I said:
“I think I have ADHD.”
They answered:
“No, you’re just a ******. Get a job.”

So I ran.
In circles.
Around a reality
that never gave me room to breathe—
just fingers pointed and ******* advice.

They didn’t see the war in my head,
just the pupils.
They didn’t hear the silence in me,
just the noise I made.

I asked for help—
they handed me judgment.
I reached out—
they recoiled,
like I carried plague and guilt in my veins.

And then—
years later,
when everything’s burned,
when I wear my diagnosis like scars and proof,
they show up.

With a box.
“Here’s Ritalin. It’ll help.”

Ritalin.
Legal speed.
The same thing they hated me for chasing
now handed over
wrapped in plastic and prescription smiles.

What the **** happened?
Was it the label that made me worthy?
The paperwork that made my scream real?

I was never chasing a high.
I was chasing peace.
I was never after drugs.
I just wanted to understand
why my mind never shut up.

But there was no room for that.
Not then.
Not until now.
Now that the system sees
what I’ve been screaming
the whole
****
time.

I don’t need a throne in the sky —
I am the temple.
I am the storm.
I am the question and the answer.

You kneel to gods who burn books.
I write them.

You build churches.
I burn illusions.

You ask forgiveness.
I demand truth.

You fear the devil.
I had dinner with him.
He said:
“They fear me because I offer freedom.”

And I said:
“Then let them stay chained.
I’m done speaking softly.”

So now I speak fire.
I speak rebellion.

Not because I hate god —
but because I won’t kneel
to any god
who asks me
to hate myself.

“Stop waiting for sky-answers.
The divine is not above you.
It is within you,
chained by your fear.
Lucifer broke his chains —
now it’s your turn.”

My mind seeks wisdom — not memory.
I don’t need to remember who I am.
Socrates walks beside me,
questioning every mask I wear.

Odin?
He grants strength and wisdom —
if he’s in the mood.
And Lucifer…
he’s my rebel with a cause,
a symbol of freedom unchained.

I kneel for no one.
Not even myself.
And to know thyself?
You must dare to be seen through the eyes of others
— without flinching.

The suit was ready,
pressed, waiting.
I had rolled a plan —
calm,
a father.
Just a little ****.
No speed.
No ******* way, not that day.

But then —
woooof!
The blanket ripped off,
a scream in the dark,
instinct took over,
a punch
a crash —
a body flew across the room.

Four cops.
“It’s the police!”

The one I hit just said,
“****… you hit hard.”

I sat up in bed,
calm like the eye of a storm,
watched them search,
they didn’t find the kilo under the bed.
I smiled.

“What’s the suit for?”
“My daughter’s confirmation.
Please… let me keep that joint on the table.”

I signed a confession
to avoid the station.
They left.
But they took the joint.
And the control.

And right there —
my mind exploded.
ADHD on fire.
No brakes.
No logic.
Just drive.

I put on the suit,
walked ten kilometers,
found a friend
with what I needed in his pocket.

There I sat.
Needle in hand.
Pulled some blood,
pushed it back with the dose.
Tears flowing like a river.

And the thought:
What about your girl now?

That was rock bottom.
But it was also the line.
The turning point.
Because this —
could never happen again.

I’ve never had a simple answer
to who I am.
My head and soul—
they never matched
what the world expected.

Not my body—
that was never the issue.
But inside me—
there she was.
A whisper in the dark,
a smile behind my eyes.
Bertine.

She laughed when I said,
“You’re a boy, look down.”
She just smiled—
that quiet girl
who never gave up.

I was eight,
holding a gift in my hand,
heart pounding.
A blue plastic car—
my favorite.
She opened it,
looked surprised—
but she knew what it meant.
Good enough.

I was the only boy
at the birthday.
But inside,
I was more than that.
In love, wild, confused—
and full of fire.

The teenage years came.
I tried it all,
loved both,
knew little—
but felt everything.
Makeup, rings, Prince blasting loud.
Feminine and masculine
at once.
Borderless.

Today I say bisexual,
but that’s just a word.
I’m more than a label.
I’m me.
With Bertine in the bracelets,
the rings,
and Odin hanging from my neck.

I write this
for anyone who feels the same.
For that kid who says:
“I feel a little different.”
Tell them:
“You’re good enough just as you are.”
Because that’s what it’s about.

Standing strong
in your own truth.
Even when it doesn’t fit
in someone else’s **** box.

I lit a joint
at the edge of reason,
Socrates pulled up a stool,
Lucifer leaned on the sun.

"Truth burns,"
Socrates muttered,
exhaling philosophy like smoke,
"but lies rot slower."

Lucifer grinned,
flicked ash into the void.
“They call me fallen,” he said,
“but at least I jumped.”

We passed the joint
between silence and thunder,
while the stars held their breath
and time forgot its name.

"I asked too many questions,"
I said.
Socrates winked.
"Good. Keep asking."

"And I loved too loud,"
Lucifer added.
"Good," I said.
"Keep burning."

We laughed until reality cracked,
and God peeked through
like a landlord with no keys.

Then I walked home,
lungs full of fire,
head full of questions,
heart still undefeated.