I'm just that pawn, you never noticed.

“you’re so mature for your age”
i was 8
i don’t think i should be mature at 8
i shouldn’t even know what “mature” means
i should’ve been a kid but he robbed me

“YOU NEED TO ACT YOUR AGE”
i am!! i finally am!!!
i’m 14 and messed up completely
this is what it’s like now to be a teen

“act like an adult”
yet i’m treated like a child
no wonder you think im wild

your calling me crazed?
babe im freaking insane!!
i’m 16 and everytime that you call
i bang my head against the wall
i wanna KICK,
SCREAM,
and CRY!!
but that’s not how i should behave
it’s not how i was raised
because im “so mature for my age”

half of my friends are in middle school
i wonder if im breaking a rule
16 with besties that are barely teens
but trust me
i have good reasoning
i never got to be 13
my memory is blocked
my brains way of erasing trauma
i’m living through these middle schoolers
trying to fill the gap
helping them make memories
i’ll never even have
i just want to make sure
that they don’t break like me
that they look back and feel happy about who they were
and not what they had to grow from

Single, stained, steel wall,
It holds me here,
Alone.
Only time seems to crawl,
As the air itself has died.


There is a knock at the door,
I will not answer.
Alone,
Red seeping into the floor,
I silently long to be free.


The door shakes,
I cannot answer.
Alone,
My heart aches,
To be free of this cage.


I hear it now,
The footsteps, the voice.
"Alone",
It whispers, mouth against my brow,
"That is how it always will be".


Someone stands over me, the door wide open.
I cannot do this,
Alone.
Though the door they have broken,
I now might be free.


The world starts to fade,
But I know now I am not
Alone.
The mind I thought was made,
Seems to shatter.


"Please don’t leave me,
I can't live without you,
Alone."
Their words set broken hope free,
But the scythe had claimed my soul

For them not taken sudden
By malfunction
Or malice
There seems to be
Some sort of acceptance
For most
Upon the approaches
As the world
Narrows down
From
What we call solid
To what we don't know
To nothing
Or back to
Some host.

Dear Dad,

I always tried to understand
Why you felt like no one held your hand

I tried to know why **** and alcohol
Became your comfort, your silent wall
And why the world seemed to scare you
so I guess I never knew what you were going through

I really tried and tried to know
But some things you could never show
Maybe life was just too hard
For your already broken heart

There were bright days, and there were dark
But even on bright days your eyes missed their spark
I asked you if you were good
But you said that hapiness you didn't understood