you love the idea of me.

you don't love the girl behind the makeup, the cute skirt, the laughs
the girl who panics too much
the girl who questions her worth every single day
the girl whose tears have dried up from crying too long
the girl who worries too much about what other people think
the girl filled with guilt but still lies to the people she loves
the girl who lies to herself about her capacity to love others
the girl confused about who she is and who she wants to be
and im sure as hell you won't love the girl
when you see all the flaws she's kept hidden
because she's afraid people will leave her again.

so don't tell her to fall for you -
don't tell her you love her
until you've seen this girl.

i miss you and it confuses (the hell out of) me
because there are things that simply cannot be
so convince me it's all just for ***:

the way you stop when it hurts
even when i tell you to keep going
the way you always ask me if im ok
the way you are when you’re moaning
the way you kiss my forehead
the way you hold and ******* body
the way you touch my hand
and tell me you're clingy
the way you say you think of me even when im not there
the way you like it when i call you "baby"
the way you say "i would ******* everyday if i could"
the way you give everything to me

Baby, i wanted to believe you were a bad idea
but i like you more than i thought i did
so much that i could fall —

then, reality hits
we could never be anything more
than the paradise we've built inside these four walls
the thousand little deaths we've buried under your ragged bedsheets
(to the songs we like to get ****** to)

Baby, the lies we've put up with just to keep this going

so convince me until i finally convince myself:
this is just for ***
and let me lie for just a little more

loving you
turned me into a poet
both the artist and the muse
all at once
knowing i'd sing for you
just as quickly as i'd bleed
to make your world
more beautiful

even now
i'd describe the sea
a thousand ways
just to capture
your shade of blue.

the way your cheeks feel on my palms
that little stubble on your chin
the red spots on your space
because you're allergic to just about everything (but me)

i miss the familiarity of you
i miss the way your voice cracks when you sing blink-182 songs
the way your accent always shows no matter what language you use
i miss the the way you impress everyone because
you sound so different to them but so familiar to me

these men i **** do not compare to you
and i may be the most amazing lover to them
but they do not know what you have done to me
the way i will touch the sun if it means you get to live
a thousand more happy lifetimes

i miss the familiarity of you
the way you have shown me what love means
and if love truly is just a choice
i know in each universe that exists
id have chosen you,
always you.

because know this, dear:

you are my sunset, my sunrise
my stars who stay even through night and day
you are my achilles
my archangel, my lucifer
you are everything i could ever ask for
you are familiarity itself.

You are my anchor.
in this sea of confusion
i choose you.

no waves could ever weather
what we have
and what we could be.

for this love is time immemorial
more than the first bubbles that sprouted from earth
and created life itself.

and if poseidon compels me
to worship him,
i will not bow.

i have surrendered these waters
only for You to swim in,
my deity.