Last night
I pulled the first all-nighter in years
that I've taken without reason
and I studied a bit,
but mostly I consumed
Read a book cover to cover
and played video games
and remembered
all the things I need to do
all the things I must
the half written scripts,
the shaky first chapter.
and sunrise was like waking up
on the inside where it matters.
there white pages lie
like new fallen snow
whispering promises of new life.

My mouth hurts from smiling
pulled muscles in my cheeks
trying to force myself into relaxation
but you cross my mind
and my lips pull back into the bow like shape
I cannot stop from forming
as joy feels my mind like a secret
thats just waiting to burst forth.

Did you know that a stand of aspen trees
Is one of the largest living organisms in the world.
I don't know if you've ever seen them
but the pale white of their paper bark
and the bright yellow of their leaves
just reminds me of waking up
on the first snow day
as a child and running out, pure joy, into the snow
until fingers turn frozen
then running in to warm them
and back out again
and you are random facts
and snowflakes
and favorite things.

Feeling for you is
frightening
You smile like the sun
Bright on new fallen snow.

I actually like you
So now I'm afraid
Its really hard for me
To give you that rope...
To let you close
I am terrified
I can handle being used
I expect it
I can handle being a muse
Or a fling
Or a passionate something

But I am Afraid of this
Of you making me smile
Of anything like this
I wasnt going to do this again
Ever
And I dont wanna let you hurt me
But I wanna let you in
And those things are not mutually exclusive.

I thought I saw your car today
the blood rushed to my feet ready to run
Though I know you'd never come near me in public
not even to throw a verbal barb to my self esteem
which was your favorite game.
Everything you did was far too meticulously planned.
I remember a time when I thought you would never hurt me,
But now fear freeze frames new faces
Wondering if they will change like you did
Your evolution
sinister,
destruction,
Like a slow soaking rain
that no one notices until the dam breaks
and they are drowning in it.

I'm always looking for that break
For that chinck in the armor,
Or the evidence of a mask
That thing that will shatter my fragile happiness
Like glass barely tapped on the counter
I wishni could tell you
How ive been hurt before
So you know its not you at all
Its fear.
And worry that everyone
Is somehow like him