Two months of butterflies and ugly lies
You turned so quickly I was speechless
You became someone I wish I never knew
Because you were no longer… you
You became some evil kind of thing
I can't compare you to a monster
Because you did things
That made my heart no longer want to beat
You became something much worse
When you got bored, and desperate
Bored and desperate to regain control
Because you helped build me into a stone
You just couldn't handle my new found attitude tone
Because I was doing everything a fiance should do
But you were always too busy
ignoring me and on your phone
You built me up so well, that I became a wall
I started to take matters into my own hands
When you and I could start fighting on demand
You built me up…just to tear me down and watch me fall
How could you just walk out of the door
And get in your vehicle and drive off?
I don't know anyone around here, I have no one to call
You started to lose compassion,
And I became too independent, and too confident
I became a Queen, and too powerfully dominant
You didn't like it, so you started making threats
There were days and nights you did things
To me that I wish I could just simply forget
You have turned out to be one my most hateful regrets
I never gave up your name or information
So I'll never get the satisfaction of any kind of justification
And that's fine because what you did to me
Was out of this world! You started abusing me!
Mentally, emotionally, verybally, physically, and sexually!
You did things to me that shouldn't be anywhere close
To a woman's reproductive organs. But you didn't care
You took whatever you could find and stuck it inside of there
That's when I started to wish I never went there
Because the things you did to me was far from fair
You made me wear wigs when I told you why I didn't want hair
I can't believe you went to the extreme of doing what you did
The mental bruises were becoming visual,
As my skin around my legs started turning purple
Shampoo bottles, brushes… well… even things that you eat!
After that I wanted to stop eating completely
As I was all alone, all by myself, I didn't have any kind of support
For 5 months I was trapped in this mans house
And for 3 months out of those 5 months, I was tortured
I was always naked, forced to go to bed without a blouse
Only so he could pretend to love me when no one was there
He knew what he was doing, he needed to witnesses
So that if I ever told, there'd be no case, just absences
I finally got away when I went back to my original hometown
But since I've been here everything's gotten even worse
Because it won't be long before my mom leaves in a hearse
I swear I've got a streak of bad luck, I must be cursed
I have been through a lot and I have survived a lot
I am a victim, no more, as I am a newfound warrior!
And I'm happily married now, and the torture is over!!


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/27/2025

Man, when it came to you
I couldn't wait for it to be over
For you to finally be gone
You have no idea what you put me through
Just pretended to be interested in me
Treated me like I was a *******
You made me uncomfortable every time you said
"Shut up ***** and bend over"
I was shocked, confused and lost.
I wanted to be seen but at what cost?
Did things I've never done before
But he left one day,
And that was the last time he walked through my door
He texted me later on that evening
and said something like;
"I don't want to be with you anymore;
You have too many ready flags."
Again, I was shocked, confused, and lost.
I thought to myself briefly "Me? Red Flags?"
"Are you serious right now?" I texted back
That was the last time I ever received a message from him
He had demons that were starting to show from within
And I didn't feel safe anymore,
especially while being intimate
I needed a break, I wanted a break
He'd just always laugh and shrug it off
If I didn't do what he wanted
That's when threats were beginning to be made
He'd just say "You said you liked it rough"
I nervously sighed and responded with;
"Yeah, I used to. Now I think I've had enough"
"*** is supposed to be consensual;
Not so nerve wrecking and tough."
The emotional and mental damage from this man
Took me by surprise when I wanted to die
At the fate of my own two hands


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/27/2025

I was there all the time, while you were gone
One day you were there, the next day, gone
Everything was going good
So I never understood what went wrong
I never understood what I did so wrong
Because one day you were there
And the next day; bright, and early, gone
I never understood how another girl
Became your "number one"
Things started to turn south
When I noticed you were gone more
You'd make sure you were always quiet
When you managed to make your way home
And came through the door
Quiet as can be, so you didn't wake me up
Because you didn't want me to know
That you were actually out after work
With some girl who had a baby
Which made you look like a creep
How could you hit me below the belt, so deep?
You went and wandered the streets
Looking for someone else to satisfy
You and your petty selfish needs
You were playing house with someone else
Giving someone else the attention I was supposed to get
Not even caring to ask how I even felt
You hit me in the face one, slapped rather
That was a one time thing, not a big deal or matter
Because you hit me in front of my mother
And she told you point blank
"If you're going to hit my daughter;
You need to take a breath and really think"
And then I chimed in with;
"It's okay because if he ever tries or does it again;
I'll go to jail for breaking his **** hand."
The audacity this fool think he had
Cheated on me because I can't have kids
And he apparently wanted to be a dad
All you had to do was say something to me
That's something I would have come to understand
But instead you became unfaithful and left me sad
I really had feelings for you because I became obsessed
Starting going to work with you
And sitting in your vehicle for 8-12 hours like I was possessed
You drove me so crazy I didn't know what else to do
Then one day it all became clear
I wasn't needed anymore here
So I left, and never looked back.

Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/25/2025

You were someone I thought I could trust
But I was far from right, as I was completely wrong
Because you didn't want anything to do with me
When I made the attempts to create our own song
You waited until the lights got turned down or off
You waited until the shades were closed
I wish I never stayed with you,  
But my feelings for you were too deep
You waited until I was sound asleep
You waited so you could slide
your hands underneath my clothes
You waited to show your true intentions
You waited to show your true self,
And I just have to be honest,
I was consumed more by disgust
Because you were someone
I thought I honestly could trust
Every night though, you just waited until I was asleep
to do what you needed to,
I can't believe what I went through
In order to relieve yourself,  
because you needed to bust a nut
So I figured out what you were actually doing one night
By pretending to be sound asleep,
just the way you liked it, or so it seemed
And I would breathe as if I was sleeping,
Just so you wouldn't catch me
While I was watching you creeping
Taking my hand and stroking your shaft
I realized what was happening
when the blankets seem to miraculously move
And I suddenly started shaking, catching a cold draft
You were disgraceful, you were obnoxious
You are a ****** predator looking for it's next prey
I hope one day you literally get put away
You did things to me when I was sleeping!
How can you wake up the next day
Smiling, with that on your conscience
I just continued to let it happen,
and I still don't know why
Because it's been many years since then,
and I still sit here and cry
Maybe it's because I just don't understand
Why you would abuse me while I'm asleep
And not just use your own **** hand!
You are a very troubled boy,
And you are someone who will never be a man!



Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

He who shall not be named,
Is the beginning, the creator, the cause
Of the rewiring, and the broken pieces to my brain
For I was just only 18 years old
He was a little older, maybe 20
But what he put me through
Felt like a world of hell, eternally
For I was not experienced, I was a ******
It all changed after the night I gave in,
With barely an ounce of courage
For after that, he changed and became sexually enraged
I didn't want it like he did, My life was becoming a bid
I would lock myself in the bathroom like it was a hidden cage
Only because he forced himself upon me and I always cringed
He tried busting through the door!
So I got really scared and started shouting
I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS ANYMORE!!
But it didn't help, a house full of people
And all I could do was silently cry, and welp
Being dragged back to the bedroom that I now hated
Feeling so disrespected, so misguided, so jaded
I would tell him no, please don't do this
He'd look at me and tear my clothes off,
With an eager look in his eyes, as he's licking his lips
I'd push him away, I'd push him off of me!
But he was stronger and he held me down!
He covered my face with a pillow, hollowing out the sound
A house full of people, and they thought I was just going to town
After a while I gave up and let him just have it, have me
And every relationship after that, was the same
Yet, somehow, so much more differently
The bruises I had developed on the inside of my legs
Were always blue and purple, and sometimes even beat red!
Only the punishment didn't stop there, that's where it began
He treated me like I was part of a *******
Like I was just some pig he wanted to hurt and hang
After 6 months, I finally told him I needed space
I don't know how I managed to gather the strength
To look this monster in his eyes, straight to his face
I told him, I said,
"You need to leave and never come back to this place!"
The next day I told everyone who was there at the house
But no one believed me, so I continued to live in trauma
All by myself, and all alone, and as silent as a mouse.
For he was the first person to introduce me into a world like that
Which is something I'm trying my hardest to let go of and forget!


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

It's two or three in the morning and I'm sound asleep
Next thing I know, I'm being woken up,
No longer peaceful, or dreaming of cows and sheep
Woken up with his arm around my neck, squeezing my throat
It's two or three in the morning and I just want to sleep
I never did anything to this person, he was just a mean creep
Meanwhile, I'm being choked for refusing to get up
To make him a sandwich. Of all sandwiches, a PB&J
My first reaction to this encounter was to scream or shout
But I couldn't, I couldn't move, and I could barely breathe
That's when I knew this wasn't a man who loved me
This was a boy who had problems being told no, accordingly
I took my free arm, and I used all the strength I had left
And I slapped him in his face, hard as I could just to break free
Then it escalated and I was thrown out of the room, violently
His whole family was there, as it was a farmhouse
From the recent incident, I had new found holes in my night blouse
But when it all came to the light, I was somehow at fault
I'm the one who got choked, and treated like dirt
But everyone took his side, and that simply.. Hurt
His whole family came at me, and attacked me verbally
When I told my side of the story, they just looked at me like I was crazy
There was no way he could "hurt someone, especially a woman physically"
I knew then and there, that I was on my own
I stayed. I don't know why. But I stayed.
Things kept happening, but the final straw
was when we went out of town
We went to PA to pick up his cousin,
what a mistake that was for me,
As I was too blind to come to terms with what was already known
He was cheating on me with this girl.
Treating her like gold, like she was the only woman in the world
I couldn't believe my eyes, or my ears when it all came to light
I stood there like a fool, trying to preach my case, trying to fight
For a boy who pretended to be a caring man
Only to find out, he was playing family with his own cousins hand
After a year and a half, I decided to leave
Because it wasn't worth suffocating, when I needed to breathe
To this day, I still find it so hard to believe
That he ultimately chose his own cousin over me.
I was just the victim in his story, obviously.
But he was nothing but a simple minded person to his family
It was a scary time for me as I was so young
But like they always say, fools fall in love
While being, young and dumb
I'm just grateful I could get away from this evil one.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025

It's not you, It's me
I try to get you to understand me
But I always fail, effortlessly
Because it's not you, but me
I love the way you're over protective of me
But I don't like the way I make you treat me
I just try to get you to understand me
But, still, I fail, every time completely
Because I can't get through to you clearly
I love the way you defend me
But I don't like the way I drive you crazy
Because again, it's not you, but me
There's a lot going on in my life right now
Especially with my health, but also mentally
I try so hard to do better and be better
But I fail, every. single. ****. time, miserably
Because I simply just don't know how
I don't know how to do better or be better
I grew up young, matured faster than I should have
I had to learn how to do things on my own
Life was becoming more difficult
Everyday became wishes of suicide
Visions of hanging from the window pane
I needed guidance, I needed help,
I didn't know how to deal with the thoughts in my young brain
But ultimately I had to learn.. The hard way
And hard decisions had to be made,
And hard lessons had to be learned,
Respect was drilled to be given, not earned
Hard times had to be dealt with, at such a young age
And now that I'm an adult,
I'm back in that same **** cage
It's not you, it's me, it's never been you, but always me
I'm hurt; and hurt people.. hurt people
It's not fair, but that's the way the game is played
Perhaps I'd be molded differently if,
My mother had left, and my father had decided to stay
But in the end, neither one of them wanted me anyway
It's never been you, it's been me the whole time
I am unstable, I am mentally crippled, and physically numb
I act out, I scream, I yell, I cry and I shout
And because I'm caught up in a circle of rage
A lot of the **** I say is mean, or just violently dumb
So no baby, it's not you, it's me
I wish sometimes more than anything
To be able to let you go, to set you free
But the end result of that wouldn't be fair to you, or me
Because I am a hurt person, and yes I hurt others too
But this life I'm currently living in
Is a life too hard for me to take on, by myself
And as much as I want to say goodbye to you
I just can't, because I can't live this life without you.
It's me, not you,
and I don't know how to stop hurting you.
With all my heart, body, and soul, I truly do love you
I want to do better and be better
But I just simply don't know what to do
If anything, I just want you to know,
It's me… and not you.


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/24/2025