I,
Want to be alone.
I,
Want to be at home, I,
Know I can't go now no matter how much it grows,
The pain...

It shows it's face time and time again to make me pace back and forth to forget what was said and cut the cord or where and who I am!

...

who am I?
and why.


-

I'd,
Rather go hungry than speak to someone right now,

i'm starved.
I'm starved...
I'M ******* STARVING for a piece of this peace that it seems that everybody but me can just pick up and breathe....

But I can't see me...
So how could I possibly know...

The hidden love,
For the friend who is always there.

Through every step,
Through long times and hardship,
No matter how long since we speak,
It's like we met just yesterday,

Through many friendships,
Come and go,
There is something different about you,

I hope my patience will last,
Because you just may be the last.

~Robert van Lingen

Peace,
Solace is my addiction.

My continuous affliction with change foreshortens my perception of peace.

Give me a taste and I shall not waste a drop,
Send it through my veins to take hold,
And seethe.

Peace,
Solace is my addiction,

How I've turned such a beautiful word,
To poison,
And torture...

My beautiful affection to the untouchable, unreachable,
The next best thing?

I like to think,
To be loved,
To love,
To hold,
To shoulder your burdens and see a smile that just so happens to be my fault.

A ruthless addiction,
Such is Love.

~Robert van Lingen

I sit here, once again.
Gazing back to the past.
Head shrunken down as I wonder what could've been...

But yet I silence myself for the better,
   for it doesn't matter what could have been.
What I could have seen...

I sit here,
   quietly picking up the pieces of my yet again shattered heart,
even if it didn't take much this time around.

I'm, just trying to make the best of what could be,
Not so much concern myself with what shouldn't.

So,
   be still my stricken soul,
   and my scarred heart.

The path to peace is paved with pains,
And every brick I lay brings me that much closer.
In these stones I set, I send the sickness away.

And I glue together the weathered feathers of the wings with which I will fly.

Yet the sky is so far away...

All the more to learn along the way.

~Robert van Lingen

My heart is the lo-fi beating,
My mind the static,
While my soul is the sea in which they swim.

Let's take advantage of this chaos peaceful state of mind,
And write a few little stories.

Forget the little pills bottles,
I'd rather love these words more than every day anyway.

But Zoloft does kind of roll off the tongue,
especially when I spit it out.

Love is pain,
Love is shame,
Love can be hatred and evol...

But...

The way I see things,
If you flip love the other way,
Love, is the evol..ution of a heart.

Unforgiving when wrong,
But unforgivable breathlessness as the love you'd once hated evolves into a joy,

A love that costs,
Nothing.

A love that is not pain,
Or shame,
Or hatred and evol.

A love that is true to the name.

Lay the sandbags.

Endless streaming torrent of thoughts,
Carve a new path.

The mind river in which I flail,
But cannot drown.

Leads me to run the anxious mile,
Which never ends.

I need the path,
That I do not have.

Kicked while I'm down,
Lost in surveyance of my barren mindscape.
Littered with hopes and dreams,
That were just too far from reach.
Not even worth trying for anymore.
Kicked aside like tin cans on an empty highway.

I dare not even muster the strength to take a harmless peek,
Because emptiness isn't worth the effort.

Standing in the center of an endless road,
Going in no particular direction.
I don't know where to go.


~Robert van Lingen

The wayward scent,
Of sunrise's past.

Watch and wonder,
Watch and wander,

Breathe,
And see.
Be,
And believe.

An old morning's mist,
And old glories missed.

Wavering in stance,
A heart yet stands.

A wave goodbye,
May not be a good bye.

The wayward scent,
My way sent,

Show me good
And goodbye.

~Robert van Lingen

There are a lot of answers I want,
But no questions I'm willing to ask.

There are a lot of things I want to say,
But none that I will.





The painful restraints shackle my wrists,
Yet I accept them with glee.

For the first time, I understand,
Some words lay better unsaid.

Some questions,
Better unasked.

To this moment I restrain myself,
Not in reluctance.

To this moment,
I learn the truth of patience.

To this memory,
I hold my tongue to not taint the skies that sail behind me.

To this one,
I stay my mind,

To save you the pain.

~Robert van Lingen

Sugarplum sweet,
Dropping not too far,
From the lone-blossomed tree,
That has given you life.

The written word,
The smitten hurt,
Dance hand in hand,

Step to the silent beat,
Wave your hands at the paper white,
Send me write to my dreams,

~Robert van Lingen

Unexpected resurrection of my dabbled dreams by way of unrelented surprise.

Supposed fast forward into the mud pies in which my dreams now lie.

Hands on practice,
For saying goodbye.

Unintelligible groveling of my mind begging for something familiar.


Hello there.
This is your blank slate.
Do with it what you will.


Stale heartsongs frozen in headlights.
Unsure of where to run.

Anywhere but away.

Perhaps,
Ere on the side of caution,
LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

Take a step back,
Onto the fallen floorboards that follow behind.
Fast forward the rewind.

It is time.

As I look up,
I remember how the whole sky was alight,
For but a moment.
Dead silence.
The sun staring down in a beauty you could never Imagine.
~Robert van Lingen

Explore my labyrinthian corridors,
From the walls to the hallways, to the unkempt floors.

'Tis in my mind I finally realize,
I have not the time to explore each and every door,

Precious, singular thoughts,
Expectedly drowning,
but in due course,
We are lost at sea in an ocean devoid,

emptied by the mindless wars.

A love won,
A battle lost,
A cost too dear,
Here I stand in my worst fear,
Here I am.

****,

What now,
So loud,
The thoughts,
The self screams.

Mother,
So dear,
I understand,
I know how you feel,
Take yourself into God's Kingdom,
And be free.

I love you Mom,
Goodbye.

~Robert van Lingen

Hearts beat so softly when struck a blow from love,

Skipping their unbreakable beating,
Pumping away the times that fall behind us.

Our Softest hearts are,
Our Strongest ones.

The hearts that aren't afraid to cry,
Are the hearts,
That will never die.




~Robert van Lingen

When my fires burn invisibly,
Blissfully I stand across the path of my pain,
Aging to wonders I'd never known, but,
I dare.

To Absent Days' Gone,

The strength of weakness Betrays Oneself.

The Weakness of Strength defaces the purity of a love so strong as to entwine ones' life and being.

A heart in chaos sees nearsighted,

The part I play is that of the puppet to mineself.

But Thanks to thou who'd show me the painful truth.

Set my aching heart free from itself and show me,

Strength,

Weakness,

Love,

Fear,

To coexist so tightly to seem as one in the same.

Truth speak,

I will listen.

I will learn.

I am not alone, not in myself nor in others.

I Am, Myself.

~Robert van Lingen

Write the word
   No need to rhyme.

This is my home,
Please take a seat and have a cup of tea.

Sometimes the words flow like honey,
So sweet and lovely.

The ink is my solace from this mind,
   However mostly healed,

   However...

Spill the peace upon the pages.
  My pen is my heart,
With black ink blood..

Please sit with me a while longer.
Speak a toast to the everlasting sonders of this beautiful life we live,
This sacred space of ours.

My mind is restless.

Invested in which what wherever I breathe,
   Philosophy.

Once I awaken,
I will truly enjoy this place and times therein,
Until then,

Please come again.

A year ago today,
My heart walked away.

   Left me bare,
Left me rare,

And still I am astray.

   I found the ground beneath my feet,
If only because I fell...

Today,
I wonder,
At the skies and at the thunders,

Which way,
Am I meant to be?

I tried to breathe,
   Nevermore I'd drown'd in the taste of water in my lungs,
Swept away.


I take a step,
   To only be shown the shoes of stone I've worn beneath me ever since,

   Perhaps even longer,
than a year ago today.

A year ago today,
   my heart walked away,
My eyes turned black,
   and I begged my mind to stay.

Though,
   Through all the tears and hopeful prayers,
They haven't yet come back.

Not for lack of trying,

So in high hopes,
   When once again I say,
"A year ago today,"
  My pains will have gone away,
And I will have found,
   That which keeps my demons at bay.

Well ****.
Turns out money is a thing.

To live the "American Dream,"
means so many things.

Student Loan Refinancing,
Let's check that credit score,
Need to get rid of that jalopy,
Oh, and there's so much more.

****,
Still need to do my taxes,
What bracket am I in?
Do I really like this job,
Or was this just a whim,

To try and make some money,
and finish that degree,
that'll probably accomplish nothing.

But, we just gotta try, right?

Meanwhile, I still buy nice things,
To try and distract my mind from,
These depressive things,
Because how can I survive,
By living in the corner,
crying,
At these oppressive debts,
that loom over my head,
because when I was 18,
I wanted to be something.

To waste,
To waste,

To waste such a love must be a crime,
Undermine the efforts of years' past,
Alas,
To waste.

But withall,
I bleed no longer,

I bled my tears,
I had my fears,
And today, I bleed no longer.

To thee I wish thine peace,
To me, I smile at least,

At what was not,
To waste.

~Robert van Lingen

In better days,
I've seen stronger sways,
Back and forth,
To and yonder.

Storms form upon calm seas,
Rain falls upon dry earth,

Peace is fleeting as the eye of the storm,
And just as hard to find.

To Yet,
I write this page,
This,
Is the eye of my storm.

~Robert van Lingen

The days that splay out my heart,
Like knives,
Cut apart.

In the grips,
Of a stronger wave,
In my abstract heart.

I stretch for the quay,
The sweet release,
Yet I watch myself depart.

Suffocate,
Choking on love,
Pick me piece from peace,

And smother me.

~Robert van Lingen

I am not myself, for without those near, N'er I resolve to nothing.

I am you, I am Him, and her. I am all who I see, For without all, I am nothing.

~Robert van Lingen

He.llo
The Days:
Tearing by,
It's? Terrifying. Me.

Everything; IT'S all just moving too fast...
"Wearing," My hearts on my knees,
Just* waiting for me to fall upon them.

it's all just happening far too quickly,
slow my everything.

Good.Bye

With me I bring the ashes of my past,
At long last do I see what lies before me.
So I breathe...











My creed,
To believe,
To release the ashes from my hands,

To my knees,
As the lonely tear flows aside my eyes I say,

Steadfast, I stand before time Unknown.

~Robert van Lingen

I do suppose,
That little pill,
Has done its deal,
in sealing me away,

or at least,
the part of me I wish I'd never see.

The lack of write,
represents my lack of fight,

bittersweet.

i love nothing more but to speak,
these little lines.
these broken skies, however,
never suited me well.
This isn't goodbye,
just,
see you later,

when there's something,
something to fight.

The formalities which we call normality,
Would bring others to tears,
As if we don't...
But we do.

Silently,
To ourselves,
We allow our minds to scream in our eyes,
If only because we have no other option.

Gracefully we strip away our minds until all that's left,
Is who we think we are,
All to this, though we are never satisfied.

With a straight face,
We release our streams of tears,
And allow no one to see the hells we face.

Our needlessly numbing mind drags on,
Our nemesis in ourselves,
But we can't tell a soul.

"It's not that hard."
"Just think positive thoughts."
and the best,
"I could do it, why can't you?"

They think us lazy,
When all our energy is spent fighting ourselves.

But,
Here,
We find our kin,
Where we extend our silent sympathies,
With the written words,

I understand.

I caught myself peering through the haze,
Weary of the dark,

The dull glaze of my mirror silently stares back,
From the black, I speak tales of the maze of my mind,
I find, till yet this day has failed to share the  unrequited love for myself,
For my sense of self, I delve into the skies,

The dull shine, just over there,
The longer I stare, It just becomes stranger,
Which one is me? Which one is real?

Am I the reflection? Or am I the stranger?

~Robert van Lingen

The Truth will never hurt me,
And a Lie will never save me.

I miss terribly,
The feeling of being in love,

The ecstasy,
Expecting to breathe life into,
The leagues of my indulgent seas.

The days and nights that sway a life,
To and fore, aft of the rising breeze.
Seeing as we may only stand here for a moment.

Apt to the expectant themes,
Preening the weathered feathers that have flown me away,
and yet home again,

But still I miss it so.

My heart is the home of squandered potential,
Depression sets in,
Cement the state and fall away into my usual state of mind.

The mirror I trod upon is the unfalling foe,
Introspection's regressions feed the deathless ranks of anxieties,
With but nothing left to say,
Nary a hopeless smile althewhile.

Pop another pill to drown tomorrow's sorrows,
With today's having a long way yet to go.

Silence,
The mystery,
Sight unfollowed.

The absence of noise may be just as loud as not,
Due to the voices we use to fill the void,
Anxiety.

It is easy to remember the noise,
But impossible to forget the silence

Witness the slivers of light that whisper through a darkened mind.

Effortless hypocrisy feeds broken philosophies.

Hold your mind close.
For you may just slip away,
Into this place,
And meet me.

H...hello

Stand on High,
Revel in the peaceful noise,
Forget,
Forget.

Stand on high,
Atop the pillowy peaks,
Forget,
Forget.

Stand on high,
Toss the pebble,
Forget,
Forget.

As one stands on high,
And forgets,
Just a stone's throw,
May send you crashing down,

Forget,
Forget.

~Robert van Lingen

Words,
Are the believed truth.
The selfless intentions we've lost ourselves within.
Abhorred by those who don't understand.

Words,
Are the language of our endless thoughts,
Torturously imprisoned if left with no other choice.

So,
Speak to me your sins,
Your loves,
Your pains,
Your means,
And your end.

Spout your soliloquy my direction,
And I would revel in the limitless interpretations of your thought.

Words are LOVE

~Robert van Lingen

Standing on the precipice of a dream,
Gleaming,
The Sun in my eyes.

Shall I take this fateful step once again?
For when last I stood before a dream...

I took that step,
And valiantly, I plunged into a darkness from
  which I have still not been freed.

Perhaps,
T'was not a step I should have made,
But rather a Leap.

From this precipice,
Standing atop the cliffside, staring into.
   future's abyss,
Petrified,
petrified...

I must leap,
   yet to this day,

I would much rather,
  

Fall into sleep.

The stories,
The worries laid to bear,
Fade and pass,
Fade and pass.

At last I find my strength,
What am I meant to be?
We will see.

When I breathe I will move the Earth,
When I speak I will burn the fires that held me back,
I will turn cracks to canyons,
The Rockies will tremble at my march,
The cliffs of Dover will turn to sand.

So,
Here I am.

Try to stop me.

~ Robert van Lingen

Yes, you.

You blame me for what happened,
Don't you.
I guess it's okay...
I blame me too,
If I wasn't there,
She still would be.

If I had locked it up...
she wouldn't have used it...
and then,
You'd have no one to blame.

It's okay,
I've secretly claimed this fault for my own anyway,
Shoulder'd the burden of it all...

It was my gun,
after all...


If I'd come home just a little earlier,
If I'd been the son I should have been,
If I'd swallowed my f*cking pride and just told her I loved her,
My mother may still be here...

You blame me for what happened,
I understand...
It's okay,
I blame me too...