We rang in the new year
On a mattress thrown on your
Living room floor
With the ball drop
On a desktop computer screen

The sound was lagging
Behind the images
And we were laughing
At how we always end up
Stuck in the past

You threw your arms around me
And let your kisses land
Carelessly wherever
They fell

And I outlined your jaw bone
With my pointer finger,
Threading it through
Your beard
And looking into your
Lazy eyes

You counted the times I said
"Like okay" at the beginning of a story
And by 5 AM , you announced
We'd reached a healthy twenty

You kept apologizing
For the way your dog
Was relentlessly
Licking my neck
But honestly
Even with her slobber
And yours
Dripping over my collar bones

And even with the night air
Tingling on my thighs,
Just a little too thick,
Just a little too warm,

Even with my straightened hair
Curling at its ends

And your brother's girlfriend's
Faint moaning sounds from behind
A locked door

There was nothing I'd rather be doing
Than watching your eyes expand and contract
To the rhythm of your stories
Before the blue light of television
Overlapping moon lit window sills
And dark spaces

You are the yellow light love,
Symbolism with a pulse,
Saying "it's officially 2017"
With a begging grin
And an undercurrent of
Gentle laughter,
Standing for change
And growth
And warmth
And simplicity

You are transparent
And in the palms of your hands
I see the year panned out
In blue veins
And freckles

And it is kind hearted
And it is forgiving
And it is kissing my forehead
And letting me breathe

I know this is going to
Be a good one

You will speak of how you're loving yourself,
And how you hate me.
I will speak of how I loved you,
And how I'll always hate myself.
You will speak of how I took everything from you,
I'll explain how hard I tried never to take anything from you.
You will speak of how there's so many men who are better and will give you the world,
I'll accept that I'm not the best, and all I owned was this one room in this building in this city in this country in this world.
There will have been so many who owned everything I didn't,
And they could spoil you with their wealth,
Yet even amongst my poverty,
I was always willing to give everything I had to you.
And although I knew it wasn't enough to fix  everything,
I wished it would've counted as much as it cost me.
You will speak of how I was nothing and you're better off now.
I will speak of how you were everything and I wish you had stayed.

I poured myself into vases
As if by doing so I could
Keep alive these fragile beautiful things

Please close your eyes, close your eyes
I can't bare to be looked at in the light

If you can't see beyond the silhouette of a personality then you can't judge the soul
Who could I be that you would love me
Who could I be that  I  would love me
All I can control is the pose and the poise being lent to my silhouette

Whisper songs in a broken tune
From him to me, from me to you
From us to them the cycle goes
None if it is mutual, or so I'm told

Colors don't matter when you're in the dark
Lipstick stains are scattered, leaving waxy marks
You laugh and I wince praying you can't see
Don't notice the anxiety sweating off of me

As long as the lights are dim I can play this foolish game
But turn them on and I shall melt and fall again

Eyes closed as I lay,
I wish you were here to stay
yet fear envelopes my aching chest
and I worry that I'll never
rest beside you.
So I lie awake and count the breaths I take,
each one feeling wasted as
the only piece of you that lingers
is your
absence.