time stops, and time dies in a sense. (In my mind, this started as a metaphorically attempt to explain the differences in ages of human beings in the bible.)

When time mets its ultimate end, what comes of us?  Do we rejoice in eternity for the end of loss and sorrow? Or do we become the ghosts of ennui, ever away from true everlasting joy that must only exist beyond the threshold, unable to be reached without divine intervention.
Yitkbel Sep 2019
I see pain and discomfort shunned
From all beings breathing far from the sun
Yet, I’ve questioned if it was all right
Even though the sages have aged
The wise still rains truth
From storms of dust and pebbles
From lives full of peace and suffering
Having tasted it all to know that
   If you drink the honey first
   All else pales in comparison
   And the bitter ever more unbearable
   And if you bear the bitter before the sweet
   All the more pleasant the world will be

   You’ll never miss the near, but ever the far faraway
   Long for the berries and peaches that only visited
   Once a year
   Long for the meals that saved you from constant hunger
   Though only if you have starved and felt the ennui of
   Easy fulfillment till gluttony

And then, I have met
A different kind of suffering, like a spectre
Looming above the land of the cloudless
Looming above us, the youth of peace
Where all labor towards momentary fulfillment
Way too brief compared to the prospect
Of an eternity as ash and dust
Life of unbearable levity
In a world that has lost its true gravity
In a world where nothing lasts more than a
Few wrathful moments

Even with faith for the faithful
Who wants to live half of their life
Dancing with death
Only to live each day afterwards
As another life gained

At the same time
Who wants to live all their time
Chasing a dream ever in the distant
Only to one day wake up from the mirage
Pondering the purpose of the distance
Walked

Alas,
I can only wish that
When you close your eyes
You may not despair in the brief
Darkness
But rejoice in the ensuing wonder of
An eternal dream
So brilliant near the
Sun

There, things last
Not pain, in a land
Impossible to lose
But, unfathomable peace
Without ennui.
September 27, 2019 14:16
By: Yue Xing Yitkbel ****
Yitkbel Aug 2019
We often remark collectively

The curious quickness and languidness

Of supposed objectively measured time



Yet

Never truly resolving how could

Fixed increments differ

So significantly and equally

To different close observers



Perhaps it is thus:

That spacetime is a gravitationally

Wrinkled fabric

Measured with a rigid rule

A linear distance

With unseen folds and faults

Unaccounted for in the straight line

That like mountains and valleys

Unable to cross directly in flight

For the haplessly wingless of us

We must climb over and fall through

Therefore adding to the voyage

Time closer to the truth



And mountains and valleys endless

There must have been for us both

To climb over and fall through

In that indivisible fleeting moment

When my eyes first met yours



And mountains and valleys endless

There must still be for us both

In every indivisible fleeting moment-

Again and again, forevermore-

Whenever my eyes meet yours



For such is our love's 'DENSITY'

For such is our love's gravity

They must all be the ceaseless ripples

From our two ever embracing

Neutron star souls
Dates of this poem:
Version 1: January 19, 2019
Version 2: May 11, 2019
Yitkbel Sep 2017
I was a withering leaf of grass who aspired to fly,  
but didn't have wings,
Nor could I withstand the weight of dreams
Crushing in.
I despaired in terror
Every dusk till next morning
My doomed burial in traceless wind
Until you came rushing in,
In forms of
Sunshine, Earth and rain,
And now,
Full of life once again,
My everything.
Yitkbel Apr 2018
I will hold you with my words
How true they are
Each letter like an ember
They will warm up your heart
Yitkbel Jul 2017
Send your love to exile,
If it is true,
It would be sure to return.
Yitkbel Jul 2017
I live love through fear.
Yitkbel Mar 2018
Did you hide your soul
Behind glass and window panes
Behind trench coats and disdain
Behind little words and a miniature screen
Behind the fear of everything

Are you always leaving
Never letting life to get too close
To be breathe in

Are you always watching
But feel too lonely to experience
Every little thing

Too meaningless in the grand scheme of things
Too much potential for pain
Too many promises no longer promising
Too much silence, that's all you are ever hearing

You won't let me in
For fear of leaving
For fear of changing
For fear of losing
The part of yourself you've open up to pain
Even though you've already lost it
And that's why you are hurting

But you can't lose something
You're no longer possessing

I am all of you that you are fearing
I am all of the lost things you still fear
Losing
Changing
Hurting

I am all of that you can never lose
As you have already lost them
I am only that which you can take back
A fragile soul still loving
Through all of the transparent suffering
Yitkbel May 2019
I can never know the truth

That which is unfathomable

That which cannot truly manifest

Within this world of perfect imperfections


But I can seek to feel it

The peace and love

Aching merrily

Beyond reason for

The Irrational Beings

Yet, deeply touching

For the purity of our soul


Have faith in this love

If you can feel it rippling

Within you

Violent tides of longing

So very calm and joyful

Swept in by the gale wind

So startlingly abrupt

With warmth

Everlasting


Don't rationalize it

This which is the unfathomable

This which is above and beyond

Reason

And seek dust in the

Tears of pure happiness


If you must have certainty

I don't have to tell you that

I love you

The one truth you can surely

Feel
Yitkbel Jul 2017
I wish I lived within an old photograph, a fleeting moment, a stand still, with you.
Yitkbel Aug 2017
I will always love you like a stubborn child, foolishly faithful.
Yitkbel Sep 2016
By: Yitkbel

My wintry complexion
and Summer soul
Cannot kiss your Autumn lips

Your affections may blossom
One day, abruptly in the April rains
But, by then, traceless I'd be
In your belated reminiscing.

Or perhaps, you will remember me
Though doubtfully
As empty your heart may be
Its shallow depth
Will hardly anything keep.
Yitkbel Nov 2017
Is freedom the ability to choose not to have it?
Yitkbel Sep 2017
I thought I could be the keeper of time
Holding onto the most precious things
Like a handful of sugar squeezed tightly into a child's stubborn fist
Refusing to let go

I let everything around me change
They turned sour, became bitter
Withered and faded
Till nothing was the same
Till no sweetness remained

I thought it didn't matter
I thought I kept what I loved safe

But when I finally opened my palm
To savor what I held most dear
I realized, in horror,
That almost all of it has slipped away
Save only for a few seeds of memories
That the gale of time might
At any unexpecting moment,
Steal them all away.
Yitkbel Apr 2018
I thought I could be the keeper of time
Holding onto the most precious things
Like a handful of sugar squeezed tightly into a child's stubborn fist
Refusing to let go

I let everything around me change
They turned sour, became bitter
Withered and faded
Till nothing was the same
Till no sweetness remained

I thought it didn't matter
I thought I kept what I loved safe

But when I finally opened my palm
To savor what I held most dear
I realized, in horror,
That almost all of it has slipped away
Save only for a few seeds of memories
That the gale of time might
At any unexpecting moment,
Steal them all away.
Repost from September
Yitkbel Dec 2017
I want to be the gardener of your soul
The gardener of:

The crimson red depth of my sorrow
The ocean blue intensity of my passion
The scattering Myosotis of the twinges of my heart
When I miss you way too much
The white daffodils of my breathless curiosity
The sunflowers of my inevitable faith
The honey bees of my helpless perseverance
The dandelions of my stubborn yet
All encompassing, all accepting love
As well as
The sweet earth and gentle sunshine that is you
Of which my entire being and happiness is
dependent on.

Because,

All these and more,
I still water everyday with my endlessly depleting tears
All these and more,
Could have been
And still can be
Unreservedly your most prized priceless possessions.
Yitkbel Nov 2017
What if  only you have
Those memories
Moments of happiness
That were
Yet, could have never been

What if that's all you are
Goldfish of Time
Goldfish of Memories
Goldfish of existence
Once lost, once passed
Never to return,
Never to be remembered
Never to have existed.
Yitkbel Aug 2018
Covered by a blanket of stars
Soothed by a soup of the cosmic ocean
I see silver, I see blue
Precipitation of every color and every hue
The scenery in front of me washed anew
And I saw a world formed by words false and real
I saw the sun kissing the moon
I saw sleep embracing the night
I saw time in a waltz with space
I saw promises holding itself true
I thought I'd see you holding me so
But I only beheld a shadow in my view
Is this the future of you, a love too new
Or is this just a ghost of you
A dream I never got to know
Yitkbel Nov 2017
I have been struck down
With a sickness
A sort of Nausea
That can only be cured by action
And reaction:

It guides my every move.
Yitkbel Aug 2017
What really haunt me
   are not your words of indifference
and looks of disdain
   but your trusting smile,
and our intuitive understanding,
now that
I've lost them
forever.
Yitkbel Oct 2015
Heaven, Earth, and Stay
-Yue ****

To love, to hate, to slay
To wonder, to wander, to stay
The spectre, the one who dies
Lost, grieved, sways by
Sways by to tell a tale
A tale of the faithful, and betrayal
She believes, she prays
She perishes, she’s away
To above, to the heaven
Defined, refined by its own name
But, what about he
He who slaved; he, who’s, from the almighty, away
Does he, believed, and told, chained to hell
Or does he, unable to home, stay
To suffer the post-betrayal human fate
Heaven, Earth, and Stay
Faith, fate, betray
Faithful, heaven, went, at the date
Humans, confused, understood, the fate
Now, the betrayer, he rather stays
To wander, helplessly, in the realm before the Gate
Yitkbel Jun 2018
You’re not the unreachable stars
You’re not the almighty sun
You are every blade of grass
You are every deer in the forest
You are every ripple in the pond

But I
I am the restless moonchild
Roaming senselessly through
The starless sky

But I
I am the moon that wakes
Among slumbering hours
And sleeps through life

But I would rather be the dust
That buries your loneliness
But I would rather be the dews
That wash away your sorrow

Your gift for me is my love for my humility
Your happiness for me is my willingness
To be your eternal shadow and not just
The momentary sunshine

You’re not the sky high above all
You’re not the gale that takes all
You’re the dove I wish to caress
You’re the untouchable dandelion

And I
I am the dark clouds above all fleeing life
The inescapable starless night

And I
I am the gale wind that leaves nothing behind
That goes away silently
When there’s no hope left to be find


And I would rather be the catkins
That hold on to your dreams in flight
And I would rather be the honeybees
That take away your bitterness, despair and fright

Please show me how to love my humility
Please bring back my happiness, my willingness
To be your eternal shadow and not just
Momentary sunshine

For my love for you is not above all,
            But within every breath of life.
Written Thursday June 7th, 2018: I wrote it in Chinese first, and then translated it.
A few elements are from my earlier poems:
eg. Moonchild
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2101155/moonchild/
Yitkbel Jul 2017
I confessed to her eyes,
But not her ears and her lips,
Because though the latter are easily deceived,
The former are never blind to the truth.
Yitkbel Oct 2017
Sometimes I think,
You speak to me through my own thoughts.
Yitkbel Jul 2017
I still remember you, and I am still waiting for you, I am afraid that if I give up, afraid that if I forget, nothing will ever last, nothing will ever matter.
Yitkbel Jul 2017
Hold still
Let me capture you in my mind
Before you are gone forever
Yitkbel Jul 2017
I dress my love in the simplest clothes,
lest you mistake my honest intention,
for boasts and pretension.
Yitkbel Feb 2018
We are all honey wasps
The Lost of us
We giveth
       All of our well meaning
                Nectar of sweet hopes and dreams
To a world of Aversion
      
Perhaps,
The world will never know who we really are
They do not look, nor can they see

But, we must remember our purpose
             Despite the isolation
                       Despite the mistrust
                          Lest we turn truly
                                    Barren and bitter.
Yitkbel Jul 2018
I have not known love
Not known the stars
The moon and the sun
And warmth and all the
Petals that blossomed inside
Every particle of my heart
I had barely known words
And I had barely known the dark

I dwelled within the dreamless
Sinking into the abyss
Dragged down by merciless
Invisible hands of fear
Senseless guilty, and
The threat of life
That clutched my throat
And crushed my being
With an abundance of
Things that are not mine
In a bet against an abundance  
Of unfulfilled desires
I was suffocating
At the fringe of madness
And pleaded for a fall
Of complete non-existence
To be forgotten
To be lost
Till I can no longer remember
Myself, till I was never here at all
Till there was no life, breath, and
Darkness

Until the spark
The flash of dim light
That flickered in an instance
Across your eyes
Like a passing shadow
Like a spectre at the edge of our sight
Like the illusion of time
And the warmth a dream brings
I cannot no longer be certain
That it was ever there
But, it was the wildfire
That lit up the barren of my soul
And led me out of the cave
And showed me a world within me
That I had wished to known
But had always been so far away

I saw stars within the milk and honey
With, or without, the night and day
I saw tears in every raindrop fallen
With, or without, endless fields or ocean waves
I saw life within your presence
With, or without, the beginning or end of being
I saw darkness within your absence
With, or without, a maelstrom, or life’s grace

As long as you were there
I was no longer the bitter
Adversary to living
But the greatest friend of life

With you
Time only meant waiting
Eons for a second of your smile

With you
Space only meant coexisting
A second with you for moons of your warmth

Yet, there was not one second
I was not aware that the darkness
The emptiness, the silence
The shadow of your future
Was trailing behind me
Getting closer and closer
Waiting to push me back down the
Bottomless pit of loss
Till I am not just as wretched as before
But completely shattered and extinguished
By the lack of your light

I tried to get to you
Before the abyss got to me
But the desperation of my fear
Frightened you away completely

Like the child and the fireflies
I tried calling you back
With shards of my soul in my palms
And tears falling from my sky
But there was no use
I had to watch you take everything
You brought with you away
I had to watch my world weather away
And the unkempt bitterness
Grow back in haste

Yet, you have not taken everything away
The shards of my soul turned into stars
And the forest of my undying love
Struggling to grow and stay

The tears of my pleas collected into a river
That I sailed on and on heading your way

And although I did not chase back
The light of your fireflies,
I kept every speck of their light
These I turned into words of love
Every day I sent one to you
So that, on your way to your happiness
You’d never stray

I don’t have much of them left
And soon I’ll be silent, dreamless,
Dark and fading away

I see and hope you are content enough
For, I can no longer hold back the silence
Of your crashing waves
I’ll soon be sailing into a place without words
And there
In complete darkness
Beneath a perpetual starless night
Is where
I’ll stay
I am suffocating in a cave of complete silence, breathing in my own words, and feigning a shadow of love.

My words have become empty echoes of my loveless soul to be heard only by me, sometimes how I wish it would talk back to me, in clear, unmistakable voice, form, and being, and tell me, my love of the silent and shapeless was not an illusion and mistake.

But, for now, when my own mother say my words are just empty displays of vocabulary, I can no longer feel their weight.
Yitkbel Nov 2017
The fear of you noticing me
Noticing you
The fear of you leaving
The fear of you merely passing by
The fear of you disappearing so suddenly
After coming by so often
Catching me by its anticipated yet still tragic
Surprise
The fear of you being annoyed by my uncontrollable infatuation
The fear of your smile fading little by little
The more you see me
The fear of you evading me altogether
The fear of never knowing you

The fear of my regrets
The fear of my loneliness
The fear of my hollowness
The fear of my fear
The fear of living so empty
When once I was so unbearably fulfilled
Though even those happier days were spent with a fear of
Losing
Still I have to live with this fear of bareness
Of a soul
That once adorned a jewel
That was so wonderful
All it did
Was to incite fear of its loss
And in my foolishly tight
Protective grips
It has shattered completely
Leaving only a naked melancholy
reminder
Of a fear of love that once were.
Yitkbel Aug 2018
I am terribly near sighted
Consciously and subconsciously
I see not what I have saw
And
I hear not what I have heard
Sometimes,
In fact most of the time,
I don’t even feel
What I should have felt

But the mirror of life
It keeps a record of every little thing
And I relive in my dreams
All that I have missed

And much much more:

All I ever need
Is just a little hint of life:

Your lovely little smile
I failed to respond to during the day
Would haunt me
With what would seem like
A whole lifetime of sweet champagne
And
Kisses of cherries and grapes
With a scent of longing that
Fills me to the core with
Twinges that burst throughout
My entire being
Shining brightly from
Every single particle of my
Soul

The little chirps and calls of crickets
That alternate between the oblivious
Moon upon a bed of restless stars
And the wizened sun
Would always take me to a land
Unlived, untouched, unruined
A vast nonexistence
A vast ruin full of life
Where I have never been so alone
Yet so fulfilled, so joyful, and so
Free

And

The dreamless gale that
Would raise me up to mountains
From which I can finally gaze down
With sure and confident eyes
Upon the whole of life
And
See, sense, and feel
Every scenery and every being
With the purest of colours
Rowing down the crimson rivers
In a canary boat caressed by
A forest of ocean blue sequoias
Blanketed with a soup of
Violet stars
Into the heart of the universe

Where everything that have lived
Or could have lived
Never went away

Where nothing is ever gone
But just lost
So momentarily
Like a wandering child
Let out into the world
Seemingly defenselessly
Yet, perfectly safe
Under the hidden watch of
The mother

Where everything I love
Love me just as much
And so much more

Where I am never just me
But a child
A poet
A painter
A musician
An ancient pilgrim

Where I can fall into stars
And float up to the edge
Of the sky
Swim in the air without my feet
Ever touching the ground

Where I am finally
Held by you
The one person
I love most unyieldingly
In a death grip of never letting go.
I Love you through My Dreams
Jan 27, 2018, 6:15 PM
By: Yue Yitkbel ****

Used to be a personal favorite so I wanted to publish it, but since I haven't heard back from anyone, and I don't like it as much as anymore  I'll just post them.

(I wish I can pin posts here:
I think these are better poems of mine:
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2646158/the-threads-between-every-you-and-me/
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2618377/the-metamorphosis-of-a-bee/
Yitkbel Mar 2018
Many years ago,
I went to Greece with my school
We stayed near a beach
and there was a stray dog
It took my shoes and ran off
I went after it
and tricked it into losing the shoes
I picked them up, put them on
and played with the dog till dark
The next day,
He sat waiting for me outside the door
When he saw me,
He climbed up
and dragged me with his teeth by the sleeves
I don't know where he wanted me to go
But I didn't follow
The bus was here, and we were suppose to go
I don't know if it ever did follow the bus
or If it still remembers me
But, I kept his teeth mark on my sleeves
and his image in my soul
Then, years later
I met you
We didn't talk
but like the dog, I looked up to you
Gnawed at your heart by my gazes
Hoping to reach your soul
Hoping you would take my leash
and direct me where to go
And like my dog
We parted our ways
As we kept our silence
I don't know if that golden retriever
Still waits for me outside those doors
But, I assure you
I still am,
Loving you
With the love of a dog
Unconditionally
Never letting go
Yitkbel Aug 2017
As the leaves are falling
this Indian Summer day
I search through the fallen
Looking for your trace
For a leftover warmth
of your long unfelt touch.

Having found none
I plunder through
Attempting to kiss your beloved earth
What your presence might have blessed

You have said you loved autumn
You have said you adored the leaves
So I asked them if you have been here
Or, whether you would come soon.

Having found no answers
I begin to pick up all the leaves
Writing only one word on each
A puzzle of my undying love to you  
and then
Letting them all fall back to earth

Let them rot and be gone with the wind
Perhaps one day, when you finally happen by
A word, a phrase, a sentence, here and there,
Catching you by surprise
You might finally understand,
What I meant to you.
Yitkbel Oct 2017
So I always color my soul the color of you.
Yitkbel Nov 2017
I dreamt of living
Above the Insomniac Cafe
With mirror cakes of midnight blue
In the shape of the moon
A cup of starless espresso
Among quietly shimmering candles
Of light
That's disquietingly low
And every being asleep
Silent and smothered
Except for me
Fully awake with
An exceedingly loud soul.
Yitkbel Nov 2019
I

It seems that there are no more
Unreachable dreams
It happens that in this world
There can be no real peace          

When blood and tears still bleed
For those buried under the rubble of war
And unfulfilled needs
How many of us despair in the ennui
Of unexplained emptiness, of gluttony          
Of materialism and wants

Mankind must grow with upward gazes
As the sunflower must face the sun              
But when our desires are so easily reached
And when the time has become senile, and forgettable
What happens to us ordinary people?  
Swept away and obscured by Reality and the gunsmoke?
Then, silenced?



But I,
I must sing
Must sing in the desolation
In the silence
I sing
Forget me if you please,
Mock me if you please
“Chasing meaningless dreams”
“Reality isn’t idealistic like your poetry”
            

Yet-

Think,
what songs and chants, after a millennium still sing
Think,
what colours and paints, after centuries
Still brightly remains
Think,
Imagine if there are no words and Babylon
Is only recalled in the ruins’ dreams

I must fearlessly sing,
Fearlessly sing,
With every atom of my soul and being
With nothing, like a beggar to the kings,
But my love
Wild and free

Save the world in my paintings
Shine hope from my poetry
When my flesh is buried by the fleeting
When my soul ascends into the everlasting
My thoughts, my songs, will still be echoing
Resonating
Within every heart like me,
Borne
From
A dream                

II

Black smoke fills the red battlefield
Gray fogs and clouds banishing all light
All cries and outbursts, quickly dissipating
I still sing, within the solitude, brightly sing

The gargantuan Oak Tree breathing in the desolation
Its crowns are still hidden above the clouds,
Above all beings
Though, most of its leaves, have already left
For that place
We cannot yet be

The sun slowly descends
Bidding farewell to the moon waning  
Above the light-polluted plain
Wounded by the over-brightness
Of materials and beings
None can find any guiding stars
The hungry and lost dream of flying
The full and peaceful suffer in ennui



But I,
I must sing
Must sing in the desolation
In the silence
I sing
Forget me if you please,
Mock me if you please
“Chasing meaningless dreams”
“Reality isn’t idealistic like your poetry”

Yet,

I must fearlessly sing,
Fearlessly sing,
With every atom of my soul and being
With nothing, like a beggar to the kings,
But my love
Wild and free

Save the world in my paintings
Shine hope from my poetry
When my flesh is buried by the fleeting
When my soul ascends into the everlasting
My thoughts, my songs, will still be echoing
Resonating
Within every heart like me,
Borne
From a
Dream

III

All beings are occupied with walking
Through the hectic roads                    
But I am still trembling, climbing
The bough of this abandoned Oak Tree
Way above, the light, real, mirage or delusion?
Resisting my hesitation
I still keep my faith steady and unwavering
Though only the silence loudly sings
With a few leaves of mockery and laughter
Calling me absurd
Calling me silly
I still sing, I still scream
Dazed with my humility



But I,
I must sing
Must sing in the desolation
In the silence
I sing
Forget me if you please,
Mock me if you please
“Chasing meaningless dreams”
“Reality isn’t idealistic like your poetry”
Yet,

I must fearlessly sing,
Fearlessly sing,
With every atom of my soul and being
With nothing, like a beggar to the kings,
But my love
Wild and free

Save the world in my paintings
Shine hope from my poetry
When my flesh is buried by the fleeting
When my soul ascends into the everlasting
My thoughts, my songs, will still be echoing
Resonating
Within every heart like me,
Borne
From a
Dream

IV

Like salmon swimming upstream
Upon this Life’s Strait
Between Nothingness of Being
And the Endlessness of Being
Every woman and man
Rushing towards the same direction
Flight or falling
The end is always the same
Death, and repeats,
The Cycle of Living

The Sea of Every Being, who would stop flowing?
Stones, or vessels, everything standing still, will never remain
Fish and droplets, must also combine with the waters of already been

Throughout history,
Prosperity never enjoyed longevity
It doesn’t matter at all,
Whether or not you believe in the
Holy Dream
Everyone wants to leave a mark
Leave a mark on the plain
Where impermanence permanently be  
Leave a mark, footsteps
Where the dust of beings and the temporal wind
Will always sweep
It all
Clean

And I stop, downstream
Facing everyone upwards
Leaving
And sing



And I,
I must sing
Must sing in the desolation
In the silence
I sing
Forget me if you please,
Mock me if you please
“Chasing meaningless dreams”
“Reality isn’t idealistic like your poetry”
Yet,

I must fearlessly sing,
Fearlessly sing,
With every atom of my soul and being
With nothing, like a beggar to the kings,
But my love
Wild and free

Save the world in my paintings
Shine hope from my poetry
When my flesh is buried by the fleeting
When my soul ascends into the everlasting
My thoughts, my songs, will still be echoing
Resonating
Within every heart like me,
Borne
From a
Dream

Conclusion:

Row upon row
Hopeless bodies crawl and crouch
Upon the desert of abundance
Chased by the sandstorm
That will soon catch up to us
And sweep over all

But those of us awake
Rush towards the other way
Fearlessly sing
Joyously sing
It doesn’t matter what lies beyond this wave
Darkness or Light
We still sing
In the Desolation, I Must Sing
Original Lyric in Chinese written:
Thursday, October 24, 2019, 8:44 PM
English translation completed on:
Sunday, October 27, 2019, 2:00PM
---
Thanks to Lawrence Hall for proofreading! :)
This is from a few weeks ago; I think my mind and eyes need a little rest. I also should read a little bit more, my reservoir of knowledge is running a little bit low.
Yitkbel Nov 2017
In the morning he was born:
Innocence, an inexperienced child

He lifted his head
He crawled, he stood
He fell, he understood
That the promised dream is nothing
But a Dream within a Dream

So before the dawn of dusk
And before the dusk of dawn
In the morning,
He left the Earth, and headed for the moon
Leaving me in despair
Yearning for the inevitable doom.
Yitkbel Sep 2017
You had friends, not many, but
still, you had friends. You were
happy, felt mature and never
worried about anything, but
recently you seem to be moving
backwards, walking in the wrong
direction. You shed your friends
like you shed your dead skin cells.
You are growing backwards even, you
are becoming a whiny, jealous,
insecure, and self aware toddler;
everything looks to harm you, and
you are afraid even daddy and mommy
won't love you anymore or just
you've grown so old that their love
for their baby has diminished to a
critical point where the care and
attention you now desperately need
are no longer an option.


You feel horribly lonely, but in
isolation, who cares, who will hear
you. No one, you are dead inside,
but you are afraid of ****** death,
for even in heaven, you are afraid
you will be alone. But, how can you
live when you don't even feel your
own breath, let alone anyone
else’s. You don't scream, don't
want to scream, don't need to
scream, NO ONE will HEAR YOU.
You are dead and alive, you are invisible.
More of a monologue from my unhappier days.
Yitkbel Nov 2017
I live my uncertainties in life
Following invisible cues
Different signals in different hues
A twinge here and there
And uneasiness blooms and heals
When I follow the steps
That leads me back to you.
Yitkbel Jul 2019
When you are lost in love
Your soul ages quicker than you grow old
Don't you see those living bodies with
Dead Souls
Trying to reap what was never sown



For the five dimensional man
Time is like the Glasgow Subway
He'll be aging forwards and backwards
To get to Hillhead you can't skip Buchanan Street
To get to the good times you can't skip the sad ones
And there's always going to be more bitter than sweet
But there's no end for the five dimensional man
There's no end to the Glasgow subway




He bought a typewriter down Byres Road
Learned to write South of Houston, Prince Street
The love was foreshadowed in Pandrossou Market
And he bargained and lost it on Main Street


The traveler travels through all of time and space
When you live infinitely, you'll remember every name
But when between dreaming and losing is your place
Even the immortal would lose his faith
He would give up the universe for one true love's grace
But perhaps it's easier to fall into the six dimensional ways
If infinite number of him existed in an instant with every trace
No happiness, no sorrow, no loss, no heart breaks
He'll gladly welcome the end of his days


There is a space time gateway 3000 light years away
For the end of solitude he'll endure this 30 lifetime race
He just wants to feel the comfort of a senseless place
And to fill his aching heart with empty loveless space
When nothing's ever gone, despair will vanish without a trace
Could this be the fate, of the hapless five dimensional fool
Eternally without love, or another soul to his name
Yitkbel Nov 2017
But not wandering lost
Not hopefully lost
But completely lost
Till I can find myself no longer.
Merely exists, merely acts.
No questions, no answers.
No thoughts, no fear, no love.
Yitkbel Nov 2017
I wonder
(If my keyboard loved my mouse too)
By: Yue ****, July 23, 2015
I wonder if 21 grams is really the weight of our soul
I wonder if that’s why when I saw her
I wanted to leave, but couldn’t go
I wonder if it attracts by gravity
Or some other magnetic fields
I wonder if our soul is not actually alone, but
A million components with a billion views
Each attracts to its own
Soul to soul

I wonder if beauty is a factor too
Like her kindness, and her introvert withhold
I wonder if that’s what makes Andromeda spin
The universe filled with the mass of our souls

I wonder if my keyboard love my mouse too
Perhaps, the bond was broken when
She went away too, after he bid adieu.
Yitkbel Jul 2018
I’m afraid I have more tears
Than words nowadays
And I’m afraid they would rather
Drown you than lift you up
To where you belong

You were truly everything I had
And as I can no longer find comfort
In your eyes, your smile, your voice
I found love in your absence
In the mindless suffering and pain
The devouring cloud of fear and desire
Dragging me deep into the night

They are my greed
Wanting to feel your love
And not just know it, sense it
And wish it

They are my shame
For I was not made to be loved
My only privilege was to give you
Unconditional love

Even that, I can only show you in words
So petty, simple, undecorated
And pebbles to the gold

My words were never glamorous enough
For your beauty
And tender enough for your soul
But they are did not come from within me
I did not create them
They are the flesh of me I tear apart to show you
The emptiness inside
And to fill your scars

I hope you don't need them
Yet so afraid that you don't
Because they are already broken
And have nowhere to go

I can't bear to be the dust in the wind
Floating away from you
But as my tears and fear takes over me
That's where my words will go

I can’t desire standing next to you
Or let my tears stain your soul
So I kept myself between you and the flow
But soon, over me, the water will go

And darkness will be all I know.


If only I was forgotten before
I was known.

If only, into this life,
I was never borne.
Yitkbel Nov 2017
I will be your last leaf
Until it falls on the eighth day

I will be your crescent moon
Until it falls into the
Midnoon waves

I will be your lighthouse
Until all land becomes
The sea

I will be your smile
Until every smile
Dies away

I will be your tea
Until the world
Only drinks coffee

I will be your silence
Until the world only
Speaks French
And all voices fade away.
Yitkbel Sep 2017
I am not a lonely soul
That roams free with an unkempt spirit.
I am one that stands perfectly still,
Letting everything rush by me,
Then lament their departure,
and mourn for all that I have lost.
Yitkbel Aug 2017
Oh
how I wish
you love me just as much as I love you.
But I am just burning for you
Like a candle lit lamp under the sun.
Yitkbel Nov 2017
I can never be your shielding oak
But I will be your last leaf.
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