we're all just hanging on
Ahalya could go any day
Rowan's already tried
so have i
but every thread
is different
and sometimes our threads get
tangled
if Alice goes,
what happens to Kayleena?
if Lex goes,
what happens to Grey?
if they go
can my thread break too?

we met again,
two strangers,
carrying the same memories.

time stopped too,
when our eyes met,
whispered hello.

but this time,
we walked away,
knowing the future.

3 am
you are responding slowly. i say i love you. you do not respond.

5 am
i say have a nice day you say you too.

7 am
i write you a poem of words i barely knew before google and thesauri i tell you you are beautiful. read at 7 17

11 am
i am in class biting my fingers you have not said a word i have sent you fifteen messages all left unread i am worried

2 pm
you have said nothing my head is shaking my hands are spinning you usually respond so quickly

3 pm
i saw that you were typing as i exited my messages. i never got a message.

5 pm
i sent a simple hi and was sent an automatic response that you had been offline for too long my message would be delivered when you came back online

7 pm
i sent you messages to see when you came back. you didnt come back.

1 month
its been 31 days youre still offline

2 months
i got a message today and i saw your name and my stomach flipped you said only hi and i said hello back. you did not reply.

1 year
i do not think of you, you left.

2 years
i saw you on the street you looked like a new person. i waved but you assumed i was acknowledging someone else. you walked away.

2.5 years
i got a message from an unsaved number that you killed yourself today and my number was in your phone and i might like to be informed. i didnt reply.

I'll write some
Vapid ****.
Check the stats.
Try to
Steer you towards
My serious compositions.
(Road signs).

Dear friend,

If you’re
reading my letter,
just know
I’m trying to feel better,
even though
I really feel bitter.
I hide my wounds deeper
underneath my sweater.

As a writer,
this chapter gets worse.
The pen I write with
buries me alive
in dark memories.
I surround myself
with sounds of laughter,
but I don’t feel
quite as happy—
I feel tired.

I’m sorry
I was gone
for a long while.
I wish to ask for support,
but that feels wrong.
I wish I can call,
but I fall closer to that
Crooked Man’s door
like never before.

BPAD
And
MDD
And
GAD
And
ADD
And
PTSD

And you wonder why I call my brain
Alphabet soup?

So many things
Going on in my head
And while I am astonished
That you love my insanity,
I am even more bewildered,
That you've somehow
Come across the parts of me
That are sane.

And I struggle from time to time
Finding bits and pieces
Of sanity
And putting it back together,
But you help
With casting light on those parts
More than you could ever know.

And I feel like
My chest is too tight
And like
My throat is closing
And like
I need to rip my heart out,
It's beating too fast.

But even on my worst days,
You still find ways to show
That you love me,
And I could never be more grateful
To you--

For holding me through anxiety attacks,
For wiping away tears,
For making me smile
When I forget that I can.

I know you hate when I thank you
For things you think you're supposed to do,
But no one before you
Wanted to.

And no,
Love can't heal my disorders.
But it sure does help me
Along the way.

I know it don't mean much now
But
I'm sorry