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  Sep 2018 Steve Parker
Poetoftheway
,how do you know when
(a human is too broken?)




<•>

human too broken?

like the light bulb, removal from its fixture, a simple shaking revelation of the tinkling filament spent, something that cannot be repaired, the only option is replacement and that makes
you cry

the empty box of oatmeal raisin cookies, you find secret’d,
hid by you, not to be found by you
at the bottom of the kitchen garbage,
but box betrayal, by the chartreuse tipped box lid sided
peeking upwards, asking, silencing screaming,
what did I do to deserve
this degrading

like the blouse now too tight that it brings stares as the buttons strain, unwelcome attention unintended,
you know it but still pretend not to see,
for you both once loved that silky guise that so
heightened the high tender, the match of your pink rose skin letting, no! making
your eyes glisten, like broken filament glass, on the sidewalk,
recalling the pleasured admiration,
rain remembered from the
prior priority of a life consisting of only
perfect gifts

so mean revert to the poseur question; this is how...

remove the human from a fixed place, whimpering-threatened,
you may hear clear the crackle cackling  of the innard shards against the misperception of a body intact,
even if you do,
no repair service you want,  can be found, see it nowhere,
is it even
anywhere advertised?

the body presumed intact is secret’d under a tactile coverlet,
holey scupperrd holy cuttered
so that the cells and bicuspids, the threads
no longer function in a tandem,
you keep it in the closet closed,
in the back, deep hid, where,
when it screams why,
it can be safe ignored,
because  ‘betrayed’ is no longer a word,
in your globe's dictionary,
the parental controls activated by you to
save your own inner child’s unconstrained confusion,
it has been removed


so the broken glass, the clothes you dressed each other,
if not weep-well,
well enough hid,
the fit is off,
the fit is off,
the coverlet ripped so bad and neither cares
an unexpected poem, unplanned, needing work
aug 4-5
  Sep 2018 Steve Parker
Ray Suarez
Veil of suffering lifted
Too hastily
Blind man thriving in
Infant comfortable darkness
Ripped into burning reality
I watch cheap wood paneled walls
Pop and fizzle: they breathe and battle
With true void of nothingness
The once familiar dullness of
All things
Now burstingburningburying
Who's manifesting all this anyway?
I wait in terror
The empty bottles of Mercy
Abandoned me like
Crisp Bible pages torn from
Leather spines
The truth of the universe is just
Too much
The immortality of non living object
And the temporary existant that is
Me
I want to escape:I beg for blindness
I wait
To become non becoming
The clock ties my hands and
Drags me by the feet
Through the stench of reality in it's truest form:
Suffering
Thoughts on 70+ days of sobriety
Steve Parker Sep 2018
I wish I had flowers and gifts for you
   A whole room full that was well arranged
But if you think that I've forgotten you
  That thought is quite insane!
I may not have much money,
  and all my credit cards are dead
You're partial to gifts of labor(not paid for with paper)
   So I wrote you this instead:

If you could see inside myself,
  My heart, My head, My soul
You would see the fear I have of you
  of a burning love that's beyond my control.
If you could only hear my thoughts,
  Morning,
       night
          and day
You'd see how much I love you,
  no one on Earth could lead me astray!
For earth alone does not bound my love, if there're chicks on planets far beyond
  You have no need to worry- I still would not Respond!
Even if they were hot and green, just like that Star Trek show,
   And if they tried to correspond, my answer would still be "No"!
"Pack it in you *****-*** hoes," is what I would decree
"None of you even have a chance, Brenda's the only one for me!"
As we walked away, we would laugh and say,
(And I think you will agree)
"They gave Captain Kirk a mess of herps'
      and Spock got Hepatitis B!"
  Sep 2018 Steve Parker
Syd
What if
I had fallen to my knees
On the cold parking lot concrete
Tears washing over my cheeks
And cries no one should ever have to hear
Bellowing out from beneath my ribs
Screaming at the sky
Looking up at your face
Forcing you
(and everyone else)
To see me in this godforsaken state
Of absolute chaos
Heartbreak
In it's rawest form
What if I had begged you to stay?
What if I'd told you I can't do this without you?
What if I'd told you how much I needed you
What if I did anything other than fighting back the tears
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Mostly for the crowd of people gathering
Saying their goodbyes
Anxiously looking around to bear witness to everyone else's reactions
And I didn't want to be that girl
That girl who falls to the ground
Kicking and screaming and crying and begging
But what if I was?
What if I was any girl other than the one I pretended to be that day
The one that held her tongue and kept her mouth shut because she knew the second she opened it to speak she would sob
The one that wrapped her arms around you for the last time,
and the one that let go
The one that couldn't bear to watch you walk away
So she kissed you goodbye
Got back in the car
And drove home
What if i wasn't that girl who didnt allow herself to completely fall apart until she was alone in the privacy of her own home?
What if instead I'd made a scene,
Doing what everything inside me so desperately wanted to
Grabbing hold of your hand and refusing to let go
Losing the facade of confidence
The charade of strength
But I'm not that girl
And I never will be
So each and every time you leave
I kiss you goodbye
I unclench my fists and retract my anchors
I untether my heart from it's human home
And I put on a brave face
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Or maybe
For that girl.
Steve Parker Sep 2018
The Two-sided mirror

Reeling from your loss, realization sets in like rigor mortis
You're gone
You never could have loved me
I know I will carry the scars till the end of time
Ashamed, I turned my face away from the world
I should've seen this coming.  I should've read the signs

I never dreamed I could find love on a cliff so high
To soar with birds.  To drink of wispy clouds as they do
It was all a lie
I did not take flight with wings made of your warm embrace, as I had thought
          No
It was cruel intent that lifted me up, only to drop me hard
My bones and heart break as I land on the sky


I couldn't understand.  Couldn't understand what makes your blood so cold
I still can't
Grasping for reason like air under water
Only to breath lies to myself
So desperate for reason.  My heart would not accept what I already knew
Without words you told me everything:  “Run away from me.  I will hurt you”
I was starving for answers and you fed me lies. Taking you back again.  Deja Vu

Like watching someone else, disconnected my actions do not become me
I've grown weak
I've succumbed to the poisonous exposure of your smile.
Of your laugh
          of your tears
               of your past
                   of your pain
A sickness from which there is no cure.  I will recover, not
Are you afflicted as well?  Is it my lips you taste when he kisses you?  

Listening to our songs, I can't hear them over the keystrokes of this eulogy of our forgotten love.  
Like the loud deafening and sharp song of a smithy's hammer on an anvil made of my flesh, hate and strength are forged like cold steel, quenched in an empty bucket of dried tears
Just another faceless voice reaching out with hands made of electronic ink
Quietly searching in vein to be heard by the only eyes that can hear them in the vast digital vacuum of the internet.....
Steve Parker Sep 2018
Darkness creeps in as the sun sets on my being
it envelopes my existence and thoughts like ivy unchecked
Drowning without panic, I breath in deeply
I hear a car.  Is that you, my love?  Have you come home to me?
the neighbor's car door closes with crushing disappointment
Phantom footsteps of a love that once was,
again; the wind reveals itself in the blowing leaves
Spring has grown cold with the warmth of winter's frozen sun
as the last of midnight's dew clings to morning's end  like mother's breast
Your name is heard often, spoken by quiet silence
our road has been long, through many a valley and peak
memories of our once endless happiness are now cold to the touch
the lonely road takes me to the horizon
My home is there
Beyond despair
Relief from a love so
So pure
So rare

— The End —