My heart—frozen still,
searching for the will
to forget you.

The alcohol takes its course.
Tears slide down my cheeks
as I try,
fail,
try again
to forget you.

Was my love real?
Or just something to play with—
fooled by the warmth,
cut by your words,
sharp as paper.

You made my heart ache.
Still, I stayed.
Now you just make the alcohol
taste sweeter—
and the night colder—
with every sip.

It's okay,
the drink—
is the love I need for the night.

Our favorite song—
all I can hear
is us singing it
with our whole hearts.

Was it love,
or just—
need?

Every memory in my head—
crumbles.
'Cause all I have now is this bottle
to pour my tears into—
to remember every lie,
you shakily whispered,
in my ears, holding hands.

Now you're gone.
All I have left
is the drink—
we used to share.

a dog pees on a tree,
so what, that’s average.

a baby has spaghetti
around its mouth,
pfft, that’s basic.

a woman living below you
beats on the ceiling with
a broomstick and tells
you to “keep it down!”
big deal, that’s common.

pulling your member
out of your pants and
stroking it violently
with excitement,

hey, that’s just everyday living.

but, seeing you sitting there
on that park bench,
one leg crossed over the other,
with your dog
and your book
and your sunglasses
while tears of joy stream
down your face
after something you
just read

well now…

you
don’t
see
that
everyday.

hell, I thought, and pain
and death and ****
all around me.

hell with no escape,
pain without relief,
death amongst the living
and **** compiled
in the mirror
in front of me.

what I needed was
an act of decadence
to break the staleness,
something spontaneous.

so, I took back my last
swallow full of whiskey,
slicked back my hair and
grabbed the first woman
I saw by the hips.

I pulled her closely to me,
and then kissed her
very passionately.

she pushed me away
almost instantly and
as I turned around,
she hit me in the back
with her purse where
I heard threats of violence
come slithering through the air
from her boyfriend’s tongue.

I bade them all adieu
and walked out the door.

I was an imp without a care
knowing that I have lived
up to the very thing
I want etched on my grave:
regret nothing.

i go back to the day
the one where things came falling,
from the sky, a dark dark cloud
my name it would not stop calling

the calling of death
it was so present
the only option in sight,
the weight was too unbearable
i could not see the light

the light was gone
i was confused
didn’t recall its disappearance,
but a tornado came and swept me up
i did not look for clearance

the clearance did not come,
it started slow and quiet
but now its chasing fast and cunning,
on the sand my feet flew fast
i could not stop the running

i was running on the beach
snow still on the ground,
the voice it clawed at me: “give in”
i listened to its sound

the sound of my mother
when i rushed back home and confessed
she could see i was unwell and weak
shaking and distressed

distressed i stayed
a long long time
the jokes she made were cruel
she did not know what to say
just trying to keep her cool

my cool was kept in my session,
i told her my thoughts exactly
would i end up in a ward perhaps?
i wondered matter of factly

as a matter of fact i did not get sent
to the place where mirrors are plastic
instead i stayed in the place of steel
where measures were so drastic

drastically different
my psyche was changed
for better or for worse,
now under my breath
it is my own name
that i have come to curse.

i know i’ve made you cry
and that i’ve made you bleed
my experience so big
monsters i tend to feed
sorrys were so frequent
their meaning we both faded
emotions getting blurred
insecurities were aided
your attention like a drug
i used to fill the pit
i did not ask you permission,
anxious to take a hit
i thought i was curing the void
dumping texts and calls right in
comfortable in my obsessive ways,
too possessive of my grin.
“I can’t be with you right now”
i could not comprehend
something good is good, no?
why would you want it to end?
the hurt i blamed on you
outsourced it for rejection
but in reality
of my pain it was a projection
the withdrawal it did hurt bad
the symptoms numbed my will
tried anger and blame to cope
just couldn't swallow the pill
myself in your shoes
i did not try to picture
too much in my head
following my own scripture
i was oblivious to the effects
i figured it was just ‘life’
the very past i looked at fondly
was what helped you hold the knife
i feel sorry for us both
brains we cannot cleanse
but i hope when you remember me and us
it’s through a kinder lens

i think about that sunday
the buildup it was slow
i thought i knew myself
but there is nothing that i know

on my carpet i fell into a heap
numb on the floor
the numbness turned to overwhelm
and i went flying out the door

i walked to the beach
i wonder
who saw me and did not know
death was calling me like thunder
its fruit i wished to sow

on the beach i walked crying
snow above the sand
the waves they ran and crashed and thrashed
grabbing for the land

i sat there for an hour or two
thought of the only solution
listened to the water and music
my mind it had pollution

advil -
you could take it at home
swallow it by the dozen
imagine the feeling of ending it all
end of thoughts buzzing

the advil thought left a minute later
after enjoying a stay in my mind
later when i tell her this part
her face turns concerned and lined

i sprinted and sprinted on the sand like a druggie
til my lungs cried for air
the weather in my head had gotten too muggy
no patience left to spare

the dark and black energy of too many problems
running exerted them all
it was an impulsive notion
body charged and full of gall

i frantically called
the one i knew dear her voice a steadying force
my thoughts were still swarming
eyes wet
voice hoarse

i ran back home
calmly walked back in
a joke about suicidal drowning was made
i could not stand my mother then
did she think this was just a game played?

the days that followed reeked
of the beach and snow and sand
how the tide had always calmed me
but that Sunday it was bland

i told her what i did
about the advil and the urge
and in that moment i dangled
the psych ward on the verge

i did not get sent away
but in ways i can never return
to the time i was unaware of my darkness
a time for which i yearn

when the sun goes down
behind the trees
and locks her shutters tight

the moon comes out
with silver keys
to open up the night

i hate the way my thighs rub together
and the way i feel when people leave
and the rub in my soul
with no reprieve