to the boy
who is learning
my favorite song
on piano
just to make
me smile
thank you
for reminding me
that some boys are sweet
like the melodies you play
and not all
are nails on chalkboard

s.s

Rainbows swirl around, a fever dream
Painted, polished on ceramic stone,
The shaking slows,
and I remember her,
Convulsing on the rocks,
Heart drops when we say "breathe!"
Wish no response -
2 minutes ago, a man asked,
We said she was fine
Now, we scream for help,
And he's the only face we see,
Running back up the mountain now,
she still won't breathe
And neither will I,
Until she gasps again
But still won't open her eyes.
For an hour or more we stay
By her side,
when she stops moving
The pitch creeps back into my voice,
Please-
Please just keep breathing -

The paramedics finally come,
Marching down the track,
And I find it hard to leave her.
We sit on the rocks, out of the way,
Until a man in blue leads the way up the mountain.
We sit at the top, I'm still numb
Another hour passes of silent panic,
And then here they finally come...

We walk to the station in silence,
We're all thinking of someone to blame
As I walk, I keep remembering-
How we're all saying we're fine,
But we echo her words from before.
How I shouldn't have let her drink that,
How she was fine until they told us to
     Hurry UP!

On the train, it feels quiet,
I have nothing to say.
At last, a phonecall -
she's going to be fine
And it's then that I remember,
How the last thing I heard her say was
        "Sorry"
And I could only whisper,
"It's not your fault"
And then we're all fine,
We're all happy - no.
I don't say anything,
I still can't think clearly,
It's a blur,
Just pictures now -
Her body on the rocks,
A voice, a scream for help,
A bearded, kind face,
Another girl in tears,
Hurried faces running away, away,
Always leaving,
There was no-one when she dropped,
And what if no-one had
Waited for her, for us,
Would she have died there?
Sounds, a heart dropping
Every minute, I'm stuck there,
On the "What if -",
Because everyone tells me
That it's fine now,
She's fine now, well
What if everything hadn't been okay?

or even remember that
despite my sheer smallness and insignificance
writing poems helps me sleep
like weaving my own tapestry of bedtime stories
something larger than life to me

but i’ve forgotten how to write, i guess
i’ve forgotten how to sleep
and how much i loved both
granted, they felt like secondhand talents
thing i’d learned to love only because this pretty girl did
or this pretty boy told me i made words dance and twist

i’ve forgotten how to breathe, as well,
without every other breath sounding like a heavy sob
that i can’t stifle, simply because everyone keeps me at a distance
i might as well be standing alone
in a hallway with the whitest walls;

again, i’ve forgotten how to write poems
i can’t even find the words to tell you
how empty walking near you feels

it’s a distant memory to me,
writing poems
sleeping
breathing

a bit of the distance i’ve wedged there myself
like when i see someone being held
held like that is the only thing keeping them intact
i feel just a little more cracked

but believe me,
being touched makes me cower in fear
and i feel nothing
not the warmness of another body,
not the softness of someone’s heart,
whose made themselves vulnerable enough that you can see right through them

i can’t make myself that sheer
maybe invisible,
but not so crystal clear that you know what is inside;
it’s disgusting,
and you would not be in in the least bit interested,
unless maybe i was crying.