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118 · Jul 2024
Wishes Cant Come True
Alexis K Jul 2024
I've only got a few.
1. Nobody cared about me.
2. Death.

If 1 came true, two would be easy, guilt-less.

Since they can't come true I've got a new one.
3. I felt loved the way I love.
But to my dismay, my wishes can't come true.
114 · Jun 2019
Untitled
Alexis K Jun 2019
I wonder
Do you feel the same things I do
When we walked in the darkness
With only our little candles to guide us

If my flame flickers
Will you wait to see what is in store
Or will you tell me
“Hold it like this a little more”

When the wax burns my hand
Will you tell me to man up
It’ll go away
But do you know I’m allergic?

When my light begins to fade
Only to dissipate
when I have no lighter to help myself
Will you lean in with your flame?
Will you give me your fire for a split second so mine can begin again?
Or will you say “I got you next time”
“I’ve just got too much on my plate”?

What if there’s no next time?
Because that disappearing flame was the only life source.
Because my demons keep blowing it out.
Because i can’t see without it.
Because i can’t see the paths, or why to continue moving.  
Because without it I can’t see why to stay here.
114 · Jul 2021
Untitled
Alexis K Jul 2021
I am ready to sleep now.
It been a long day.
I can not longer stay awake.
As I close my eyes tonight,
I feel at peace. It would be the best sleep ever.
But I did not know it would be eternal.
113 · Mar 2021
No Big Deal
Alexis K Mar 2021
I have a problem.
You see, I am that type of person.
The type of person who cannot handle their own issues.
And pushes them to the side burner.
I ignore my own problems to help others with theirs,
and they never have a clue that my *** of problems is causing a fire right in front of their eyes.

I am the type of person who can smile as if my world isn't crumbling around me.
So that you can unload your problems onto me.
I have a problem.
Where I do not think my problems are issues
and they do not need to be addressed.
Simply because I tell myself "It's really not that bad."
and
"Others have it worse."

I am the friend that everyone goes to but sometimes,
I want to be left alone.
So that maybe I can deal with my own *** of problems.
A lot of people, myself included, ignore their own issues and invalidate them. Try to correct that if you are one of those people because your issues are JUST as valid as someone elses. I am good at telling other people their valid but not myself, I often use a plate analogy. Some people have paper plates and some have plastic and some have glass. If you continue to pile things onto your plate, that paper plate will break and then the plastic and then the glass. Just because you plate is stronger, doesn't mean that what is on it doesn't matter. And vise versa, just because your plate is paper and breaking fast while other's are fine, that does not mean that you're defective. It just means you need a new plate and often times we get a plate from someone else. (Therapy, support, etc.)
112 · Aug 2023
Shut up
Alexis K Aug 2023
My body is in pain.
All I want to do sleep.
But my brain won't shut up, saying I'm not doing enough.
111 · Apr 2019
Soup
Alexis K Apr 2019
More often than Not.
I am in my own thoughts.

They tend to freak me out.
They always make me doubt.

I doubt myself,
I doubt everyone else.

I doubt my friends,
And I wonder when we will end.

And when I'm in a group,
I simply turn to soup.

I move wherever they push me,
and absently agree.

I when I try to talk,
I mess up so much they gawk.

When someone says I am easy to get along with,
I dont tell them its because I am liquid, sliding along their width.

I simply go with the flow,
Allowing them to think they know.
111 · Jan 2024
Alone
Alexis K Jan 2024
It surprises me,
How often I'm alone.
How often I feel lonely.

Even with two partners.
Life won't just let me exist with them
He's on first shift.
I'm on second shift.
I get to tuck him into bed after work.
They work third shift.
He gets off work, I'm working.
They wake up and he's home.
They get the evening.
I get home and they're working.
I tuck him into bed for work in the morning.
And again I am alone.

They sleep during the day,
He works.
I am alone.
I'm tired of being alone too.
111 · Jun 2024
Oblivion
Alexis K Jun 2024
Send me in.
So I may not feel more.
Amen.
111 · Feb 2021
Untitled
Alexis K Feb 2021
I can not try anymore.
I'm ready to give up,
because this is too tough.
So I cannot try anymore.

                          I cannot try anymore.
                          I'm experiencing burnout,
                          And still not doing enough.
                          So I cannot try anymore.

I have no more to give.
This has ****** the life out of me.
Between the pandemic and life,
Work and school,
I am spread way too thin.
So I cannot try anymore.
110 · Jul 2024
Whole and Healed
Alexis K Jul 2024
I've never felt more whole,
Than with you in my life.
Without him I'd have no idea how to survive.
Without her I'd have no idea how to live.
I wouldn't trade them for the world.
With them both,
I might be whole and healed.
107 · Jul 2024
IMissYou
Alexis K Jul 2024
I never knew how deeply you were rooted in me.
I didn't know how loneliness felt until some who understood left.
I miss you.
I miss you more now than I ever have,
But less than I will when I climb into bed without you tonight.
I hope you miss me like I do.
Because, God, do I miss you.
Even the smallest separations make my heart stutter with anxiety, quiver with desire to be in your arms again. I will never stop missing you when you are gone my love.
104 · Jun 2024
Conundrum
Alexis K Jun 2024
Life has always been hard.
It's never been easier than with you.
SO WHY DOES IT FEEL SO **** HARD TOO.
91 · Aug 2023
Where I hide
Alexis K Aug 2023
When despair is too much.
When life is too heavy.
And asking for help is impossible.
Where can I hide?

I can ask for what I don't know.
I don't know how to help me.
And you don't see me crying right in front of you.
So this is where I hide.

Where I can write when words are too hard.
Where I can exist in silence.

Even though I want to be held.
84 · Jun 2020
Untitled
Alexis K Jun 2020
I am ready for bed.
I am ready to sleep.
Please let me Rest In Peace.
77 · Apr 3
Pour
Alexis K Apr 3
I have an abundance to give.
So I pour from my cup.
Till I have no more.

Then...
I continue to pour.

— The End —