I’m sorry mom
I still love you
But I’m gone right now
You hit me mom
I kept saying I’m sorry
But you didn’t hear me
Couldn’t hear me
I’m safe now mom
I miss you
I want a hug from you
I just wanted to be okay
But you hit me
I walked down the driveway mom
And I kept looking back
Waiting for the light to turn on
Waiting for you to run out
Saying it’s okay
Come home
But you didn’t mom
And I’m not sure I would’ve
If you did
I’m sorry mom
I didn’t mean to hurt you mom
But you hit me
And I am gone now

They say time heals all and you will forget the ones that have hurt you

No matter what they say you continue to remain untrue

You feel an emptiness in your heart because you loved them completely

For what reason? Because afterall they are the ones who tore your heart to pieces

You gave them your all because you thought they were different

You trusted them and so you told them your secrets

They keep appearing in your thoughts although they shouldn't be

Because they were the only ones you bothered to give a chance

Fantasizing of a last embrace

But that won't happen because they left you essentially everything to find anything

In the end you were left with nothing and the only thing you could do is let go

Because you care about them so much and that is the only thing you could do.

I want to feel something
Not just the blade upon my arm
I want to love someone
That won’t do me any harm
I don't want to cry anymore
I want more than just my blood on the floor
I want to know more
Than just my tears
I want to reach for something
Not just run from my fears
I want to feel like I’m enough
Am I enough?
I want to enjoy life with no strings attached
I don't want to dread being attacked
I don't want to feel alone anymore
I want to know what I’m living for
I want to end it all
But I’m still scared to fall
I don't want anymore scars
I’m not asking for the stars
I want to be worth anything
I want death to stop calling
I want to be loved
I want to rise above
This pain
I want the lies to stop replaying
I want to stop cutting
I don't want to find myself in the mirror
I want the truth to become clearer
I want to eat and not force myself to throw up
I don't want to grow up
I want to stop skipping meals
I never want anyone to know how it feels
I want him to come back
I want him to leave
I want to be on track
I want to believe
There is anything good about me
I want to stop feeling this self pity
But I’m done
I want to run
Am I good enough?
Am I worthy?

across my face.

I saw spring coming
in the meadow
where the wildflowers
whisper to the wind.

found freedom on a snowcapped mountain top,

smiled to the child offering violets
cradled in her tiny hands

and when she smiles to me

her joy ripples like sunlight
across the sea of love.

the curtain is lifted.

the soul becomes visible

(always in the wild places
in my heart.)

Why does having food in my stomach
Feel like I failed

One day
One day I’ll feel normal again
A new normal
Without pain
But with feeling
Peace
Like that night
Sitting in the middle of the road
Moon half concealed by clouds
Feeling nothing
But everything
I don’t want that
But I do
I need that serene feeling
Of being alone
While simultaneously
Hearing their voices drifting
One day
One day soon
I’ll feel alright

I’ve realized
I don’t like being touched anymore
Not a gentle hand on my back
Not a hand in mine
Hugs are tense
I don’t like them anymore
I used to think I needed contact
But I hate it now
Don’t touch me
I don’t want an arm brushing mine
Fingers on my knee
I don’t want my hair played with
I don’t like it anymore
I used to crave the closeness
Now I just want to be left alone
Don’t touch me anymore

Forgetting things that happened
Five minutes ago
So hungry I’m nauseous
Then eating two bites and being full
Waking up after sleeping all night
And still being exhausted
Aches in my legs
Talking takes effort
So does breathing
Zoning out randomly
Fidgeting all the time
Not enjoying things
That used to make me happy
Not excited
For anything
What is wrong with me

Paint on my fingers
I wash it off
I wish it was that easy
To wash off my scars