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Kushal Jun 2019
I don't know what to think anymore...

How do you hold on to the faith,
When faith has done nothing but laugh in your face?
Tell me if faith knows my pain,
If heart to heart isn't something on my lane.

So many times I fall and recover,
But over and over it's taking it's toll,
And sometimes I feel like I can't keep my hold.

My mind is a mess,
The overthinking and the stress
It's all got me depressed
Then you throw in my heart, now I'm face down in my bed.
I wish someone noticed the tears that I shed...
Kushal Nov 2018
The mists are beautiful at night.
They hold you in their cool embrace,
And crickets songs keep you trapped in this place.

You must see through these clouds of smoke,
That veil horrors of which you can't cope.
Those who control the vile smoke machines,
Are those with hands all but clean.

Most people don't see it,
Most people don't want see it.
But some people ...
Live to expose it.
https://www.wattpad.com/649402397-written-realities-working-title-prologue

Hey guys check out my book im trying to write. if you like sci fi, techy style books then give this a shot. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Kushal Jan 12
Beneath the willow that wept at the lake's edge,
I sat nestled between the soft 'V' of branches that rose only to fall.
The wind kept a soothing sway that ever so gently left ripples in the moon's reflection.
With a book and pen in hand, I wrote the next lines to a story.

Along came a woman.
Her hair as silver as a blade, and her skin as pale as porcelain.
She descended to her knees with the grace of a queen,
Cupping her hands to sip from the lake.

I glared in awe, as if seeing a spirit from a folk tale.
What beauty, what grace... and yet, here she was.
She leaned back, falling to the grass, with her eyes finally resting on me.

Not a flinch.

She gazed back at me...
The same wonder in her eyes
As I held for her.
Even the simplest things can be beautiful to the ones who find beauty in existence.
Kushal May 2024
Turn on the sounds that wash over my mind,
The sun slips through the windowpanes and past the blinds.
A happy tune on a sunny gloom,
Rise and shine on a catchy line.

Hooked, line and still sinking,
A morning filled with empty thinking.
Tea’s gone cold, barely taste the food anymore,
Everything blurred by the rush of anxiety
Too many things, too many questions, too-- too -- t—

---

Turn the music up.  
That's better.
Kushal Sep 2018
All I need is a single glance,
And the words pour out.
The poems write themselves.
And the songs sing on their own,

All I need is just one look,
Just a peak of your eyes.
Over the top of your book.
Just a glimpse of your smile.

A word from your mouth,
That etches itself into my mind.
A giggle from your lips,
That dances its way onto a page.

A touch of your hand,
That tingles my skin.
A playful punch at my arm,
That jabs at my heart.

Everything you do,
Everything you are,
Is enough to inspire.
You are… my muse.
Kushal Oct 2018
If you were happy to sit among the soil on which you stand,
Would you stay?
Or part ways?

This land among which you've found home,
Would you give it away,
and continue to roam?

Would you let another settle in this place,
Because you whole life you've only led a chase,
And fear the thought of remaining here?

Put your faith in the ground,
And you'll build a foundation most sound.
But you'd rather be done with this place of paradise,
And continue to run around.
These days it seems as if we've bread a culture of one night stand and play relationships. No-one is willing to commit, or people are just too scared to.
Kushal May 2019
Nothing could ever make me love you less,
Yet somehow everything you do makes me love you more.
Kushal Jul 2019
If they knew,
If they could so how much I'm twisted.
They took too many looks,
But I guessed they must have missed it.

Tearing myself down,
I don't know what now.
Now my heart is aching,
My lungs are paining,
Guess this is how it feels to drown.

I put on a smile,
And leave it in place.
Take my heart and throw it away,
Keep all of my emotions at bay.

So if there's one thing you should know,
When you ask if I'm okay,
I'll say yes,
but I mean,
No.
Kushal Sep 2018
You gave for me your friendship.
And from that friendship,
I found love.
A love so strong that it could forget itself,
To protect itself.

From friendship my love was born.
It is only right that your friendship,
Is all I could ever ask for.
And all I would ever need.

To me that is love.
A friendship.
One that you’re too afraid to lose,
Because to lose that friendship,
Would be to lose love.
And to lose love,
Would be to lose you.
And that is a thought I cannot bare.
This was one of the last poems i wrote before taking a break from writing for a while. It is one of my favorites. To me this is one of the most pure and real things i have ever written, and at the time, it was the scariest. Sometimes reality can be scary, but i guess that's where the beauty of it all lies.
Kushal Nov 2018
It's a different kind of lonely,
Don't act like you know.
You've been single for a few weeks,
I've been alone all of my life though.

I'm a romantic with noone to be romantic with,
It's like there's no horses for the chariots.
So my heart's just racing.
Over and over I'm pacing,
Wondering if I'm fighting a battle and it's this world that I'm facing.
Because there's no romantics,
And it feels quite tragic
That  these things I read in books are only dreams and magic.
There's noone that I have seen looking for love and what it means,
Just a few one night stands
And none of that works for me.

I feel alone.
Like love is going extinct.
And I'm one of the last ones,
But that's just what I think.
Kushal Feb 2019
I've gotten this far,
Who's to challenge my place
When I've fought or so long,
And fell victim to this state.

I'm up in the clouds,
The high's have never felt this low.
To reach for the stars,
Yet sit so far below.

I'm falling now,
Falling on the rise,.
Look deep,
You'll see the red in my eyes
Kushal Oct 2020
They say there's pleasure in pain,
For me it isn't the same.
I find the pain in the pleasure,
Go too far without a tether.

From a dark place,
To this heavenly space,
Then back again,
Lapping in this hellish race.

I break free but it doesn't last long,
Soon I fall in love,
Try write another song,
But I no longer get surprised when it all goes wrong.
Kushal Apr 2023
Scream scream scream!

The words bleed less,
If you scream it on the inside.
Quelle the racket.
You can seek but I'll hide.

Tides uneven,
To the left to the right.
Heave-** as much as can go.
Build a castle in the waves
Don't cry as it washes away.

Put it all where it's supposed to go,
Square to square,
Drone and drone.

This is not your place.

Throw a tantrum.
Kushal Jun 2023
Sit.
...
Breathe.
...
Release.
...

I'm still not okay...
But
At least now I can play the part.
Kushal Sep 2019
I rarely get any peace.
There are some moments,
So brief in the grand scheme that they seem like nothing more than a dream.

I struggle to breath,
Always feeling kept beneath the voices in my head as they try to speak.
My head hurts as it weighs so heavy,
And as my balance falters,
I fall.

All I want is to keep that feeling that I know,
To take it everywhere I go.
I know peace,
Yet so rarely have I felt it.
Kushal Aug 2019
I had a dream last night,
Didn't want to sleep through it.
Wanted to wake up,
Hit me hard and I had enough.
Why do the bad ones stay etched in your memory,
It's like the bad thoughts surface saying, "Remember me?"

Leave me alone,
Give me some peace.
I want my head on the pillow
And getting some sleep.
All of these thoughts are so deep,
But I don't want to deal with this pressure,
So let me be and I'll find my pleasure.
Kushal Oct 2018
Nothing remains the same.
No matter the will or wish,
Everything changes.

People leave.
Having served their purpose in your life,
They vanish.
Routine turns to memories of when,
"Good morning"s shift to " I guess I'll see you then."

We'll walk past each other,
Nothing more than strangers.
I'd like to say I knew you,
But I used to say I knew you'd always be there.


At the very least you taught me everything changes.
At the very least you taught me not to get attached.
At the very least you taught me people leave...
So I'd like to say I don't care,
But instead I'll just care till you're no longer there.
Kushal Dec 2018
My sister told me a story,
Her best friend confessed his love,
And just like that they were no longer friends.

I could hear it in her voice,
How she wished he'd said nothing
For nothing would ever be the same.

I could feel my throat swell
Shame rearing it's head,
I fell silent as I listened to her speak
Only now understanding what I had thrown away,
Only now seeing how you must have felt.

My sister told me a story...
I wish I had not given you the same one.
Kushal Oct 2023
Dreams aren't real, right?
They're just figments of a rampant mind
Anxiously piecing together the world that surrounds, right?

Why do I see you at morning noon and night,
Disrupting the schedules of trains in my mind,
You bring forth questions to a heart yet undefined.

I miss you.
That much I know.
At least...
That much
I can admit.
Kushal May 2023
Pity me just a little.
So, I can lie to myself that you understand.
...
I could do with a helping hand.
Kushal Jul 2020
I've never felt such a wave pass through me,
Breaking me down, and building anew,
I heard the whispers between my ears that lead my heart to you.

In days of unknown I wish to find my place at your side,
For only with you have I tried to change for a better life.
Sealed within a vault was where my heart once remained,
Now under your presence, not even these doors help my restraint.

For my heart sees not the need,
To resist your smile,
But fear rears its head,
And tells me to hide.
I am not accustomed to such a plague,
And it tears me in two,
For from love, and fear,
I wish not to lose you.
Kushal Sep 2018
Potted in soil that nurtures naught,
With petals of suede
Whose shade changes at a touch,
All in a state of forever bloom atop an ungrowing stem.

These petals don’t fall,
Lest it be plucked from rose.
These stems don’t grow,
Yet the inanimity gives immortality.

Stagnant.
Never growing,
Never dying,
Never living…
Yeah i know ungrowing and inanimity arent words, but you got what it meant.Nobody said I couldn't add some words of my own.
Kushal Oct 2018
Watching friends crumble to tears,
I see a reality built from my worst fears.

Hearts no longer whole,
As if missing a part of the soul.
I see tears run down the side of a face,
Over shoulder, now wrapped in another's embrace.

I see the broken hearted,
I see the scars left from those departed.


I've yet to experience such strain,
As I have never felt this precursor to pain.
Kushal Aug 2021
Silence is the only ingredient necessary
For my mind to unravel into anarchy.
Kushal Oct 2018
I look back at all the things that I've done,
For a girl that i never won.

All the trinkets that sparkled
Under the moonlit sky.
Accompanied by a silence
As i waited for a reply.

All the smiles i created,
Just to see you elated
For a moment
That lasts forever in mine eyes.

All the poems writ and read
But never read.
The longing for you to understand the words,
Yet at the same time, not .


And after all the sorrows,
After all the pain,
I'm still where I started.
Standing in-front of a girl,
Trying to make her smile.
Kushal Feb 2019
I used to listen to the same song every morning.
It made me cry.

Everyday I sat on the bus,
On my face i looked fine,
But on the inside I cried.
I screamed so loud,
Hoping the gods would hear my howl.

"Bleed your heart out," I told myself.
"But when you walk through that door,
Smile."
Kushal Sep 2023
Words fumble from my mouth.
I don’t know what I’m saying.
Just run on sentences for this role that I’m playing.

Lost and without a trace.
I seem to be stuck in the same place,
Running at a faster pace,
As the faltering smile fades from my face.

Where’s my heart?
It feels lost to the panic of the mind.
Slowly but surely, the sands fall,
And I begin to unwind.
Unsure of the direction inside,
And lost among the spiral that precedes the ******...
I wonder if I could pull myself from this riptide.
Kushal May 2021
Lately I find I only write on pain
Feeling that it is all that is within me,
And nothing I do
Can wrench the feel from my heart.


Rotting...
Rotting...
Rotting...

I fear it has taken root...




I no longer see myself without it.
Kushal Jan 18
Seasons change.
Time goes on.
The morning dew will fade away,
And shadows form.

Blissful snow,
Paint intentions so pure.
The sun will glow,
And waters run furthermore.

Setting sun,
Darkness settles all around a waning moon.
Roses curl,
The world falls asleep.

When suns rise high again,
Will flowers bloom?
About love, life and time. The beauty of it all, even when it's fleeting
Kushal Mar 2019
Do you feel trapped?
Bound by your own fear?

Do you too fail yourself,
Before taking a chance at success?
Find yourself having a heart wrapped in the chains of a mind too fearful to risk a broken heart?

Too scared to feel,
Knowing what it's like to love,
Yet not knowing what it's like  to be loved.
Kushal Oct 2018
I find myself fearing my computer screen of late.
What I write there scares me,
It’s all too real.

It lacks the rhyme of what I’ve wrote on my phone,
And digs deeper into my soul,
Forcing me to feel.
It is raw.
Untapped in recent days,
Something of which I stay clear of.
Why would I call upon it?
Life got better, could I not just leave that darkness be?
But then it got bad again, life that is.
It got darker...
The smiles from the screen of my phone couldn’t compensate for that.
I felt the words fading as I tried to place my thoughts on a 5-inch screen.
There was no magic in this.
I knew what I wanted to show,
But I couldn’t do it there.

It doesn’t really make much sense,
Words are words...right?
All I know is that in front of this screen,
This laptop screen,
I’m more in tune,
More in sync.
It hurts so much more,
But I ******* love it.
Kushal Aug 2019
The eyes dont lie.
Try as you may,
Your eyes will show the words
That your mouth struggles to say.

The eyes don't lie,
So when i see your smile i see the truth.
Sometimes i wish i was blind.
Kushal Nov 2018
Broken.
                                                It's all broken.
                Shattered.
Shhhhh!
                                                 Quiet!
                                                                                      Too loud, too loud!
It's so dark,                                      so lonely.
No           no no!                                               Just let me be!
No more thoughts.
                                              I hate it!
No more voices, no more voices
                                                             no more voices!

Don't let me sleep,
                                                        it's too bright in my
dreams.
But
                                it's too dark to survive here.
Kushal Aug 2018
Let loose were the strings that held down my heart.
Gone was the fabric that enclosed these speakers
That dared to blare out loud.
And so my heart sang songs so soulful,
To a tune so delectably delightful.

Yet a song sung
Is not always a song heard.
And a song sung
Is not always a song that should be heard.
But merely whispered in hushed tones to oneself
Under the solitary grasp of darkness

But nevertheless,
A song will always be a song
Regardless of whether it is sung
And thus, under the night sky
As I hum the words over
My heart plays, a silent symphony
Kushal Apr 2019
Sometimes I want to start a war.
Burn to the ground all that lays on this plain,
Till nothing but ashes lies in my wake.

Is it wrong that I relate more to the Villian than the Hero?
That when I think of power,
I think of control?

Is it not scary...
That when the rage subsides,
I'd still stand by these dark thoughts?
I want to burn it all to the ground,
Myself included.
Then maybe it all can begin anew,
And none to come will share these thoughts.
Kushal Sep 2018
The wind blows,
I hold steady.
The waves tug,
I refuse to budge.
The flames ignite,
I'll withstand the burns.
The earth shakes,
I'll find my balance.

I will never yield
To the forces that try to bring me down.
Noone ever won,
Without standing their ground.
Kushal Jan 2020
Find me bliss for this emptiness,
Hollow from the demons that feast from inside.
My cries echo louder,
Yet a vacuum carries no sound.

In the darkness I squirm violently,
Lunging at my own throat...
If only I could still breathe here.

Soon I yearn for release
Rather than rescue.
Free me from it all,
Suffocate my soul.
Kushal Dec 2018
I finally found a place to escape,
Where i don't feel like there's an axe about to strike at my nape.

I know the executioners name,
Because when he pulls of that mask,
I just see my own face.

They say that everyone has a purpose but I just can't find my meaning,
I look out into the vastness of the world and I'm screaming,
But nobody hears me,
And that's what scares me.
Screaming into a void not empty but hollow,
They say if I want to make it, it's my feelings I have to swallow.

"Focus on the money,
So you can support a family,
Go nine to five everyday,
That'll make you happy."
But I can't see myself at a desk,
Just writing lines,
That lack all meaning,
But fits the bottom line.

I'm sorry I don't subscribe to your definition of happiness,
Sorry that I have a different view on what happy is.
Sorry that I don't want to be a doctor or an engineer.
Sorry that I'd rather write words than do mathematics all year.

No, im not sorry.
You told me to live life.
That's what I'm doing.
This is how I live, through my work and my art...
This is how I want to leave my mark.
Kushal Jun 2021
There are none.

Zero that can find the rhythm my heart beats to.
Zero that see the pain in my smile.
Zero that know how my head runs.
Zero that bothers to dig past the surface.
Zero that both to ask the question.
Zero that bother to hear the answer.

I wish there were some.
Kushal Jan 2019
When last had I seen you?
Frolicking across the burning sand,
Hand in hand.

Oh sweet Summer,
When last did you grace me with your presence?
What did I do to deserve this sentence?
Or is this my own penance?

Oh sweet Summer,
Is it you that bars my entrance?
Oh cruel Winter,
Is it you that will not let me go?
Or is it me,
That keeps myself alone?
Kushal Sep 2018
I like sweet things.

They call it "a sweet tooth",
I'd say that's somewhat true.
But my tooth tends to sweeten
Only when my days turn to blue.

The world brings you down...
Then the sugar hits
And for a moment you feel the delicious energy
Surging through your veins.

You feel the dark become a little bit brighter,
And the hues of the blue no longer weigh down as much,
Upon your bruised shoulders.

Sugar just makes the world...
A bit sweeter.
So I'll run on a sugar rush.
Kushal Jul 2023
For the longest time it's felt like I'm drowning.
I've kept swimming.

This isn't where I'd like to take my last breath.

It angers me that I struggle to fight the waves.
And sometimes, all feels lost.
Yet...
Whether through ego, anger, denial, or the instinct to survive,
I cannot accept an end like this.
My lungs are not yet out of breath.
Kushal Sep 2019
What is it like?
You who lecture me,
Tell me what it's like.

Tell me again that I don't know love,
Tell me that someday I'll have it.
Tell me it shouldn't hurt this much,
Tell me I'm overreacting.
Tell me that I shouldn't be this sad
Over something I've never had.
Tell me I can't be lonely,
Tell me I have friends and family.

Tell me it all like you know the thoughts in my head,
But not once have I ever said,
"I know love."
No, I know worse.
I know what it's like to fall in love,
Over,
And over,
Yet never once have the chance to keep it.
This is a poem about those that have spent life falling in love without having it reciprocated, while watching morons around them abuse what love they've managed to find.
Kushal Oct 2018
Pain like no other,
Visualized from the droplets that slide down a cheek.
Like the clearest of blood dripping from the eye,
But bleeding from the heart.

More than just the liquid pours out.
Shirts stained with head pressed to chest,
And words seep through lips wrinkled,
As sadness takes over and deprives of rest.

Sticks and stones,
I'd rather have broken bones.
For these eyes bleed worse
Than any bruise could ever be.
Kushal Aug 2019
Droplets fall to the floor.
Tears that have her shaken to the core.
The pain behind
Lies within her mind,
In thoughts of doubt and fear,
That here,
Is not a safe place to be.

Risk it all,
But it comes with so much pain.
Golden hearts show shimmering smiles,
But not even diamond could buy her happy ending.
Kushal Sep 2018
Tease me with a thought
And run at the edge of my sight.
And without fail,
I'll chase shadows into the night.
Kushal Apr 2021
I wish you could see my heaven and hell.
I dream you could understand it.
Kushal Nov 2018
I pierce my heart with my own ambition,
A predisposition of a boy with mission,
To find a love story and make his own rendition.

He believes in the stories he sees on TV,
And to a fault he’ll let love lead.
His life dictated by the end goal of love,
Shown the world yet deprived of it all.

The pain of the lonely lover,
Who hands his heart to those in need,
Taking it back in pieces,
But believing one day it’ll be returned whole.

Walking this earth with a heart of woolen steel,
He finds himself always lonely,
Although never alone.
Kushal Aug 2019
Feel it in your bones.
It's less like a rage
And more like that point where you're at a stage
And ready to turn the page
To the next chapter,
Take it all with a bit of laughter.
Pain comes and goes,
And that's how you know the progress matters.
Take the highs from the lows,
Don't sink too low and get too high,
Because you get nowhere with the latter.
So when you hear the pitter patter of the water over your head,
You never sink too far,
Rather be outside than in your bed.
It's all about 1 word,
"Instead"
What if I did this , instead?
Then take that question and leave it as said,
Do it all so you never dread the times you missed out,
Because there can't be any.
Ask me where my joy comes from,
I can't tell you cause there's too many .

Sit down.
Look in the mirror for moment.
Your life is not a tragedy,
Take a moment to realise,
You're the only one who can be your enemy.
Kushal Sep 2019
I push it back as it rears it's head.
Each moment it tries to consume more and more,
Taking chances as it sees me slipping.

I try, I try so much.
Keeping that voice at the back of my head where it's presence is muffled,
And yet it finds it's way out.
In a moment,
It takes me.

I concede to the beast that looms over my soul,
"Let's be friends."
I want to see the suffering of others,
See them burn in pain and watch with excitement.
I want to hurt people, but not physically.
Give them a thought and watch them tear themselves apart from inside,
Till their minds give in to insanity,
Till nothing but pain remains.

Now get back in the box.
Be silent.
And from the back of my head it gives a devilish smile,
"Not long now. Someday you won't want to put me back."
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