The juxtaposition of danger and safety,
The excitement you feel with the haste,
You hold back,
You move forward,
Cause it’s a straight line,
It isn’t gray, although it may seem,
It is black and white,
To fulfil your desires, to bring happiness,
To bring magic, to bring a wholeness to your life,
You want more, you want depth, you need to connect, to get to the bottom of it,
There is plenty to say, plenty to examine,
Plenty in the depths of your soul,
You give in…
You seek the pleasure you cannot ignore…
You disconnect to connect with yourself, cause you always want to be on a path to explore,
You don’t want to be held back, you need to seek and find out what runs deep,
Danger and safety are two sides of a coin and you realise you are water that cannot bind,
You need to flow,
You don’t need the ground below or a ceiling to hold you back,
You were born to be free,
And not live and slip through the cracks

The distance between what if and even if
I read something profound,
"What if?" is fear,
"Even if.." is faith,
The faith and trust you feel when you have yourself,
The faith built on everything you have built, and your own foundation,
The faith that cannot be shaken and is your center,
Believe in yourself and don’t fear anything at all,
Cause you are enough to change the world,
Leave the fear behind,
Those that cannot come along will fall,
Or not, they will stand tall on what is their will ,
You need to move forward without fear and never still,
Flow like the water, rage like it too,
Use the water to make way for you,
Make yourself the center of your own core,
Cause you are enough to change the world.

I look inside and feel a storm
Of a vicious fight it was born
I doubt myself
Maybe too much chaos
Maybe a pattern
I need to break to make space
For it all

I see myself in a long back dress
Walking through the winds
Them pushing me back and yet I tread on
The storm rages and goes on and on
Of anger and chaos it is born

I feel serene but serious too
I feel I need to push through
Will it end? Will I end?
Can I survive it to get to the other end?
Without destroying myself in bargain

What awaits me at the other end?
The dawn?
Will it greet me and keep me warm
Or will it push me right back into the storm
Cause maybe that is the place I belong?
Maybe I have embraced the storm.

Maybe I don’t
Maybe I don’t need the Chanel and the Hermes
Maybe I just need someone to know me
Maybe I just need someone to look into my soul
And say I know
I’m here
I’ll stay
Maybe someone will fill the space and never let go
Maybe someone will hold my hand and spin me through
This dance we call life
Maybe when I reach the end I will look back and smile
And think it was all worthwhile
Maybe I will get anchored and stop
Maybe I will give up, change and never be distraught
Maybe I will drive
By the sea and feel the wind through my hair
And feel free
And feel the devotion
And the storm in my head would subside
Maybe I don’t need the Chanel
I just need to fill the space inside

When you were born
I was torn
I was a mess, trying to keep it together
I never thought I will be tethered
Yet there was this small bundle I had to feed
I tried to feel normal but couldn’t be
I had people tearing me from you
I wanted to scream and the resentment grew
I had people saying I couldn’t do it
I had people saying don’t do it
I had people watching every move
I focused, I honed, I was determined to prove
I was vulnerable, I was strong
I knew I had to be a storm
To protect you from the world
While you slept oblivious
My world
I tried with all my will to communicate
But people would not hold still
I figured it all on my own
I was not a mother
You made me one
I look back and it stays
I look back and never forgave
I want to put down all the hate
I deserved more
But darling I know I will always have you
I just know
Takes away the pain
Makes me walk away

I told him he gives me nothing
He dumped his world in my lap
I need to prove that we can get through
And I deserve the world in the end
It’ll be a journey and it excites me
Step by step
We move towards the precipice
We’ll make it there
We won’t despair
And have a little fun along the way
I feel confident about us
It always felt right
I can’t let him down
Will not turn around
Until we claim this world despite

It breaks my heart to see you like this
It breaks my heart to see you dejected
I want to give you the world
To make it all in gold
And offer it on a plate
It breaks my heart that you suffer
I pray that you never break
I pray that you escape
I pray that life gives you all the keys
I pray that it never lets you weep
I pray that you get all you want
I pray that you get all you need
I pray that life keeps you warm
I pray that when you look at the stars
Some day you think of me
I’ll always have you in my prayers
And think of you no matter where
The sweet chapter that life showed me
May you get everything and have it for keeps

I don’t want to chase
I don’t want to break
I get it
We may not make it
It is what it is
The dream is nice to hold on to
The dream is nice to fight for
But honestly I get it
I get you have a life
I get you have a wife
I get you won’t walk away
I get it hurts you too
I get it is not in my control
It makes me weep too
It is what it is
I pray that I can walk away
When the time comes
I pray that we can both forget
And move on with our lives
With gratitude that we met
With gratitude that it was fortuitous

How can you write a book about a week
It starts with being nervous
You spend 6 hours, time flies
And leave it wanting more and weak at the knees
Then you promise to meet the next day
He surprises you with his words
And danishes at breakfast
Think he feels the same
You meet day after day trying to communicate
Listening to the songs
& Trying to sort- what’s on the table and what’s off
Trying to feel the softness
Trying to figure
There are no triggers
You feel happy, part in a fairytale
The noise drowns around you
The glances
The touches
The couches :)
The softness you feel inside
And the butterflies :)
You talk and you talk, over dinner, over coffee
You try to keep it honest and say things that feel like a promise
He comes home, you speak of kisses and sigh
You hug and you say good bye
When he walks away you know you are not alone
You will meet again
You meet again, he sleeps
He walks away again and you don’t weep
You know it in your heart, it is only the start

What you love
Leave it alone
Don’t chase
Don’t break
Cause you love it
Let it thrive
Let it be alive
Don’t touch it
Don’t burn it
Let it survive
Away from you
Don’t let it be swept away
Cause you wanted to be happy
For a moment or two
Be happy
Don’t want it
Cause it will come to you
And you will break it
Leave it alone
Let it be alive
Let it survive
It doesn’t need you

When you are broken
And it’s all dark inside
You find the light to keep it going
The slightest trigger and you will go down
And there will be destruction all around
You check out when you are hurt
You treat people like they are dirt
You want to annihilate the world when you hurt
You are the harbinger of unhappiness
Cause all you care about after a while is your happiness
You tell people your vulnerabilities from the start
Make them aware so they care
They treat you with kid gloves
And keep it light and full of love
Their attention shifts
You talk and cry and beg
Indifference
Then you move on in your mind
And tell yourself they deserve
What comes to them
You will destroy
You will be on a war path
Cause you warned them about yourself from the start.

A lot and nothing
Do you hold on
I do
Then I ask myself why
List the things you did for me and sigh
It’s there I know it
And I won’t let go
Fight for it
We’ll wait
And see if we can make it glow

Things said, things unspoken,
I say too much
He says nothing
What to make
Let it break?
Let it fall apart
But he does things that feel like art
Then he shuts down
With the promise of

The distance grew
The meaning changed
All I wanted was
To begin again
Find a meaning
Find a purpose
But I was lost again
Even worse than before
Cause I had felt it
Cause there was a yearning
A yearning for stolen moments
A yearning for smiles
A yearning for the meeting eyes
A yearning for never letting it slide
A yearning that goes beyond
That satisfies your soul
A lesson learned
Reign it in
Guard your heart
Pick up the pieces
And begin again
Again and Again
Until you find gold
Within your own soul

When your mind is crowded
When you are restless
When you feel smothered
When you feel helpless
When you need something
Which is nowhere close
You look out of the window
And see the shadows
And you know morning will come
And it’ll be alright
Dawn will break
And you will see the sun shine
And there will be no more crying
You will awaken
You will see clear
You will walk the distance
And not fear
Or not be lonely
And yet alone
But you will tread the day
Till the sun is gone
And then wait for sleep to come

Mundane conversations
Mindless looks
Meaningless things
Conversations in the head
Existential crisis
Looking back trying to understand when it broke
When it came apart
Can it be put together
Or was it doomed from the start
A little boy will feel the ripples
You look in his face
And keep it together
But is it fair
To live like this
You care
But is it fair?

When you believe you believe
It is poetic and beautiful
There is not a doubt in your head
There is despair until it comes together
There is impatience until it comes together
But you see it clearly in the distance
It is there
You know it’ll come
Cause it belongs to you
The universe will make it happen
It is not a hope
It is a firm belief
It is your life and your destiny

One day it’ll all come together
One day it’ll click
One day it’ll make sense
One day I’ll smile and laugh
Feel the spring in the air
And happiness that makes me gasp
With wonder and love
Surrounded by the blue sea
Jump in with abandon
And nothing will matter to me
And I will be free

I have everything
Everything a girl could want
What is missing then
Why a chasm deep inside
I have a good life
Peek in and see
What is missing then
Is it just me
I used to laugh and sing
What has changed since
Is this growing up
Is there a missing piece lost in the universe
That’ll make me feel happy again
Fill the space
And make me whole again

It’s ok to cry
It’s ok for it to consume you
It’s ok for you to scream through the noise
For someone to see you
See the storm inside
It’s ok to feel anxious
It’s ok to feel panic
It’s ok to not be able to breathe
One day you will be free
Of all the pain and anxiety

His eyes
Blue and grey with yellow flames
I could look in them and waste away
When I look at a painting
I stare to commit it to my memory and never forget
But as soon as I turn around it slips away
It is like looking into his eyes
Trying to find the flames

He says he is intense,
Unaware of the storm inside me,
I continue to be patient,
One day this storm will unleash,
And burn everything around
Consume me and burn me too
Maybe that’ll be healing…

He gives me songs that I treat like poetry,
Little personal letters,
He then disappears for days,
Leaving me alone and to my ways,
I cope, I stare into the blank space,
And wait….

He comes and he goes,
Leaves me euphoric or in throws of lows.
A world between him and I
I carry within me a hole, filled with him and his smile,
His patience and his eyes.
And every moment spent with him
Knowing I gave it my best
When I am lonely, I look inside and find him and sigh
Where he is just mine without any noise
It brings me peace and acceptance alike.

Paris was intense
We fought as soon as we got in
We bickered and I gave in to thoughts and strayed
In my mind he had me and I had him
And zoned out and honed in
The beauty of Paris was lost to me
The beauty of my thoughts took its place
I closed my eyes to feel
Before vangogh & Rothko
I thought in every dark corner and alley
I’d like that love
The passion, let me burn,
Unlearn and learn
To feel again
The intensity, the pain, the joy
I knew what I felt was an idea of it, still…
I determined to return with what I had in my mind
With him again and leave it all behind
To relive it all again
To feel it all again
To make it all real
To feel his intensity and maybe feel the euphoria
And to see the beauty of Paris over again

You think you are intense,
I carry poetry inside of me,
The endless depth of rapture, of feeling, of wonder and despair,
The unseen face before which nothing could stand,
The unseen place where you can lose yourself with nothing to spare,
I show the world the fair side,
Inside me is a storm,
That can burn things, heal things, unleash things that the world has never seen,
I can take you to places you have never been,
I let go of this,
Cause I’d rather be this beautiful mess,
I’d rather be a lone storm,
I’d rather hold on to it than let it go,
Consistency is safety,
Which you cannot give....
I get that....
But it’s amiss....
I’d rather hold forth alone,
That the glimmer of hope,
I’d rather make myself home....
Than depend on you,
But hope....

The distance between what if and even if
I read something profound,
"What if?" is fear,
"Even if.." is faith,
The faith and trust you feel when you have yourself,
The faith built on everything you have built, and your own foundation,
The faith that cannot be shaken and is your center,
Believe in yourself and don’t fear anything at all,
Cause you are enough to change the world,
Leave the fear behind,
Those that cannot come along will fall,
Or not, they will stand tall on what is their will ,
You need to move forward without fear and never still,
Flow like the water, rage like it too,
Use the water to make way for you,
Make yourself the center of your own core,
Cause you are enough to change the world.

The juxtaposition of danger and safety,
The excitement you feel with the haste,
You hold back,
You move forward,
Cause it’s a straight line,
It isn’t gray, although it may seem,
It is black and white,
To fulfil your desires, to bring happiness,
To bring magic, to bring a wholeness to your life,
You want more, you want depth, you need to connect, to get to the bottom of it,
There is plenty to say, plenty to examine,
Plenty in the depths of your soul,
You give in…
You seek the pleasure you cannot ignore…
You disconnect to connect with yourself, cause you always want to be on a path to explore,
You don’t want to be held back, you need to seek and find out what runs deep,
Danger and safety are two sides of a coin and you realise you are water that cannot bind,
You need to flow,
You don’t need the ground below or a ceiling to hold you back,
You were born to be free,
And not live and slip through the cracks