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When someone asked me:
“What did you
get from being
good?”
I said —
“Nothing.”

“What did you
get for being
quiet?”
I said —
“Guilt.”

“What did you
get by being
the elder?”
I said —
“Expectations.”

“What did you get
from being
innocent?”
I said —
“A title:
'Poor girl'.”

“What did you get
by helping
everyone?”
I said —
“Betrayal.”
It's said that Sometimes saying no is good. but what if you don't know how to say no.
Time becomes slow, and my droopy eyes fall asleep due to gravity. The only thing I learned in my history class is to sleep with my eyes open.
Hats off to those who love to study this complex subject. I'm not saying this to everyone; it's just my personal opinion.
long late soundless nights
draw on and on
but never long enough to get any rest.
its all the same,
the same songs that make me think
the same thoughts about
the same people, or lack thereof.

routine day after day,
of nothing but rotting,
eating, sleeping, and crying,
emotionless, and motivationless,
numb.
yes, the warm sun feels nice,
but the cool silence of the moon
keeps me comfortable company.

it’d be nice to go on a walk at 2am
and have those deep conversations
we wished we had with each other.
just you and me, until the sun came up.
instead, its the memory of you
and what could have been
that keeps me up until the first snowfall.

this, is summer.
some days, i just want to stop being sad.
not forever, just long enough to breathe
without bracing for the ache.

i don’t even know who i am
when i’m not hurting.
i miss her,
whoever she was.
im so ******* sad
6
I’ve given a year of love to
someone who doesn’t love the same way I do

Why does your trauma get to
dissolve my personality?

Why have I felt unfathomably lonely
forever?

Disassociation does a disservice -
as a word - there isn’t anyone
here,

except for your dog.
from october 4, 2023
poem from the past a day #58
in the last quarter of 2023 i moved into an apartment with a friend and this poem marks the exact moment it became a tumultuous and complicated decision of which the repercussions i am still living with.
i dropped titles as a concept, for awhile, at this point. it reflected my complete lack of energy. my energy is still unrecovered.
If you were to check on me, I'd seem fine. A smile with a dash of delight. Hugs and kisses to disguise. If you asked me...I'd lie. Hold you tightly, say the famous words...
"I'm fine"
How would you define my depression?
Is it possible to seek my work?
How would I define my worth?
A beautiful desire had me debating.
For the sake of others mental health....I'd found myself faking.
Grandma I'm still fighting.
Dad make room.
Just in case I were to lose.
I don't believe happiness and I have truly met.
Hello, a pleasure to be here I guess.
This storm has really directed me to a kind of beauty you'd never want to miss.
Darkness has perks, the raw emotional damage behind blindness.
Mama please understand my forgiveness.
Tell me I'm a be alright, at least make sure I don't feel your lies. I'd hate to count my goodbyes. Fill me a drink full of something bitter sweet.
heaving breaths and it
feels like gods choking
me again, my vocal cords
are strained, my voice
a squeak. Invisible
tears stain my cheeks,
still dry. I'm imploding
and becoming super-nova
or maybe a black hole
instead. Screaming a
whisper:

H E L P
M E
You ever just feel so unable to speak that it's like a chain around your neck?
Even though you want more than anything to talk about it?
I used to get that a lot.
anthem; my song
plays, and I will
wind my own turnkey.
I'll dance, shaking
off the rust of shame
and regret;
it won't stop me.

If I'm stuck looking back
at the past, how will I ever
see the present?
Loosed strands of wanting, willing,
tossed by thought-winds,
day and night.
Heart's hope gathers
in the morning light,
to stumble and fall
when the darkness comes.
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