I am a ****** friend
a ****** person
I blow off plans I make with others
I blow off plans I make with myself
and I sit
and I dwell
and I sleep
and I miss out on people
and places
and life

I am a sitty friend
self admitted
knowledge is not enough to spark change
I want to change
I haven't changed
and I still don't have a therapist
and I still can't hold relationships
and I still want
and wait

I am a ****** friend
and person
but I'm a model employee
married to my job
chained to my bills
caged by my own mental health

I don't like letting people down
I always seem to let people down
I'm tired of letting people down
I'm tired of letting myself down
I'm tired

I am a ****** friend
and I know this
knowledge of a fact is not enough to spark change

I watched as she became a stranger to me--
one that I knew very well

I watched and I wanted and I ached

I still ache

    ---no one warns you about this part

My entire life I've been trapped in a glass box--
glass walls;
there's a barrier between myself and my emotions--
a barrier between myself and the rest of the world

I ache

I thought I saw things and understood clearly what my life was and meant--
I thought I saw clearly who were my friends--
but I didn't,
I couldn't,
still can't,
my hands have been reaching for touch:
acceptance;
someone to see me clearly too

but I've placed my hands on this barrier so many times that handprints and the sworls of my fingertips marr the glass with smudges
the vision is blurred

I'm reaching out

trying to touch

just making the visibility worse with every attempt


       --I don't think I'll ever see the glass clearly again

I like this feeling
this depleted state of consciousness
a place I can relax and forget
that being human is painful and not very rewarding
I wake in with a clear mind in the morning
and go to work for money I wont see but my landlord will
I wake and I recieve nothing that is truly my own
so I let this feeling take over
this depleted state of well being
self nurture is sometimes self torture
I'm beginning to see that

I heard just what you said
empty promises on your breath
A cup of coffee in between
I'm meeting your eyes through the steam
But it's like when I talk
I'm a coprse not a human being
Because I'm sure you heard what I said
But I can tell you don't really see me

And like you
The coffee is bitter on my tongue
I hope next time you shoot your shot
That you're the one who gets stung

I know you by the state of your hands
Calloused palms and split nail beds
Your voice can grow flowers and root seeds your hands can never touch

I make my brain fade every night into oblivion because it's better than facing the truth that I am nothing
That I will amount to nothing
I will forever be nothing
And I will die nothing