she died,
I couldn't believe it,
and I still don't understand it,
I wasn't given the time to process it,
she died,
and I was surrounded by people,
she died,
and I had to keep smiling,
responding,
existing,
but she died.

because sometimes,
when everything is going great,
I still,
inside,
feel empty.

it whispers as I drive past,
luring me in,
I park near the rocks.

I exit the car with my long locks,
descend the stairs,
run with the sand,
wind in my hair.

I breathe in the salt air,
and stare at the force of the ocean,
its beauty,
its strength,
and yet,
its fragility.

I pause.

As though to awake from a dream,
tired and drained,
I walk back to the car,
suddenly aware of the sand stuck on my feet,
and my knotted hair.

sure I already loved nature before,
how could I not?
with the glorious world around us
a literal fairytale outside our windows.

but something after you said those words,
made the rain look extra special in the light that night,
it was as though your words flipped a switch,
and now everything seemed so pretty.

I was still frightened of everything,
but my focus was no longer on my fear,
but on a feeling of glee,
and I felt so free,
even nothing had truly changed for me.

it comes so naturally to me these days,
each breath brings a wave of anxiety with it,
except this feeling doesn't leave when I breathe out,
it builds,
attacking my every cell,
till I can't breathe anymore.

I get stuck,
between walls,
about to be crushed,
frozen in time,
unable to escape.

a suffocating feeling,
helpless and alone,
reeling to break free.