Port Sunshine
When one talks of morals or the kind of person they think they are, it's always in some grand scale and overall sense. You base your moral high ground or ego and arrogance off of textbook philosophy and apply it where need be, but that’s not who you really are. That's who you want to be, or who you pretend to be, it's how you want to be seen by those around you. You ever had a gun pointed at you? Ever been held at knife point by someone who didn’t care about you? Have you ever had to make a choice like the young working father who started his drinking habit the night be had to choose between saving the life of his wife or not yet born baby because there were complications and he could only save one, and even then it was a risk because both could die. You ever had to make that call?
I didn’t think so.
Have you ever seen someone at the end of their rope? I mean really clawing at the edge of sanity and they want help but they’re so far gone you know that help is far and away and so you watch them slip away because it's simply out of your realm of control.
It’s one thing to sit there in the comfort of your educational intellect. To spout off old fact and theory that was discovered and pondered over fifty years or so before you were even born, it's one thing to sit in a living room with your circle of friends and discuss all these of matters of the soul while never having to go through any kind of issue or trauma or dilemma. But by all means please- tell me what kind of a person you are.
Have you ever been *****? And if you did- did you keep the baby? Are you an addict? Have you ever had something far greater and stronger than you pull you back and need it to function or you’ll snap? Have you ever been alone?
Have you ever tried to actually **** yourself? I don’t mean some flashy cuts on your thigh or arms, I don’t mean some cocked up overdose on sleeping pills that could easily botch itself. I don’t mean a cry for help or attention or sympathy. I’m talking about death.
Have you ever tried to **** yourself? Why didn’t it work I wonder? People who want to die, die. Its that simple. If you have tried and you have survived- consider yourself lucky.
The truth is- you are not the pillar of moral strength you assume you are. You’re about half that because on paper you are one way and while you believe something or have faith in something- when you’re going through the motions and you happen across these times- your true colors come screaming out.
I’m here to tell you that as I sat in the far back room of that run down ***** inn and I sat next to my friend of twenty years and I saw him cry- for the very first time. I saw his true colors.
We all have our breaking points, everyone has a limit and try as you may, try as hard as you can that you are a good person, that you are a brave person, that you are some stone cold piece of work who is not to be tested, I can assure you. You are not that person. Something out there can break you, it's always there too. Maybe it lives in the back of the room or under the bed, maybe a family member knows what it’ll take, or a lover or a friend, maybe a memory or some past action that the regret gnaws on you nightly, but whatever it is. It is out there and it is always just around the corner.
Just another piece of the human puzzle. He cried, he stood against the corner and finally broke. He couldn’t run from it any longer. He ***** someone, I still don’t know the details and maybe that was me not wanting to ask. Maybe that was me trying to avoid the horror of his actions.
From the bits and pieces I did gather from my friend the story (as much as I’m allowed to repeat anyway) is:
They were dating for about two months at this point, they started a Netflix show together, they cooked meals together, they had ***- they were a couple. I hung out with them a few times, we drank beer and played board games, it was nothing out of the ordinary. Then it happened one night.
A friendly ***** game of ****** acts turned into a ****, something in that room became all too real- ya see she had a breaking point too. She got spooked during their fun and suddenly this became dark. What’s odd here is that they didn’t stop it. She was crying he was angry and he ***** her. Now sometime later he found himself at the back of a ***** hotel with his best friend as he suddenly burst into tears and his friend (your humble narrator) suddenly found himself at a crossroads. How and what am I supposed to do with this new information?
I did what any self respecting human would do. I ****** the **** up and shut the **** up. How could I judge him, I’ve known him for twenty years- at the same time...he ***** someone. Do I call the cops? Do I beat the living daylights out of him? Do I find the girl and get her side of the story? Should I denounce our friendship? It was during this thought process a cockroach fell from the ceiling and slammed into the ground, the bug flipped over and scurried away; even the cockroach felt this situation was too much for it to handle.
I cracked open two beers and handed him one, I’ve often that silence works wonders. And so we shared a silence and a beer as I stared at him and he stared at the floor.
So; that’s another skeleton I know about and it's one he has in his closet. What are yours? You think you’re a good person? Maybe you think you’re a bad person, perhaps you assume you’re a badass or a no nonsense hard worker, maybe you think yourself morally just or spiritually correct.
Here’s some advice- take the person you are or want to be or think you are or want people to see you as, take that person and do one of two things.
One; put them to test and prove it to yourself or two;
Put them to bed and just be the person you are. For better or worse at least you’ll know.
From an upcoming book.